LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, WITH OUR COUNTRY MORE DIVIDED MORE THAN EVER, I THINK
IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THE ONE THING THAT UNITES US ALL,
THE CREDO WE LIVE BY: GIMME MORE STUFF.
( LAUGHTER )
LIFESTYLE IS THREATENED, BECAUSE AMERICA IS FACING AN
UNPRECEDENTED SUPPLY CHAIN CRISIS, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL
ABOUT IT IN MY NEW SEGMENT: "CARGO UNCHAINED."
>> WE'RE IN DEEP SHIP!
>> Stephen: BECAUSE OF COVID LOCKDOWNS AND LABOR SHORTAGES,
AND A LACK OF SHIPPING CONTAINERS, EVERYTHING YOU WANT
IS EITHER NOT MADE YET, STUCK ON A BOAT, OR WAITING FOR A TRUCKER
WHO CAN'T DRIVE BECAUSE THE GATORADE BOTTLE HE NEEDS TO PEE
IN IS STUCK ON A BOAT OR HASN'T BEEN MADE YET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND NOW-- THIS IS TRUE.
NOW, GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS ARE LEADING TO EMPTY
SHELVES AT GROCERY STORES.
IT'S SO BAD THAT WHOLE FOODS HAS HAD TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO
"PART FOODS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OVERON THE-- OVER ON THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE, THERE'S A SHORTAGE
OF FISH STICKS, FROZEN MEALS AND MARIE CALLENDER'S POT PIES.
IT'S A HUGE BLOW TO DIVORCED DADS:
"ALL RIGHT, KIDS, WHAT ELSE CAN DAD MAKE?
WHAT CAN I WHIP UP WITH MILLER LITE, AND A TUB OF CORN STARCH.
WHO'S READY FOR LUMPY BEER PANCAKES?"
IT'S NOT JUST FOOD.
IT'S ALSO DRINK, BECAUSE A GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF CO2 IS HAVING
AN EFFECT ON THE SUPPLY OF CARBONATED DRINKS.
SO GET READY FOR THIS SEASON'S HOT NEW BEVERAGE: COKE FLAT:
NONE OF THE FIZZ, ALL OF THE BROWN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S ALSO-- DO THEY SPONSOR, COKE FLAT?
STILL GOOD.
STILL-- STILL-- THERE'S ALSO LIMITED
AVAILABILITY OF SOUR PATCH KIDS, SWEDISH FISH, AND TOBLERONE.
NO, NOT TOBLERONE!
WHAT AM I GOING TO BUY AT THE DUTY-FREE SHOP TO GO WITH MY
GALLON OF BOMBAY SAPPHIRE AND BUCKET OF PACO RABBEN.
AND BRACE YOURSELVES, BECAUSE AMERICA IS RUNNING LOW ON
BEN & JERRY'S.
I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM: WHERE THE ( BLEEP ) ICE
CREAM?
THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
JUST, EVERYONE, CALM DOWN!
DON'T PANIC!
IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
BEN AND JERRY, OUR TWO ICE CREAM ZADDIES, HAVE PROMISED
THE COMPANY WILL FOCUS ON PRODUCING ITS MOST POPULAR
FLAVORS, WHICH, ACCORDING TO THEIR WEBSITE, INCLUDE
PHISH FOOD, CHERRY GARCIA, HALF BAKED AND,
AMERICONE DREAM, BABY.
BOOM!
THAT'S RIGHT!
COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
IT'S TRUE.
TAKE THAT, I'M POPULAR!
EVERYONE I KNEW IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!
BUT YOU MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE IF YOU PREFER ONE OF BEN & JERRY'S
LESS POPULAR FLAVORS LIKE CHUNKS OF REAL MONKEY,
CHERRY ORBACH, AND INATTENTIVE HUBBY.
WE'RE ALSO FACING A WINE SHORTAGE.
NO!
FROZEN FOODS, FINE.
CANDY, WHO NEEDS IT.
BUT A WINE SHORTAGE?
ME AD MY BOOK CLUB ARE BUYING ZIP TIES AND STORMING THE
CAPITOL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE REASON-- WHO'S WITH ME?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ON THAT ONE.
ONE REASON IS THERE'S NO PLACE TO PUT THE WINE WE DO HAVE
IS BECAUSE OF A GLASS BOTTLE CRUNCH.
INCIDENTALLY, "GLASS BOTTLE CRUNCH" IS ALSO ONE OF BEN &
JERRY'S LEAST POPULAR FLAVORS.
( APPLAUSE )
LEARNED THAT THE F.D.A. PLANS TO ALLOW A MIX-AND-MATCH
APPROACH FOR COVID BOOSTER SHOTS.
YES, MIXING DIFFERENT KINDS OF PROTECTION IS SMART.
THAT'S WHY WHEN I GO OUT IN THE SUN, I WEAR A BIG FLOPPY HAT,
SUNSCREEN, AND A CONDOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.
CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL.
THE GOVERNMENT IS CAREFUL TO SAY THEY WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ONE
SHOT OVER ANOTHER.
THEY'RE LIKE PARENTS TALKING TO THEIR KIDS ABOUT COLLEGE: "HEY,
PICK WHATEVER MAJOR MAKES YOU HAPPY, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
POETRY OR JOHNSON & JOHNSON."
AND DESPITE-- AND DID SPITE-- WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THIS TIE.
DESPITE ALL THE BENEFITS OF VACCINATION, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
STILL REFUSING TO GET THE SHOT, LIKE WASHINGTON STATE FOOTBALL
COACH AND MAN WHO EITHER HAS A VERY LARGE HEAD OR A VERY TINY
FACE, NICK ROLOVICH.
WASHINGTON STATE RECENTLY INSTITUTED A VACCINE MANDATE FOR
MOST STATE EMPLOYEES, BUT DESPITE THAT, ROLOVICH SAID HE
WOULDN'T GET VACCINATED, SO WASHINGTON STATE FIRED HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIRED HIM OUT OF A TEE SHIRT CANNON.
( LAUGHTER )
HOCKEY PLAYER FOR THE SAN JOSE SHARKS, EVANDER KANE, SEEN HERE
SKATING INTO THE CORNER OF A COFFEE TABLE.
YESTERDAY, THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE SUSPENDED KANE AFTER AN
INVESTIGATION FOUND THAT HE SUBMITTED A FORGED VACCINATION
CARD.
( BOOING ) HOW DARE HE THREATEN THE LIVES
OF MEN WHO USE GIANT STICKS TO SLAM EACH AT HIGH SPEEDS INTO
WALLS WITH BLADES STRAPPED TO THEIR FEET.
THIS AIN'T A SLAP SHOT ON THE WRIST.
THE LEAGUE SUSPENDED EVANDER FOR 21 GAMES.
( APPLAUSE )
HE CAN'T-- HE CAN'T-- HE'S GONE.
21 GAMES.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, HE'S A SHARK.
IF HE STOPS MOVING, HE'LL DIE...
IS ALL I KNOW ABOUT HOCKEY.
HERE'S THE MOST SURPRISING PART THOUGH: THE N.H.L. DOES NOT HAVE
A VACCINE MANDATE.
WHAT?
THEN WHY SUBMIT THE FORGED CARD?
"LOOK, I KNOW YOU DON'T REQUIRE A DRUG TEST, BUT HERE'S A CUP OF
MY COUSIN'S URINE."
( LAUGHTER )
ANTI-VAXXERS MIGHT EVEN AFFECT HOLIDAY TRAVEL, BECAUSE THE
DEADLINE FOR BIDEN'S FEDERAL VACCINE MANDATE IS ONE MONTH
AWAY, AND SO FAR, ONLY ABOUT 60% OF THE T.S.A.'s WORKFORCE HAS
BEEN VACCINATED.
WHY DOESN'T THE T.S.A> WANT TO GET VACCINATED?
THEY'VE GOT MORE EXPOSURES THAN ANYONE-- ESPECIALLY TO WHATEVER
YOU CAN CATCH FROM PATTING DOWN AMERICA'S AMPLE FRONT BUTTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF MORE T.S.A. WORKERS DON'T GET THEIR SHOTS, HOLIDAYS AT THE
AIRPORT WILL BE GUMMED UP WITH SHORT STAFFING AND LONGER LINES.
SO PASSENGERS MAY HAVE TO WAIT HOURS BEFORE BOARDING THE PLANE
BEFORE BITING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.
IF THE T.S.A. CAN'T FIND ENOUGH WORKERS, THEY'RE CONSIDERING
K9 TEAMS FOR STAFFING AND SECURITY.
THAT'S RIGHT-- SECURITY DOGS!
FIRST, YOU PAT ME, THEN I PAT YOU.
SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY, AGENT, PLEASE STEP OUT OF LINE,
YOU'VE BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED FOR A TUMMY RUB.
WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHO'S A GOOD BOY.
PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO GET THE SHOT IN PART BECAUSE ON THE
INTERNET, COVID CONSPIRACIES ARE STILL HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.
AND WE'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "DISINFORMATION
STATION."
>> I WAS MADE IN A LAB BY TIMOTHEE CHALAMET!
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE IT.
THROUGHOUT THE PAST SIX MONTHS, WE'VE BEEN RACING TO GET KIDS
VACCINATED SO THEY CAN BE SAFE IN SCHOOL.
BUT ONE PRIVATE SCHOOL IN FLORIDA IS DOING IT BACKWARDS,
SAYING THAT VACCINATED STUDENTS MUST STAY HOME FOR 30 DAYS TO
PROTECT OTHERS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE DANGERS OF VACCINATED KIDS,
WHILE LEAVING THE KIDS WITHOUT SHOTS IN SCHOOL.
HOW DO THEY DO FIRE SAFETY?
"KIDS, IF YOU CATCH FIRE, REMEMBER THE THREE STEPS:
RUN, FLAME, AND HUG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE SCHOOL'S NEW POLICY--
I DON'T KNOW.
THE SCHOOL'S NEW POLICY IS BASED ON THE POPULAR AND STUPID COVID
CONSPIRACY CALLED "SHEDDING," WHERE VACCINATED PEOPLE
SUPPOSEDLY WALK AROUND CROP DUSTING POISON, OR SOME MADE-UP
THING.
WHICH IS WHY THE SCHOOL'S ANNOUNCEMENT EMAIL REPEATED
FALSE CLAIMS THAT VACCINATED PEOPLE COULD PASS ON SO-CALLED
HARMFUL EFFECTS OF THE SHOT.
YEAH, HARMFUL EFFECTS.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T WEAR HELMETS: HOW DARE YOU CONFINE MY BRAIN TO
MY SKULL!
( LAUGHTER )
DOWN ON NOT KNOWING WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, SAYING,
"THE SCHOOL IS NOT OPINING AS TO WHETHER UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA
HAVE A BASIS IN FACT.
HOWEVER, WE PREFER TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION."
YES, FACTS HAVE NO PLACE IN SCHOOL!
SO, KIDS, GET READY FOR SEX ED 101: HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON THE
STORK BEFORE IT DELIVERS YOUR BABY.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE NICK OFFERMAN AND CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT.