ANOTHER WOMAN HAD A DOG AT THE AIRPORT DRESSED UP.
WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S WITH THE DOGS?
I GOT A DOG. IT'S MY DOG. WHY DON'T WE DO DOG THINGS?
GO TO THE PARK. YOU COULD GIVE IT A FRISBEE.
ONCE IN A WHILE, LEAN DOWN, "HEY, HOW YA DOIN'? YOU ARIGHT?
GOOD, ARIGHT. GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE." IT'S A DOG.
[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]
I'M NOT DRESSIN' IT UP. WHAT'S UP WITH--
- WHY'S THE DOG GOT SOCKS ON? - [LAUGHTER]
SOCKS, HAD A SWEATER, LITTLE HAT,
LITTLE CELL PHONE AROUND HIS NECK.
STOP TRYIN' TO HUMANIZE THE ANIMAL.
IT'S A DOG. LET IT BE A DOG.
IN LOS ANGELES THIS PAST YEAR, THEY HAD, FOR CHRISTMASTIME,
A SANTA CLAUS FOR YOUR DOG,
150 DOGS WRAPPED AROUND THE MALL TO SEE DOGGIE SANTA.
TWO KIDS TO SEE THE NORMAL SANTA, 150 DOGS, RIGHT,
AND YOU GOT THE IDIOT OWNER SITTIN' THERE IN LINE.
[High Voice] "YEAH, COOPER. YOU'RE GONNA SEE SANTA TODAY."
[LAUGHTER]
THEN THEY PUT THE DOG ON SANTA'S LAP.
AND FROM THE LINE THEY'RE LIKE, "GO AHEAD, COOPER.
GO AHEAD.
TELL SANTA WHAT YOU WANT."
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
I'M LOOKIN' AT THIS, I'M LIKE,
"HE JUST WANTS TO LICK HIS BALLS."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSE HE'S GOT A SWEATER ON.
[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
BUT IT'S GOOD, YOU KNOW.
WE DO ALL THIS STUFF DURIN' THE DAY
AND WE COME TO NIGHTTIME,
WE START COMIN' TO EVENTS LIKE THIS,
START BRINGIN' OUR LADY, DATING. IT'S FUN, RIGHT?
FIRST DATE, THAT'S THE BIG ONE.
WHAT DO WE NORMALLY DO GUYS, DINNER?
SUSHI. YEAH. LAST WEEK, FIRST DATE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT SUSHI COSTS. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS.
CHICKEN, SALAD, STEAK, I KNOW WHAT THAT GOES FOR.
A DYNAMITE ROLL, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL THAT IS.
BECAUSE WHAT WE'RE DOING, LADIES, ON THE DATE,
IS WE'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH THE BILL IS IN OUR HEAD
BEFORE IT COMES TO THE TABLE.
IT'S A LITTLE GAME WE PLAY UP HERE, RIGHT?
YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S HAPPENING.
SO, I'M GUESSTIMATING THIS IS ABOUT $120 MEAL. THE BILL COMES, RIGHT.
AND, LIKE, A SILENCE COMES OVER THE TABLE, RIGHT?
SO, THE BILL COMES. I DO THE QUICK PEEK,
YEAH THE, WHOOSH-WHOOSH.
IT'S WHAT WE DO ON THE FIRST DATE.
WE DON'T LOOK AT IT LIKE IT'S A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.
WE ACT LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE TABLE.
SO, I SAW THE TOTAL, $256.
I CLOSED IT AND THEN I STARTED SWEATING...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
ON THE INSIDE OF MY BODY HERE.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
BECAUSE ON THE FIRST DATE, YOU CAN'T LET ON
THAT THAT TOTAL MIGHT BOTHER YOU.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT POKER FACE.
BUT IF YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOU GET A BILL LIKE THAT...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YOU'LL FLIP IT OVER. "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS CRAP?!"
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]
"TWO HUNDRED AND FI-- WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT?!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"YOU BETTER TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
WE'RE NOT COMIN' BACK HERE AGAIN."