- Hi, we're the Fine Brothers. - And consider yourselves warned!
- Grab your lightsabers and (as Obi-Wan) use the Force!
- We're about to spoil the entire Star Wars saga
by starting as it should be, with Episode IV: A New Hope.
You'll be all caught up for when Star Wars: The Force Awakens
hits theatres on December 18th after watching this recap
in one take and under six minutes. - Starting now.
- The saga begins in Episode IV with a civil war between
the good guy Rebel Alliance and the bad guy Galactic Empire.
- So far, the Alliance is up after stealing the Death Star plans.
- Which will be explained in the upcoming Rogue One movie.
- One of the leaders of the Galactic Empire, Darth Vader...
- Who wears a mask, breathes like a subway train,
and has the voice of James Earl Jones--
- ...is pissed and captures a princess named Leia,
whose hair looks like it was sponsored by Cinnabon.
- She gives the droid R2-D2 a message, saying,
"(as Leia) Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."
And then he and the other droid, C-3PO, head to Tatooine.
- They're eventually bought by a farm boy named Luke Skywalker
and his uncle Owen.
- Following the droids, Luke is attacked by Sand People,
but is saved by Obi-Wan, who turns out to be a Jedi.
- Wait, what's a Jedi?
- Well, a Jedi is a guardian of peace and justice
who follow the light side of the Force, who were either all killed off
or are in hiding due to events in the past.
- And wait, what's the Force?
- It's a metaphysical power that allows you to do cool stuff
like move things with your mind and influence others' thoughts.
- Everybody got that? Good!
- Obi-Wan tells Luke his father was a Jedi
and gives him his father's lightsaber...
- The weapon of choice for the Jedi.
- ...and says he was killed by Darth Vader.
- Vader is part of the Sith, who follow the dark side of the Force.
- After finding out the Empire will be looking for the droids,
he runs back home to find his aunt and uncle killed by Stormtroopers.
- Luke then decides to join Obi-Wan to save Leia.
- They need a ship, so they go to a cantina...
- With a little help from Obi-Wan's Jedi mind tricks.
- ...and hire future archaeologist bad boy Han Solo
and his wookie Chewbacca to help them get to the planet Alderaan.
- Which they do in style with every Star War fan's favorite ship:
the Millennium Falcon.
- However, when they arrive, they find only debris.
- And learn that Alderaan got blown up by the Death Star!
- The entire planet killed in one shot.
- They get sucked into the Death Star by a tractor beam
and go undercover as Stormtroopers and free Leia, who's on board.
- Before they can get back to the ship, Obi-Wan duels it out with Vader.
- It's Obi-Wan versus Vader!
- And Vader takes him out! Pretty easily.
- RIP, Obi-Wan!
- Luke is pissed, but they leave for more space battles!
- After receiving his reward for helping out, Han leaves
and the Rebel Alliance plans its attack against the Death Star.
- Leia leads the way for the Rebel's plan
and Luke decides to join in and fly in an X-wing.
- The Rebel Alliance begins to attack when Vader comes out
to fight in an TIE Interceptor.
- It's not looking too good for the Rebels until Han appears
and evens the odds!
- Luke, in his X-wing, channels the Force
and with the help of Obi-Wan's voice, shoots a torpedo
at the Death Star's reactor, destroying it.
- Victory!
- It's time for the sequel, The Empire Strikes Back!
Our personal favorite.
- The Rebel base has moved to the snowy planet of Hoth.
- And Vader continues his search for Luke, who he has sensed is a Jedi.
- On patrol, Luke gets caught in a blizzard and passes out.
- But not before seeing a vision of Obi-Wan
telling him to go to Dagobah to train under Yoda, a powerful Jedi.
- Han finds Luke, and cutting open his recently frozen to death tauntuan,
places Luke inside for warmth. - Mmm, meat blanket!
- They are finally saved, and as Luke recovers
Leia urges Han to stay and help.
- Han thinks Leia's got the hots for him
and she responds by smooching Luke.
- Vader eventually figures out that the Rebel base has moved to Hoth!
- Time to evacuate!
- Vader's troops drop AT-STs and the monstrous AT-ATs
in order to destroy the base.
- How do you defeat giant four-legged killing machines?
- You trip them, of course!
- Though the Empire eventually destroys the Rebel base,
some Rebels escape and Luke and R2 hop in an X-wing
and depart for Dagobah.
- As for the others, they get out on the Millennium Falcon,
but its hyper drive is broken, so they dock on an asteroid.
- Leia and Han start getting schmoozy with each other
and share a kiss! - On Dagobah, Luke encounters Yoda--
- And no matter what others say, he looks the best like this,
and not when he is CGI.
- And after pretending NOT to be Yoda, finally reveals himself
and he begins a strenuous Jedi workout routine with Luke.
- Luke finds a cave, where he has a vision of himself
beheading Vader, with a severed head revealing his own face.
- As for Vader, he receives a transmission
from his Sith master, the Emperor.
- They discuss Luke and plan to sway him to the dark side or kill him.
- To find the Millennium Falcon, Vader enlists bounty hunters,
including Boba Fett.
- Han and crew head to Cloud City for repairs,
where they are welcomed by his friend, Lando Calrissian.
- Unfortunately, Lando made a deal with the Empire to capture
the rebels or his city would be destroyed.
- Luke senses something's wrong and he and R2 depart,
although Yoda says he isn't ready to fight.
- Turns out Vader was torturing Han and Leia
in order for Luke to detect them with the Force.
- Vader tests out his carbon freezing chamber on Han.
- Leia tells him she loves him. - To which he responds, "I know."
- And Chewbacca roars as Han is frozen in carbonite!
- Vader gives Boba Fett the Hansicle to deliver to Jabba the Hutt.
- Who Han owes a debt to.
- And Luke makes it to Cloud City to save his friends, but--
- It's a trap! - It's Luke versus Vader!
- Vader slices off Luke's hand!
- Then in one of the biggest shockers of cinema, Vader reveals to Luke:
- (as Vader) I am your father. - Mind blown!
- To escape, Luke tosses himself down a shaft.
- He's saved by Lando and the Millennium Falcon
and they escape the Stormtroopers.
- R2 fixes the hyper drive and they flee.
- It's time for Return of the Jedi!
- The Empire's begun building a second Death Star.
- And a prosthetic-handed Luke and company have arrived
to Tatooine to save Han Solo.
- C-3PO and R2 are made into Jabba's slaves, but Leia...
- Disguised as a bounty hunter...
- ...arrives with Chewbacca as her prisoner
and collects part of the bounty put on Han.
- She releases Han, but they are captured by Jabba and his men!
- Luke and his friends are captured and brought to Jabba for trial
and Leia gets forced to be Jabba's new side piece.
- They're sentenced to get digested for a thousand years
by the giant Sarlacc monster in the desert!
- Luke is forced to walk the plank and [bleep] gets real!
- He uses the Force to grab his lightsaber and starts hacking away.
- Han takes out Boba Fett, who falls into the Sarlacc's mouth,
and Leia chokes out Jabba! - RIP, Jabba and Boba.
- After escaping, Luke and R2 split up with the group
and head back to Dagobah.
- Meanwhile, on the Death Star 2.0, the Emperor promises
that they will turn Luke to the dark side!
- On to Dagobah!
- Luke finds the 900 year old Yoda
about to die, and Yoda reveals that Luke has a sibling.
- RIP, Yoda.
- On Luke's way out, ghost Obi-Wan reveals that Vader
used to be a good Jedi named Anakin,
along with confirming that Luke had a twin sister.
- He figures out that it's Leia?! - Say whaaaaat?!
But they kissed once! Ew!
- The Rebel Alliance share their plans for destroying the Death Star 2.0.
- They need to take out the Death Star shield generator
located on the forest moon of Endor.
- The Rebels team up with the planet's adorably dangerous
inhabitants, the Ewoks, to stand against the Empire.
- Luke decides it's time to face Dad and reveals to Leia
that she's his sister and that Vader is their pop!
- He meets with Vader to try to talk him out of the dark side,
to no avail, and he is taken to meet the Emperor.
- The Emperor reveals that he set up the Rebels!
- It's a trap!
- The Rebel forces near the generator get taken prisoner,
while the Rebel forces in space are attacked.
- And then... the moment of truth... - Luke versus Vader! Again!
- This time, Luke chops off Vader's hand!
- Before Luke can kill him, he tosses away his lightsaber
to not fall to the dark side.
- The Emperor uses Force lightening on him.
Who knew you could do that?!
- Vader has a change of heart and uses a move
straight out of WWE and gorilla press slams the Emperor
and throws him down a shaft to his death.
- RIP, the Emperor.
- Unfortunately, some lightening hits Vader in his vitals,
mortally wounding him.
- He takes off his mask to see his son for the last time.
- RIP, Vader.
- The gang manages to destroy the Death Star shield generator
and Lando flies the Millennium Falcon into the Death Star
and destroy the main reactor! - RIP, Death Star 2.0.
- The film ends with Luke and the company reunited!
- They celebrate the huge Rebel victory
with the spirits of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin looking on.
- Oh yeah... then they made those horrible prequels.
The point you really need to know was
Anakin was found as a boy and gets trained as a Jedi by Obi-Wan Kenobi,
becomes psychotic after his mother is killed,
yet somehow marries a queen named Padme,
who gives birth to Luke and Leia, who get separated
at birth for their own protection,
and there's a ton of fan service that didn't really make sense,
and births the worst character that we won't even dignify with mentioning,
so you really never need to watch those films.
- And now you're ready for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
- Where is Luke now?
- Will BB-8 be awesome or horribly annoying?
- Can this movie be the first good Star Wars film in three decades?
Please, JJ Abrams!!!
- Will you be watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens?
- (both) We know we'll be!
♪ (vocalizing Imperial Death March) ♪
♪ Iron price! ♪
- Iron price!