- The world loves cheese.
People look forward to a cheese night,
it's in literally every food,
even YouTubers are making giant horses out of the stuff.
And meanwhile,
I feel like a freak because I hate cheese.
Even if there's like a microscopic
dot of some cheese on something I'm about to eat,
I'll have to spit it out.
I'll detect it.
My cheese detection will go off
and I'll be like "nope."
Except for pizza is generally cool.
I don't understand it cause it just takes like pizza.
I don't make the rules.
Anyway,
I've not had a drop of cheese since I made this
video seven years ago and traumatized myself,
but time has passed.
Have my taste buds matured now?
I like the taste of sparkling water.
I can even handle some red wine.
Maybe now I'm in my cheese arc.
So I thought I'd try some foods that I hate
leading up to the final boss of cheese.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
And I've got a chaotic rat behind the camera.
[Dan] Whaddup!
It me, that's all you're getting.
- You've already ruined the video.
- [Dan] Just getting a little bit of digit.
(Phil groans)
Cause I am not visually prepared to be on camera.
I look disgusting.
- He's gross.
- [Dan] I'm sweaty, I'm oily.
- He's dripping.
And he's just been to Tesco and bought me
loads of delicious hopefully food.
- [Dan] I have foraged the (dog barks)
out of some food for you.
- You've gone deep into the-
- [Dan] I've snuffled those truffles-
- Truffle mines.
- [Dan] -with my own snout.
- Thank you.
I'm actually scared.
I feel like I'm on "I'm a Celebrity...
Get Me Out of Here!"
- [Dan] I have put so much effort
into the presentation here.
- Thank you, Chef Dan.
You're like the rat from Ratatouille.
- [Dan] The first thing that we are gonna
start with today is a classic item
that one would recreationally eat,
an olive.
- No!
- [Dan] I want you to appreciate how I have
presented this.
- [Phil] It's very beautiful.
(cheerful music)
Thank you-
- [Dan] You've made it roll out of place!
- [Dan] I put that right in the goddamn
middle of the plate.
- There we go.
Oh, oh!
- What's inside it?
What's that?
- [Dan] Shut the hell up.
Right, so, this isn't even an advanced olive.
This is an olive soaked in bloody herbs and sauce
and it's got some garlic in the middle.
- Is that the butt,
or is that the butt?
- [Dan] Well, I mean, clearly one end looks more-
- That looks more like, yeah.
- [Dan] I think we need to censor that,
that's disgusting.
Look at that olivussy.
Oh hell yeah.
- In my opinion,
they are vinegary grapes from hell,
and I don't think I'm gonna change that opinion.
- [Dan] Okay, well, firstly,
vinegary grape?
You just described what an olive is.
- Exactly!
- [Dan] But they're vinegary grapes from
"Call Me By Your Name," Phil!
(Phil groans)
- Do I have to eat the whole thing?
Can I just do a little nibble?
Tiny little nib?
- [Dan] You have to eat the whole thing!
(Phil chuckles nervously)
- What is it?
It's not cheese in it, though, is it?
- [Dan] No, it's garlic!
- Okay, okay.
Down it, Fresher.
- [Dan] Enjoy it, weirdo.
No, you are open to new experiences.
Vinegary grape.
It's nice.
- Okay.
- [Dan] Oh, garlic.
- Okay.
Garlic.
It's not-
- [Dan] Make your mind up!
- It tastes like I've just had a shot of vinegar.
The garlic helped,
so I'm glad you got a flavored one
rather than a pure,
disgusting normal olive.
- [Dan] Okay, olive-shaming.
- It's not soft and it's not hard.
- [Dan] It's just the flesh of an olive.
(Phil laughs)
- Something in between,
which nobody wants.
Cause I can handle it,
but I just wouldn't choose to eat it.
I don't know what is on this list,
by the way.
I mean I know I what don't like,
but I don't know what you've bought.
- [Dan] They are all things that reveal you
to be hypocritical and awful.
- I'd honestly rather this was a spider.
- [Dan] This next one is a single slice of tomato.
(Phil expresses disgust)
- Every burger I order,
tomato straight out the window.
Into the mouth of the bird.
- [Dan] Do you like ketchup?
- Yeah, I like ketchup.
- [Dan] Do you like pizza?
- Yes.
- [Dan] Well then why do you not like the tomat?
- [Phil] It's scary looking.
What's going on in there?
- [Dan] It is alien, for sure.
- [Phil] I don't wanna go near that!
- [Dan] That looks like a rare jellyfish.
- I don't wanna eat the whole thing.
- [Dan] Yes!
- The whole thing?
- [Dan] Yes, just put it in your mouth.
- Are you having a laugh?
- [Dan] It's a tomato, it's not gonna kill you.
Just put it in your mouth.
- Gimme a countdown.
- [Dan] Three, two, one go.
(tense music)
(Phil grunts)
- [Dan] Find the soup.
Find the sauce.
- Okay, I'm find the-
(Dan laughs)
Oh, there's so much in my mouth.
I'm gonna choke.
Feels like a tiny brain has just
exploded in my mouth.
And I'm not Hannibal.
Horrible, but bearable.
- [Dan] Mushroom!
- Oh, (beep).
Oh, no!
(cheerful music)
I don't think you should eat fungus.
Have you seen "The Last of Us?"
- [Dan] I'm kinda with you that everything about
a fungus screams people aren't supposed to eat it.
- I would be the person that survives
"The Last of Us,"
cause I've not had one in five years.
You're all gonna get the mutant things
growing out of your eyes,
and I'll be like,
"Yeah, I'm hanging out with Pedro."
- [Dan] Mushrooms are pungent.
- Pungent. Soily.
- [Dan] Right, yes.
- The opposite of Haribo.
- [Dan] Right. Now, what I want you to do
is you know how beet roots stay earthy?
- Yeah.
- [Dan] They just, like, slay.
(cameras clicking)
- Slay.
- [Dan] I want you to find the tasty,
smoky, toasty, earthiness.
- Okay, right.
Right, I'm gonna lick it.
- [Dan] You gotta stick the whole thing in.
- No, absolutely not.
(slurping sound)
- [Dan] Absolutely nothing.
- Couldn't detect that.
- [Dan] Right, stick the whole thing-
- This is raw, so maybe it'll be less slippery.
- [Dan] Stick it in your mouth.
- I can't do the whole thing.
- [Dan] Yes, you can.
It's not that bad.
- Oh my god, right.
- [Dan] No no, try to like it.
- Okay I'm gonna try,
I'm gonna try.
I love it. I love it, I love it.
(tense music)
Oh!
- [Dan] Shut up!
(Dan laughing)
- I hate it!
Why do you eat this?
- [Dan] It's got a nice taste!
(Phil gags)
Don't gag!
(Dan laughs)
- Oh I can't, I can't, I can't.
- [Dan] Here's the spit bucket.
Oh god, oh god.
You're doing it.
- [Phil] Oh, I hate it.
- [Dan] I love it.
(Phil chuckling)
It doesn't even taste of anything!
- [Phil] Exactly!
- [Dan] It's a raw mushroom.
It has like 1% flavor.
(beeping)
Well, good news is I've brought a palate cleanser
for you and this one comes in a different form.
We're shaking things up.
I now have a tea spoon of mayo.
(cheerful music)
- Do you know I've not had mayo in,
like, ten years?
I don't even know what it tastes like anymore.
- [Dan] A lot of people are religious for mayo,
so you're gonna offend them.
- Why?
Why are you like "Ooh, I'm gonna have some fries
and a ketchup, that's a nice flavor,
I'm gonna have fries and a smoky barbecue,
no, I'm gonna get the slimy egg juice,
that's the thing I wanna dip my food in."
- [Dan] Phil.
- Slippery, liquid egg.
- [Dan] You like eggs.
- Sometimes.
- [Dan] You like sugar.
- Yeah.
- [Dan] Then why don't you like mayonnaise?
- I only like eggs in scrambled form,
and fried.
- [Dan] So it's got an egginess.
- It's got an egginess, the egg ick.
- [Dan] But people like how refreshing it is.
- Even if I like eggs,
I still get the egg ick.
I'm not gonna eat all that.
- [Dan] Yes.
- [Phil] No one's gonna do a shot of mayo.
- [Dan] Shut the (beep) up that is how much
I put on a single fry.
- You should have given me a fry!
- [Dan] I would have table spoons of
mayonnaise as a child.
- Really?
- [Dan] Yeah.
- That explains some things.
Right, okay, here we go.
Oh, that was rude.
I didn't mean it like that,
I didn't mean it like that!
(tense music)
(spoon clinks)
Ooh. Oh, why?
- [Dan] Creamy mayo.
- There was too much in my mouth.
Oh my god.
The aftertaste.
It's making my eyes water a bit.
It's not as bad as I thought it would be.
Like the fear was making it taste worse.
- [Dan] Finish the spoon, then.
Lick that.
- Shut up!
(both laugh)
Shut your mouth.
(laughing)
I think my taste buds have changed
because that's not making me gag anymore.
It's actually all right.
It's got a vinegariness that I'm focusing on.
This is plain mayo,
which I don't think I would have,
but I would definitely be less scared
if it was on a burger now.
Maybe if I have more of it,
I'll have seven mayos and then
an eighth.
Maybe I'll be like, "yeah,
pour it all over me."
I kind of like mayo.
We've improved.
- [Dan] Well, I got good news and bad news.
(screaming)
I just dropped the mayo on the floor!
- Oh my god, that's bad news!
This is a new carpet.
Wait, I need to Google how to get mayo
out of the carpet.
Scrape off excess mayonnaise.
Look at what he's done.
- [Dan] Shut up.
Right, here we go.
- [Phil] Your big toe looks weird.
This is the content people want.
(beeping)
- [Dan] Good news, you're done with
the stuff on the weird plate.
- Yeah.
- [Dan] Bad news, we're swapping the plate
for a bowl.
- I know what's coming.
I'm not mentally prepared for this.
- [Dan] I spent so much goddamn effort
into this, you better appreciate it.
- I'm gonna start hyperventilating.
- [Dan] Welcome to a journey through cheeses,
presented lovingly and artistically
by Dan, hold it.
(cheerful music)
- It's so beautiful but so horrible to me.
There's so many!
- [Dan] Firstly, something that is not cheese
but is cheese-adjacent.
- Okay, this already absolutely stinks.
- [Dan] A single cheesy wotsit.
- I think I'll be able to handle a wotsit.
- [Dan] Y'all may know this as a cheese puff.
Now he's about to be a cheese puff.
(drum rimshot)
- I don't mind artificial cheese flavor that much,
so I think I'm gonna be all right.
I actually like a Cheeto.
- [Dan] Yeah, you like a puff?
- Yeah, I love a puff in my mouth.
(tense music)
(Phil hums)
It's fine.
- [Dan] That tastes like cheese!
It's a cheesy wotsit!
Cheesy wotsits, cheese puffs, Cheetos-
- It does not taste like cheese.
They've added so much flavoring and sugar
and salt.
If I was gonna go to the crisp aisle,
I would not choose that,
but it's fine.
I'd snack on it with a beer.
I drink beer now.
I do.
I've had like six beers.
Not today.
Drink responsibly.
(Phil laughing)
(beep)
- [Dan] Halloumi.
- More like haNOmi.
- [Dan] You like halloumi?
- [Phil] I like halloumi when it's been grilled.
I've never had it in its-
- [Dan] Explain, hypocrite!
What do you mean?
- It doesn't taste cheesy.
- [Dan] It's not even cheese!
- It just tastes like salty brick.
- [Dan] Yeah, you're right there.
- This has not been grilled, though.
So I think it's lost its caramelization,
and it seems a bit rancid.
I think I'm gonna be all right with this.
- [Dan] Yeah?
(creepy music)
- It's fine.
It's nice.
It's a lot better when it's grilled.
- [Dan] Do you wanna grill it and drizzle
honey all over it?
- Mm, that's what I like.
I think this is packed with so much salt
it's actually quite nice.
This is the only cheese I like
except for pizza cheese.
Can we just eat that for the rest of the video?
I'll just eat that lot.
- [Dan] And thus we have established that
Phil's a liar.
- I'm not a liar!
- [Dan] Next on the cheese spectrum.
Are you on the cheese spectrum, Phil?
- No, I'm the opposite of that.
- [Dan] Are you bicheesual,
or are you fully homocheese?
- I am acheesual.
- [Dan] We have a single Babybel.
- Okay.
- [Dan] Now this is in the cheese string category
of things that are also barely cheese.
- Sure. I've never opened a Babybel.
Ahh.
Ooh.
- [Dan] Like undoing the dress of a seductive mistress.
- Yes.
Doesn't smell great.
- Smells musty, like it's been in an attic.
- [Dan] I mean it's probably been in a factory
for three and a half years.
You have to chomp at least a third of it.
- I've got actual fear.
This is, like, the first real cheese
I know I don't like.
I'm a mouse, I love it.
I'm a rat.
(tense music)
- [Dan] What a coward bite.
Imagine the things that you like, milk-based products,
but slightly sour,
but sometimes sour is nice.
- The swallowing and the aftertaste
was the worst bit.
Actually eating it was all right.
It's like a vanilla taste.
It wants to be vanilla,
but it's like vanilla has been
put in a soil.
- [Dan] You think that Babybel
tastes like vanilla?
- Yeah, it's a bit vanillary.
But then it's been left in an attic.
(tense music)
It's like gone off ice cream,
that's what it's like.
(Dan cackles)
- [Dan] That is literally what cheese is.
- Why do people like this?
- [Dan] Right, we have a national treasure now.
- Yeah.
- [Dan] If you don't like this,
people are gonna be mad.
- Okay.
- [Dan] This is the most mid of the road
of the cheese spectrum of the pleasure drome.
It is medium cheddar.
- [Phil] This is, like, generic cheese.
I've actually had this when I was a kid.
I'm gonna have this much.
(both laugh)
We didn't say anything about amount.
- [Dan] Slightly more, slightly more.
- What? That's loads.
- [Dan] Put it onto the plate,
put it onto the plate.
Right, right.
Just a slightly wider nub.
- That is so much cheese.
I can't have that whole thing in my mouth,
I'm gonna die.
- [Dan] It's not poison.
- I'm gonna set on fire.
(tense music)
Oh no.
Oh no. No, no!
- [Dan] Bring it back, bring it back,
bring it back, bring it back, stop!
No no no, calm.
Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth.
It's nice.
- Oh, it's not nice.
- [Dan] It's just cheese.
It's medium cheddar.
Where's your laundry trash bag?
You don't need it!
(Dan screams)
No, for god's sake!
Oh my god, it's still in your mouth.
Sit down, sit down.
- Okay, wait.
- [Dan] Chew, chew, swallow.
No spit, you have to swallow the medium cheddar.
- I swallowed it, I swallowed it.
(mouth pops)
Oh, that was rancid.
That was traumatizing.
Whoever invented cheddar,
I hope you are having a horrible day.
- [Dan] The next one is not a hard right
into cheesism.
- It's hard left.
- [Dan] Brie!
- [Phil] What's the outside?
- [Dan] It is wax, and you can eat it.
- So they just rubbed a crayon all over it
just to make it even better?
- [Dan] Yeah, they dip it in a candle.
It'd milder, it's creamier.
- Should I go for the nose or the ass?
I'm gonna go for the nose.
No, nose.
- [Dan] Do a cross-section with the ass.
A thin-
- Like that?
Or like this?
- [Dan] No!
- Like this?
- [Dan] Yes.
- Oh, this looks horrible.
- [Dan] It's not.
(tense music)
- That honestly tastes like plastic.
Like someone has left some kind of
plastic in your milk and it melted.
- [Dan] It so does!
- It does!
- [Dan] You're ruining cheese for me!
- Why would anyone eat this?
That was less horrifying than the cheddar.
Plastic-y milk!
Great.
(Dan laughing)
- [Dan] What will he think of next?
- Cool invention.
Right, there's two left.
I can do this, I can do this.
- [Dan] I'm sorry, but things are about to
just go so far off the deep end.
- Oh.
- [Dan] Another classic British export.
- Please, no.
- [Dan] Stilton!
It's literally moldy.
- Why is it moldy?
What are you playing at?
- [Dan] There's eating fungus,
there's fermenting and curdling things,
and then there's intentional mold.
- I'm literally scared.
- [Dan] It tastes exactly like the brie
with metal in it.
Like you're sucking on a penny.
- This is one for the history books.
Phil's eating moldy cheese.
(tense music)
Oh my god.
Oh no.
Oh, no, no, no.
(Dan laughs)
It took a while to settle in.
Oh no.
Oh my god.
I'm gonna swallow, I'm gonna swallow it.
Ohh.
- [Dan] All right, bitch.
If I brought down a slice of raw tomato
right now as a palate cleanser.
- I would love it.
Give me a tomato.
I need it, I need it.
- [Dan] Shove that (beep) straight in your mouth.
- Oh my god.
It's like liquid nectar.
- [Dan] Suddenly.
(Dan laughs)
In comparison.
- Holy crap.
That was vile.
That tasted like rubbing metal on
gone off milk.
Do you know if you've had some milk
in the fridge for too long,
you smell it and you're like "Eww."
It smelled like that had been
rubbed on an iron bar and then I just
put the whole thing in my mouth.
- [Dan] But it's nice, right?
- No!
- [Dan] Say blue cheese enjoyers, you freaks!
- This makes me think that most of the world
are aliens and I'm the normal one here.
- [Dan] Now Phil, this is not the end.
- How can something be worse than
whatever that was?
- [Dan] For in your last video,
those many moons ago,
should you not remember it.
- I don't really remember it.
- [Dan] There was a final test which, somehow,
you considered to be worse than the literal
product of mold.
- Please tell me it's not goat, or sheep.
- [Dan] This is not even modified unpleasantly,
it is simply from another animal.
Who are you to shame them?
- It's gonna be the goat.
- [Dan] Eat the cheese of the goat!
- No!
- [Dan] People love goat cheese, man!
- [Phil] I'm gonna cry.
- [Dan] Eat your fried goat cheese balls.
- I don't want any goat balls in my mouth.
- [Dan] You got goat cheese on a pizza.
- You're a pizza.
- [Dan] People seek it out.
- I seek out nothing else.
All I remember is I wanted to cry
and I had to spit it out.
- No, no, Phil.
Phil, stay with me.
- I'm not staying with you.
I wanna move away from you
at a thousand miles per hour.
- [Dan] People like this,
so just think it is a very mild cheese.
It just tastes a bit like a goat.
- Oh, it's so soft.
Every angle of my ass is currently sweating.
I can't handle it.
I can't do it.
(tense music)
Oh!
Immediately!
Oh, no!
(Phil gags)
(water running)
Are you filming me?
So it tastes like the smell of a goat.
When you go to a farm yard
and that waft of farm yard hits you,
that's what it tastes like.
Why?
I think the world has told people that cheese is nice,
and you're all like "oh yeah,
oh yeah, that's great!"
It's horrible.
You could be eating a lovely chocolate cake,
yet you're all going straight for these
blocks of mold, like "mm, moldy."
Wow.
I'm so disappointed that I still don't like cheese.
Thanks, Dan, for that.
I thought this was my moment.
I'm now a mature man.
- [Dan] Like a mature cheddar.
- Yeah.
I am mature Red Lester.
Scientifically, maybe I need to be 50, 60,
and then suddenly I'll be like,
"mm, give me some mold. Mm, let me lick that
gone off goat."
I feel like I need to order some-
What's the most uncheesy thing I could
order right now?
- [Dan] Eat a brick.
- Yeah, I'm just gonna go lick a brick outside.
Hopefully, there's other cheese-phobes out there
that are part of my crew.
I know there's not many because of the
disgusted looks I've got from everyone.
Leave a comment with a thing that everyone loves
that you don't like to eat,
and then everyone can judge you in the comments,
and I'll feel a bit better about myself.
- [Dan] I'm now gonna go eat all those cheeses
in the bath and just cry thinking about my life.
- Please lock the door, unlike last time.
So, give me a thumbs up if you enjoyed
watching my suffering.
Check out my last video over here,
where I read some old-school YouTuber quiz
role plays.
Oh yeah, Dan, is Dystopia Daily
happening at the moment?
- Light roll.
- And then tuck our burrito.
- [Louise] No!
- So go watch one of those.
It's all here.
Give it a click.
Have a great day.
Don't eat cheese.
Bye.