- Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
We will now sort our 16 new students into their houses.
It's basically a personality test
conducted on the first day of school by a magic hat
to announce to everyone
what kinda human being you are at your core.
- The five-factor model of personality
is actually a much better framework
for understanding the complexity
and fluidity of human behavior.
(dramatic music)
(attendee coughing)
- Anyway, you're first, kid.
(suspenseful music) (air whooshing)
- Not Slytherin, please.
- [Hat] Okay, this kid's uptight.
Yep, you're a Gryffindor.
(hat rustling) - Next!
- Okay. (air whooshing)
- [Hat] Whoa, this kid is too cool for any of these houses.
(ESTP chuckling) - Okay.
- [Hat] So I got a new house for this kid.
I'm calling it Thunderball. - Ha ha, sweet.
- As in "Thunderball," the James Bond movie.
- You can't just make a new house.
- [Hat] Well, I'm the Sorting Hat,
and I just sorted him to Thunderball.
- At least it's better than Octopussy.
- Okay, whatever. Just get outta here.
Next! (air whooshing)
- I already know I'm a Ravenclaw, so.
- Hufflepuff! - What?
- [Hat] Typical Hufflepuff. Next!
- Uh-uh, there is no way I am dressing in yellow
for the next seven years. - Sorry, that's just
how the cookie crumbled. - I'll murder you.
- (gags) Get off of me! (ISFP grunting)
- (groans) I'm getting too old for this.
(fighters grunting)
- Dude, these jellybeans have every flavor,
like, literally everything, stuff that isn't even food.
Like, this red one, is it gonna be cherry,
or is it gonna be lipstick?
I don't know till I eat it.
- Who would market a product like that to children?
- Same company who made this,
Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Vape Pods.
(ISTP inhaling) - What?
(ISTP coughing)
- Okay, that red bean was like
an extremely hot chili pepper.
- (groans) And this is bleach flavor.
- Then stop inhaling it.
- I can't, man. They got me addicted.
- Oh, it burns.
(groans) I need some milk. (ISTP coughing)
(groaning) Oh, somebody help me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. (coughs)
- So, like, at some point, are we gonna be learning math
or science or things, like, literally anything practical?
Because before I learned I was a wizard,
my goal was to join NASA, so.
(suspenseful music) No?
(suspenseful music) Okay, cool.
(suspenseful music) Guess we'll all
just be waiting tables once we graduate.
- If I had known that, I woulda just studied acting.
- Wow, I got an invisibility cloak.
- Wicked. - Yeah, but honestly,
I don't need this to be invisible to other people.
- I'll take it. - What are you
gonna do with it?
- I'm gonna hide pretzels all around the school.
- Pretzels? - I'm gonna hide pretzels
in every nook and cranny of this place.
- Okay. - Ha ha, just kidding.
I don't wanna get expelled!
- All right, you know what, just gimme the cloak back.
- You don't have it? - No, you grabbed it!
- Oh, I put it down. - Oh, come on.
- Where is it? - You lost it?
- I'm sure it's here somewhere.
(INFJ moans)
- Wow, I never knew I was an athlete
till I started playing Quidditch.
(ball thudding) (groaning) Oh!
- I got him. I got him!
Who says you can't catch a body
falling at terminal velocity? (INFP whooshing)
(INFP thudding)
Okay, we're gonna need to run this kid
through concussion protocol
and probably get a stretcher out here.
Maybe, like, if you got a big spatula.
(broom and dustpan crashing)
- Let me get this straight,
so all I gotta do to kill someone
is point my wand at them and say, "Avada Kedavra"?
(magic whooshing)
(bystander grunting) (bystander thudding)
Guess that answers that question.
- What is that? - What's what?
Oh, oh, this thing, it's a Time-Turner.
Every time you turn it, you go back in time an hour.
Professor McGonagall gave it to me.
- Why would anyone give a child something that powerful?
- So I can take two classes
during the same time period, doy!
- Sounds reasonable. - Oh my gosh, I got one too!
- Ooh! - They're just
handing them out now?
- But I'm gonna use mine to attend every club meeting,
tutor the slow kids, and be everyone's emotional dumpster.
- That sounds really unhealthy.
- And it creates a lotta plot holes,
but we, we won't talk about that.
- I am so sorry for being late to the semester.
It's just that I was expecting my Hogwarts letter
to come in the mail 'cause I didn't realize
you guys send out emails now,
and it went straight to my spam folder,
and I think it's because you guys went with Hogwarts.magic.
You probably shoulda gone with .edu.
It would've avoided this issue altogether.
- Hey, Professor Dumbledorf!
- Ah, close enough. Yes?
- I just wanted to tell you I have a weird intuition
that you're. - Gay?
- Gonna get killed
in book six. - Oh.
(Dumbledore inhaling)
Well, thanks for that.
- Yeah, I thought you should know.
- Okay. (clothes rustling) (hand smacking)
- [Narrator] "Did you hide pretzels
in every nook and cranny of this school?"
Dumbledore asked calmly.
- Did you hide pretzels in every nook and cranny
of this school?
- Ah, yo, I just wanted to let you know I'm dropping out.
- You're dropping out?
- Yeah, I founded a tech startup.
It's called Muggle Match.
It's for wizards who wanna meet non-magical people.
We've already done two million in revenue this year to date.
- You're 11 years old.
- I turned 12 last month.
- Oh, well, then go ahead.
- I mean, my bar mitzvah's around the corner.
- Mazel tov! - Thank you.
♪ A stranger's come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪