- Ugh.
- God, I feel so awful.
I just feel like I haven't had any motivation at all lately.
- My brain feels like mush.
- I haven't even been able to finish an email in six months.
- Then perhaps we should talk about what you do finish.
- What?
(ominous music)
- Greetings. I--
(metal clanking)
Greetings. I am the Chosen. (ominous music)
Your ancestors have summoned me here today
to realign your unfulfilled potential.
- Damn, my ancestors are rude.
- The problem is clear.
You are all nutting, ejaculating,
blasting your mana into a dirty towel.
You want to see God, then leave mortal pleasures behind.
Permission to teach you all the sacred art
of never nutting ever again.
- I think we're good. - No.
I think I'm good. I have to be nutting all times.
- I'm good. - [Woman] Uh-uh.
- Let us begin. (fingers snapping)
- What the? (all straining)
- Welcome to your training.
Your first mission: don't nut.
- Okay, easy.
- What about now?
- Oh no! I'm about to nut! (suspenseful music)
- Don't nut! - Me too!
- Don't nut!
- [Woman] It's too hard! - Don't do it!
Hard, is it?
Fight it, don't nut!
Open your eyes.
(all whirring)
Welcome to nutvana. (ethereal music)
Nutvana.
Spirituality, tranquility.
Never nut.
Philosophy.
- I understand you both perfectly.
(birds chirping)
- Noah, how's your Spanish coming along?
(Noah speaking Spanish)
(Man speaking French)
- And I can speak Italian.
(all laughing)
- (gaps) Oh no! A random boner.
The enemy.
- Banish it, Noah. Focus!
You've got this. Fight it!
Fight it Noah!
(Noah yelling)
- (gasps) The moment has passed.
I am free yet again.
- Then it's official.
You are all ready.
- Ready for what?
- The crazy (beep).
Energy. (fast paced music)
Telekinesis.
Electricity. (light hissing)
Foresight. - And that is how you die.
- Thank you for telling me.
- My students.
You have impressed me greatly in our time together.
The leaps and bounds you have made in 37, 37 minutes?
Whoa. Jesus, you guys are all seriously impressive.
My work here is done. (somber music)
- Chosen, you can't go.
- I'm afraid I must.
Other people's ancestors need my help
making their lineages stop nutting.
It's like, seriously like overwhelming as freaking crap.
I'm so annoyed.
But remember, this is not goodbye.
It's semen you later.
(air whooshing)
(door thudding) (Chosen straining)
- Oh. Oh, it's a push.
I didn't realize.
- I know one thing. The Chosen changed our lives forever.
- Hey guys, anyone want fresh garlic bread?
(suspenseful music)
- [All] Oh! (all moaning)
(Noah gurgling)
- The problem here is clear. You are all nutting.
(all laughing)