♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE'RE BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER STAR OF PARAMOUNT-PLUS' NEW "LAST
WEEK TONIGHT."
WE HEARD THAT YOU HAD WANTED YOUR SHOW TO REALLY BE "THE
MUPPET SHOW."
>> WE DID.
>> Stephen: MY PRODUCER GAVE YOU THE BUZZFEED, "WHICH MUPPET
ARE YOU TEST?" BUT WE DID NOT GIVE YOU THE
ANSWER.
WE HAVE THE ANSWER HERE AS TO WHO YOU ENDED UP BEING.
DO YOU WANT TO MAKE A GUESS AS TO WHICH MUPPET YOU ENDED UP
BEING?
AND THESE TESTS ARE IRONCLAD, YOU UNDERSTAND.
>> OH, WE KNOW THAT.
IT'S A BUZZFEED TEST, THOSE ARE ALWAYS PEER REVIEWED.
>> THIS IS THE BUZZFEED P.C.R.
MUPPET TEST, NOT THE INSTANT SPIT TEST.
>> I THINK "BUZZFEED" WORKS WITH "THE LANCET."
I WOULD LIKE TO BE ROLF.
I WOULD LIKE TO BE GONZO.
I DO BELIEVE THERE'S A BEAKER INSIDE OF ME.
I WAS SOMEWHERE ON THE SPECTRUM BETWEEN GONZO AND BEAKER.
YOU ARE ( BLEEP ) KIDDING ME.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MISS PIGGY.
>> MISS PIGGY!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MISS PIGGY.
YOU ARE BOLD AND CONFIDENT.
YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE, AND YOU GET OUT THERE AND MAKE
IT HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF.
YOU HAVE GREAT STYLE AND WIT.
YOU CAN CHARM THE HECK JUST OUT OF JUST ABOUT ANYBODY, AND YOU
ALWAYS STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN."
THAT'S JOHN OLIVER.
IT'S LIKE STARING IN A MIRROR RIGHT NOW FOR YOU.
>> I ABSOLUTE-- IT'S A MASSIVE COMPLIMENT.
I DO NOT HAVE THE SEXUAL CONFIDENCE OF A MISS PIGGY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE THE SEXUAL CONFIDENCE TO PLAY THE
VIOLA?
BECAUSE I HAD HEARD FOR YEARS NOW, FOR YEARS NOW I HAVE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU TO BREAK OUT THE VIOLA, WHICH I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW
TO PLAY.
YOU SPENT YEARS PLAYING THE VIOLA.
THIS IS TRUE, CORRECT?
>> I DID, I PLAYED-- I PLAYED THE VIOLA ALL THE WAY THROUGH
HIGH SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: IS THIS THE YEAR THAT "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" YOU
BREAK OUT THE VIOLA AND SERENADE ALL OF US?
WHAT'S THE BEST SONG YOU COULD-- FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW,
VIOLA IS LIKE A VIOLIN, BUT USELESS.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY!
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTE-- YOU CAN SHINGLE A ROOF WITH ONE BUT
THAT'S ABOUT IT.
>> COMPLETELY WRONG.
THE TONE OF AN ORCHESTRA WOULD BE SHIFTED UNLESS YOU HAD A FEW
PEOPLE THROWN IN THERE PLAYING A VIOLA, WHICH IS LIKE A VIOLIN
BUT A STRING LOWER.
IF YOU CAN'T PLAY THE VIOLIN WITH ANY FLARE, THEN YOU CAN
FILL THE SOUND OF AN ORCHESTRA BY DROWNING ON A VIOLA AND THAT
WAS MY JOB.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR GO-TO, TUNE "TURKEY IN THE
STRAW?" >> THE BEST I GOT THE MORE I
REALIZED HOW I WAS.
THE BETTER YOU ARE, YOU GET THE BETTER PIECES OF MUC.
AND I REALIZED AS I PLAYED THAT I REALIZED HOW BAD I WAS.
IN YOUR HEAD YOU KNOW HOW YOU WANT IT TO SOUND BUT YOUR
FINGERS CAN'T DO IT, SO YOU END UP WANTING TO SMASH IT AGAINST
THE WALL LIKE A SIGNIFICANTLY LESS COOL PETE TOWNSEND.
>> Stephen: I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL TO SEE YOU SMASH A
VIOLA.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY PROOF THAT-- I HEARD A LOT OF
BRAGGING.
I HEARD A LOT OF BIG TALK ABOUT YOU AND VIOL AS OVER THE YEARS.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YO YO MAHAS NEVER ENDED A CONCERT BY
SMASHING IT ALL OVER THE STAGE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE HE'S NOT A GIBSON OFF THE LINE.
>> I WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED OF PLAYING THE VIOLA IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE THING.
I WAS FINE WITH KIND OF PERFORMING, AND YET ANY CONCERT
AT SCHOOL I WAS PETRIFIED, BECAUSE DEEP DOWN, I THINK I
KNEW I WAS TERRIBLE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE MOST TERRIFIED YOU HAVE BEEN AT ANY
PERFORMANCE AT ALL?
WHAT IS THE MOST SCARED YOU HAVE BEEN TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND
START A PERFORMANCE?
>> HONESTLY, IT PROBABLY WASN'T THAT.
ANY TIME I WAS OPENING MY MOUTH, I WAS OKAY.
PLAYING MUSIC I WAS -- >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT SINGING?
>> OH, UM-- I MEAN, I NEVER KIND OF TRIED TO-- I ALWAYS KIND OF
DID THE COMIC-- IN MUSICALS, I WAS ALWAYS KIND OF OSTRACIZED
AS, "YOU CAN DO THE FUNNY SONG," BECAUSE IT DOESN'T INVOLVE ANY
RANGE OR NATURAL VOCAL TONE AND YOU CAN ACT LIKE THE WHOLE THING
IS A JOKE EVEN THOUGH YOU COULDN'T ACTUALLY DO THE THING
YOU ARE MAKING FUN OF.
>> Stephen: SO THAT DIDN'T SCARE YOU EITHER?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET NERVOUS BEFORE YOU GO ON STAGE?
>> NOT-- I THINK IT'S BEEN BATTED OUT OF ME.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU DO STANDUP -- >> Stephen: I NEVER DID IT.
>> YEAH, BUT THE THING IS, LIKE, YOUR FAILURES ARE SO VISCERAL,
SO PERSONAL, THAT ONCE YOU'VE BOMBED A HUNDRED TIMES-- IT'S
LOT OF PEOPLE'S TRUE NIGHTMARE.
THEY THINK I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE IN LIFE THAN
BEING ON STAGE AND BOMBING.
ONCE IT'S HAPPENED TO YOU 100 TIMES, AUDIENCES LOSE THEIR
CAPACITY TO HURT YOU.
SO YOU JUST-- YOU JUST BECOME A SHELL OF A PERSON.
YOU'RE LIKE-- THERE IS NOTHING-- THERE IS NOTHING EXTRA
INTERESTING ABOUT BOMBING IN BIRMINGHAM.
I JUST BOMBED IN LIVERPOOL.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
>> Stephen: NOW, SO THE FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, OBVIOUSLY,
IS, IF BOMBING LOSES ANY SPECIAL PAIN, DOES SCORING TO, LIKE,
KILLING IN THE ROOM LOSE ANY SPECIAL HIGH THEN?
>> WELL THAT'S-- I MEAN...
>> Stephen: WHAT I'M ASKING IS DO YOU CARE IF THE AUDIENCE IS
THERE AT ALL?
WHAT I'M GETTING IS THIS IS A PURELY MASTUREBATORY AFFAIR.
>> MY SHIFT TO AN AUDIENCELESS SHOW HAS BEEN EASIER THAN MOST.
>> Stephen: IN MY MIND THESE JOKES ARE KILLING.
I'M JUST DESTROYING EVERYTHING!
>> IN MY MIND, MY JOKES ARE BOMBING.
I ASSUME SILENCE, SO I'M NOT SHOCKED WHEN IT COMES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
WELL, JOHN, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
IS THERE ANYTHING-- IS THERE ANYTHING, PERHAPS, ABOUT YOUR
EIGHTH SEASON COMING UP YOU'D LIKE TO US KNOW ABOUT?
EIGHT SEASONS OVER HOW MANY YEARS?
>> EIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT WORKS OUT.
>> EIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW THESE DAYS, WE'RE ON, LIKE, SEASON 27
OF "BACHELORETTE" AND IT'S BEEN ON FOUR YEARS.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANY MORE.
>> WE REALLY STICK TO THE ONE SEASON, ONE YEAR PROCESS.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU.
>> IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THAT WAY FOR MOMENTS LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW
ABOUT YOUR UPCOMING SEASON?
>> JUST, IT'S ON AGAIN.
IF YOU LIKED THE SHOW PREVIOUSLY, I HOPE YOU WILL
ENJOY IT.
IF YOU REALLY HATED IT, HONESTLY, I WOULDN'T GIVE IT A
SECOND CHANCE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: NO RESAMPLING.
>> YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION.
THAT'S FAIR.
COMEDY IS SUBJECTIVE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S MATERIALLY CHANGED ENOUGH FOR YOU TO LIKE
SOMETHING THAT YOU PREVIOUSLY DID SPIESED.
SO I'D GIVE IT A MISS.
>> Stephen: I DISAGREE.
I THINK NO MATTER WHAT, GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A GREAT WAY FOR PEOPLE TO SAMPLE PARAMOUNT-PLUS.
IT WOULD BE A GREAT WAY FOR PEOPLE TO CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN.
WELL, JOHN, A PLEASURE AS ALWAYS.
I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE TO GO.
MARK IS MAKING-- MARK IS ACTUALLY SHAKING HIS HEAD SAYING
"DO WHATEVER YOU WANT."
I'M THE ONE PRETENDING IT'S TIME TO GO.
ALWAYS A DELIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER 24 MINUTES OR WHATEVER
THIS WAS.
WHATEVER.
YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO.
COME ON.
>> ALL I'LL SAY IS I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR EDITORS,
AND GODSPEED.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
SEASON EIGHT OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" STARTS THIS SUNDAY ON
HBO.
JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY INGRID ANDRESS.
GOOD-BYE, JOHN OLIVER.
♪ ♪ ♪