- So a lot of you wrote to me and said,
"Can you help me?
"I'm going through the menopause.
"And the hot flushes are really affecting my work"
or "my mood swings are affecting my family life,"
or "I just, my libido has disappeared and I'd like it back"
or "you know I want to have sex, but it's become painful.
"And I just hate being in the menopause
"and I've read it can go on for two years
"and I just don't know what to do.
"I don't even know why I have the menopause.
"What is it?"
So, well the menopause is very interesting.
I've done a lot of studies on the menopause
and they all say the same thing
that biologically women had
to stop being fertile at the very age
their daughters became fertile.
So you imagine you were living in a primitive place
and women had to go and work in the fields.
And so they depended
on their mothers looking after their children.
So nature decides that as the age,
of our own children would be fertile
that your fertility should end.
So you can care for the next generation.
But as that no longer happens and we live longer and longer.
The whole menopause is changing.
So why we have it is kind of redundant.
You could have a daughter at 20
and have another daughter 45 if you wanted to.
And IVF too has come along and really changed everything
because although our ovaries age and our eggs age,
the womb is kind of ageless.
So it's really not important why you have it
or what it's for the most important thing is,
you don't have to suffer.
I believe that what you believe about the menopause
will affect your menopause.
And I meet women every week
who go "my menopause was hell, it was a nightmare.
"The night sweats, the mood swings.
"I just felt like a different person.
"I hated it."
And other people say, "well, I haven't even had one.
"I actually didn't have one.
"I never went through,
"I didn't have one hot flush.
"I never had a night sweat."
I probably sound really horribly sickeningly glib now,
but I'd studied women in Japan
who go through the menopause
without even noticing it and women in tribes.
And I made a decision, I'm not going to have that.
In the same way when I had a baby,
I decided I will not have post natal depression.
You see thoughts are things.
Every thought you think has a physical reaction
and an emotional response.
Every thought you think,
every word you say is a blueprint that your mind
and body must make real.
And so if you think about migraines or sinus headaches
or colds or go 'I've got the flu and it's so terrible.'
The belief that it's so terrible will make it terrible.
I have got many people to give up drinking
and the ones who believe in the DTs
and go, "well, you know coming off alcohol is terrible.
"Coming off cigarettes, their withdrawal is so bad."
Have a bad withdrawal.
The others would go "well, I didn't actually notice it.
"It was fine.
"And it was all done in 10 days."
Didn't notice it.
So if you want to get through the menopause,
the most important thing by far
is to take a look at what you believe the menopause is.
What do you personally believe it is?
What kind of word do you use to talk about the menopause?
Are you dreading it?
Are you terrified of it?
Do you think that it's out of your control,
there's nothing you can do,
it comes upon you, happens to you and you're at its mercy?
Or do you think, 'well, could I actually speed it up
'and go through it super fast?
'Could I go through and hardly notice it?'
Yes, you probably can.
So look at your beliefs.
Even write them out, write down every belief,
every thought you think, and then write out the opposite.
My mother had a horrible menopause,
and my aunt said, "You didn't even notice it."
My grandmother said it was terrible,
but my friend's mom said that it was nothing.
And what could you do?
Well, there's so many things, you can take supplements.
Black cohosh is famous
for helping you go through the menopause
and it appears to not have any side effects.
You can buy that.
There are many, many supplements.
There are many, many vitamins that you can take.
Yoga helps you go through the menopause.
Visualization techniques help you go through the menopause
in the same way that visualization techniques
are used in cancer hospitals and children's hospitals
and fertility clinics to teach your body how to respond.
You can use them to sail through the menopause
so that you hardly notice it.
There are breathing techniques.
You can adjust your diet,
just taking out very spicy food and sugar
can dramatically change hot flashes and night sweats too.
Kegel exercises help.
If you're suffering with dryness,
don't use soap, don't use bubble bath.
You don't need any of those things.
If you feel that you're too dry and sex is painful,
then use lubricants.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There are so many exciting sexy ones
that you can make part of sex.
Kissing is very important.
The mouth and the vagina are very linked.
When the mouth is wet, the vagina is wet.
I know for many, many women who give birth
and doctors say, 'if you keep your mouth wet,
'it helps the vagina to stretch more.'
It helps with birth.
So kissing is exciting, desire, foreplay.
So if your feeling is that it's the hot flashes
and the mood swings take supplements, use visualization,
use meditation, use breathing.
If it's that you don't feel aroused
and your libido has gone away.
Again you can take supplements,
again you can use visualization,
just playing the songs you played
when you were first dating,
can activate that memory of being wildly in love
and deeply aroused,
and having really a passionate desire for your partner.
And it can come back.
You can reactivate, re-manifest,
regenerate all of those feelings just by remembering.
And if the sex is painful, then you can use fantasy.
You can use desire.
Kegel exercises help a great deal.
Foreplay, talk to your partner,
explain that your body has changed,
but you still love them and you still want, desire,
but maybe you're going to have
to change your sex life a bit, spend longer on foreplay,
use creams and lotions and oils.
Coconut oil is actually the very best thing to use.
The sebum in it is so close to our own sebum.
And so using coconut oil as a lubricant
is highly recommended.
It has no side effects, no toxins,
and put that in your sex life.
It's quite exciting.
It feels lovely and slippery.
And there's so many things you can do.
And when you're using coconut oil don't think,
'oh, I don't feel like a woman now.'
I had to have a full hysterectomy because of cancer.
And when I came home, one of my friends said,
"Do you not feel like a woman?"
I'm like, "No I feel just like a woman."
She went,
"Oh! You know I felt I'd had all my female bits taken away
and I felt like I wasn't a woman.
And I asked my husband, 'Am I still a woman?'"
I said, "Well, I wouldn't ask my husband.
"It's not up to him, it's up to me.
"It's up to me to say, of course I'm still a woman."
And I had a client who had her breast removed
because of breast cancer.
And people said to her the same thing,
"I bet you feel unattractive.
"I bet you don't feel sexy."
And her husband said,
"To me she is the sexiest thing on the planet.
"She could be flat chested,
"have one breast, no breasts, three breasts."
And actually I have two clients
who both had their breasts removed.
One had one removed, one had both.
The one that had one removed
her husband was a famous photographer,
only photographed naked women.
And he came home every day to this girl who had one breast.
And he thought she was the sexiest thing on the planet.
My other client, his wife had deformed breasts
and he owned a club, gorgeous women all around him.
She was the only woman that he really and truly loved.
He adored her.
Because sexual attraction is in the mind.
So please don't think,
'Oh, I don't feel feminine now.
'I can't make a baby.
'I can't ovulate.
'My fertility is over.
'I'm not sexy.'
Some of them say 'I feel more sexy,
'I don't worry about getting pregnant.
'I don't worry about being on my period, the mess,
'the inconvenience, is that a turn-off to my partner?
'I'm free now.'
And actually, as you get older,
sex can be so much more exciting.
You take your time, you know what works.
You've taught your body how to respond.
You've taught your body what to do.
You can be super orgasmic after your periods have ended.
Many people have said,
"I've had the best sex of my life in my 40s."
I teach many women how to orgasm.
Most of them say, 'wow!
'My sex life is so much better at 40.
'I had my first orgasm at 42, 45, 46,
'because I was free to just be me.
'I didn't think about my body
'as something that's here to make a baby.
'My breasts are here to feed a baby.
'I thought, well, my body is here to experience pleasure.'
And that's what your body is here for.
The clitoris by the way,
is the only organ that is there entirely
to receive pleasure.
Only to receive pleasure, that's why it's there.
And the menopause doesn't change that,
doesn't take away the hundreds of nerve endings
that are in it.
And so forget about all those old wives tales,
all those misconceptions.
You are female.
You are feminine.
You can decide you're an absolute goddess with a womb,
without a womb, with periods, without them,
with breasts that are up here or down here,
it doesn't matter.
If you believe you are sexy and gorgeous and a goddess,
then your partner will pick that up
and reflect back what you think about you.
Your sexiness has got nothing to do with your womb.
Nothing to do with your periods.
And many guys say, 'you know I find older women
'so much more sensual, so much more erotic.
'They're not insecure.
'They're not hung up about the size of their thighs.
'They're not worried about what they look like in bed.
'They understand what it is to be sensual,
'to take your time.'
And actually what men want in the bedroom
is somebody warm and fun and exciting.
And it isn't just about men,
you may be in a same sex relationship too.
Wherever you are, whatever you are, whoever you are,
your womb does not make you more sexy or less.
Your fertility does not make you more desirable or less
unless you choose to believe that to be true.
So do yoga, do meditation, do visualization,
do breathing exercises,
take the supplements, do some research.
Don't have spicy food, sugary food, too much alcohol.
And if you want to get your libido back,
and if you want to have sex that doesn't hurt,
use lubricants, use fantasy, use a lot of foreplay.
And most of all,
believe that you are magnetically desirable,
gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, amazing.
I know from having had a therapy practice for 33 years,
that some of my clients would go,
"My wife, oh my God!
"She is sex on legs.
"She's the hottest thing in the world.
"Wait till you meet her.
"She's just so sexy.
"I worry every day that somebody will take her off me."
And in would come this completely normal average woman.
And they'd say "I bet he told you I was a goddess."
I'm like, "he did."
She went, "I know it's so embarrassing, he tells everyone.
"And I'm not a goddess."
I said, "Well you are to him."
And I love that,
that they saw their wife as just the sexiest thing
in the world.
So it's not up to anyone else but you.
And someone would say,
"Oh my God! My husband is so sexy."
And then in would come this little fat bald guy.
But they thought he was gorgeous.
The sexiest part of you is here.
Desire starts here.
Arousal starts here.
Libido starts here.
The sexiest organ is your mind.
It never ages.
It doesn't go through a menopause.
So please believe that the menopause is a blip.
It's a delay.
You can have a wild, passionate sex life in your 60s,
in your 70s, in your 80s.
It's up to you.
You are what you believe.
Change your beliefs because it's everything.
The only thing that can make you feel unattractive,
are your thoughts.
Your thoughts control your feelings,
your feelings control your actions,
your actions control your events.
Think different thoughts about a menopause.
Your menopause don't compare yourself to anyone else.
And you can sail through the menopause.
Sail through it.
Flow through it like Japanese women do,
like women in many tribes do.
It's nothing.
It's what you decide it is,
and your decisions are yours to make,
to change, to alter, to tune, to correct, to adjust.
Thanks for tuning in, see you soon.