- What's poppin' y'all?
It's Tokyo Vanity, and this is my worst date ever.
(hip hop music)
(thunder booming)
I'm on social media, doin' what I always do,
mindin' my business, bein' the good Christian woman I am.
So I'm slidin' through my DMs, the other side of my DMs.
See, I like to call that side the dark side.
The side that you have to approve,
'cause girl, I get all kinda stuff goin' on over there.
Then I see this guy.
So, he like, blase blah woopty-woo.
I wanna take you on a date.
So, I'm looking.
I ain't sayin' nothin' or whatever,
'cause you know I gotta look, I gotta see what it's about.
This man when I go on the page,
he is the king of remote locations.
He don't take pictures next to nothin'
I'm talkin' 'bout he don't take pictures next to doorsills.
He don't take pictures next to frigerators.
He don't take pictures next to nothin' tall,
and if he took pictures with cars,
he only take pictures inside the car.
If he takin' pictures with guys,
he's standing, those guys are sittin'.
He had it down to a pat.
You know, I'm in Miami, I'm shoppin' with my girls.
He DM'ed me.
He claims he just got to Miami, and we should link.
And I did.
When I find out I'm about to go on this date,
girl, you know me.
'Cause y'all know I'm freshly back on the market.
(people cheering) You know.
I immediately, I gotta go get it together.
You know, I call my glam squad.
You know, they doin' hair, makeup, nails type,
and I know you know my little pinky nail was broke,
so I had to get that fixed.
So, he axed me if he could pick me up,
like on some classic date stuff.
I'm like, no,
because you know, it's just too much goin' on in the world.
Girl, I might have to get up outta there,
and my driver, he do security also,
so you know he might shoot at this dude immediately.
So, get to the restaurant.
My driver like, would you like me
to go in and this and that?
I'm like no, I'mma text him and let him know I'm here.
I text him, I say hey, I'm in the black Cadillac truck.
I'm in front of the restaurant.
He said oh, okay, I see you.
I'm a few cars behind, parked on the side.
He said, I'm in the McLaren,
and he told me that he would be out in a second.
He wanted to roll up, okay?
I guess your girl had him a little nervous.
He had to ease his mind or something.
So anyway, he gets out the car,
come to the truck, and he knockin' on the door,
so immediately like, I'm looking at my driver like,
who is this kid at the truck?
'Cause I'm looking at him, I'm like,
I know this, I just, I know this is not my date.
Like, this can't be my date.
Maybe this one of the children
that be selling water or something.
So, I roll the window down and he like
hey, how you doin' woo woo woo woo woo.
But you know, I don't wanna be rude.
I'm lookin' like, oh.
Uh-oh.
I'm not doin' well at all, 'cause what is this?
We're not on a date in like, Willy Wonka's factory.
Like, what are you, little guy?
I'm 5'9" girl, I'm tall as hell,
and he's like,
oh what's up with you?
Let me help you out the, you know?
Oh, you look nice.
But I'm flabbergasted, like,
I'm truly taken away.
I can't believe that this man playin' with me like that.
So I'm lookin' down at him, like, boy?
Why would you even.
He like what, what's wrong?
I was like, you know what's wrong, but it's cool.
You know, come on, let's, hah!
Let's go in the restaurant.
(Tokyo laughs) (children giggling)
Why would he get out that car like that?
(Tokyo laughs)
So, we go in the restaurant.
You know, he askin' me questions,
like tryin' to get to know me,
but I really can't get past the height.
It's with me.
I can't really get past the height.
Anyways, long story short,
I ended up putting that aside,
and we had a very, very, very good date at the restaurant.
Now, did I wanna be with him,
or could we go any further?
No, we couldn't go no further than the front door,
and I get in my car, and you get in your car,
and we never speak again,
and we could be cool, or something like that,
but you can't be my man.
So, we leave the restaurant
and he's just real big on, come on,
I wanna go to the pool, woo woo woo woo woo.
To the little hookah lounge.
I know you like to smoke, and this and that.
I be watching your Instagram, this and that.
So I'm like, you know what?
I ain't got nothin' else to do.
And I know you guys probably feel like,
this not the worst date ever.
It sound like you had a good date, the man was just short.
No, he should've stopped that date right at that restaurant,
because soon as we get to the hookah spot,
it's an altercation.
See, that's how I knew his lyin' ass
ain't just get to no Miami,
because there was already people
who knew him in Miami like that.
As soon as we get there, it's the girl.
She got an issue with him about summin'.
All I know is when she came back
there was a dude with her,
and the dude knocked his ass out.
So now I'm pissed off, 'cause now you little,
and you just got beat up in the club in front of me.
And bitch, you in the club with me enough,
these people will put this on the Shade Room or something
and be like, Tokyo new boyfriend
just got knocked out in the club,
when bitch, you ain't even my man!
It just, it was too much!
Girl, I evaporated.
I acted like I, I was actin' like we wasn't even together.
So I was trying to get help for him like I ain't know him.
I'm like, somebody help him, oh my god.
What happened?
Anyways, I leave with my security.
So he blowin' my phone up,
like callin 'me and textin' me really mad 'cause I left him!
Baby, we came in two different vehicles.
I wasn't leaving with you regardless.
He's like, you ain't even
make sure I was good, this and that.
You should've made sure you was good.
You shouldn't have had your little ass outside by yourself
when you know you beefin'.
You should've been with your partners,
'cause I can't help you.
All in all, what I learned from this whole situation
is like, 'cause see now I be hard up in the DM now.
A dude could DM me and say good morning,
I be like, how tall you is?
Is you tall?
Is you tall or not?
I'm a Amazon.
I'm plus size, and I'm 5'9".
Bitch, I ain't got time to be playin' with you.
You this big. (foghorn blares)
Hey everybody, it's Tokyo Vanity
and that, my friend, was my worst date ever.
(hip hop music)
(thunder rumbles)