Hi, my name is Billy Eichner
and I feel over the God damn moon
about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
That's the angriest anyone's ever said that.
Well. How you feeling today?
Over the God damn moon.
I am so fucking grateful.
(people laughing)
Thanks for throwing me a bone.
A crumb.
(Conan laughing)
Thanks world.
Thank you for letting me on your podcast.
(people laughing)
What an honor.
You made it past the velvet rope onto my podcast.
Exactly.
What an exclusive group
(people laughing)
composed of I don't know who.
Exactly.
B.J. Novak and
(Conan laughing)
Dave Coulier was probably
here at one point. Exactly, exactly.
It's funny 'cause just before we started taping,
I was like, oh yeah B.J. Novak was here yesterday,
who you know, I love he's great and then I just started
attacking you.
I said you sir are no B.J. Novak.
Yes.
(Conan laughing)
Look I'm an aspiring B.J. Novak.
Exactly.
I'm a B.J. Novak for the little man.
(people laughing)
You know, what's so funny,
Billy, first of all, I adore you
and I'm so thrilled that you're here.
Thank you. Thanks for coming on
the podcast.
It's so funny because, you know, I was
like a good boy doing my research today,
not that I have to 'cause I know you so well
and I've been a fan for so long.
Then this little tidbit comes across my page
as I'm scanning through info on you and bio stuff
that you were a waiter for a while.
And I was thinking,
you as a waiter would terrify the shit out of me.
I was a terrible waiter
(Conan laughing)
and I would think so.
Yeah. I didn't last long.
I waited tables in New York when I was a struggling actor.
You know, a lot of my friends were doing that.
So they got me a job waiting tables.
They were all pretty good at it and I was terrible.
And then I remember the manager,
after one of my first training days,
I sat down at the bar and I was just, my brain was fried.
I have so much respect for waiters
in Manhattan especially. Yes, me too, yeah.
I mean 'cause I'm a native new Yorker.
I love New York more than anything,
but we can be awful.
(people laughing)
You know, especially, you know the rich ones
and I mean, that's just the truth, I experienced it.
And then so I sat down at the bar at the end of the day
and the manager came up to me, this very nice young woman
and she said you had a really hard day, huh?
You know, because she saw I was struggling.
Yeah. Yeah and I did
and I quickly kind of pivoted to being a bartender,
which was a much better job.
Well that's the thing is a surly bartender,
there's something cool and edgy about a surly bartender and
it makes sense to me because you're asking for your alcohol
and if they treat you badly,
it somehow makes sense to me.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean?
Like, well here's
your alcohol, sicko. The bartender,
the bartender has power.
Yes. You know like
people want that drink,
there's only one of you or two of you
so they want your attention.
It's kind of,
it's a much sexier job. Yes, yes.
You know, so. Yes.
Tom Cruise in Cocktail
Yeah. I was just thinking
Cocktail 'cause we're the same generation.
And also all I think about is that movie Cocktail
all the time. All the time.
You know what was also from that movie Cocktail, Kokomo.
Yes.
By The Beach Boys.
Yeah. Yeah.
♪ Gonna take it fast and then we'll take it slow ♪
♪ That's where we wanna go ♪
♪ Way down to Kokomo ♪
♪ Bermuda, Jamaica, we're gonna ♪
Yeah, anyway, they all vote for Trump so fuck them.
Oh no.
I think most of The Beach Boys are MAGA, yeah,
Beach Boys are proud boys Oh man.
would be a fun game to play.
(Sona laughing)
Not John Stamos probably.
He plays the drums.
The Beach Boys, it's the only rock group
I've ever gone to see where they were, I kid,
they all came out and they were wearing blue blazers.
(people laughing)
By the way,
the only rock group you've ever seen is The Beach Boys?
No, no,
that had blue blazers.
They had blue blazers. That had blue blazers,
I see. Yup.
And they weren't and I never did go see them.
I, you know, Yeah.
I was painting a little bit of a word picture there.
I see.
But yeah.
I think you as a waiter, I just find,
if you came up to my table and said,
what, do you wanna hear about the specials?
Yeah.
Do you wanna hear about them?
I'd be so intimidated.
Yeah. I'd say you just tell us
what we're gonna eat
and then I'm gonna leave the money and not even eat it.
What do you want, a beverage, you fucking asshole?
(people laughing)
What do you need, an extra spoon.
Go fuck yourself.