- Welcome to Bless Your Rank.
My name is Matt, and today we are ranking
whatever I can find in my pantry because
we're in the middle of a global pandemic
and I can't leave my house so I didn't have a choice.
This is what we have to do.
It's gonna be wild.
Surviving whatever's in my pantry
has been the modus operandi,
that's Latin for the way we do things,
for the last few days.
And by few days I mean maybe 30 something days.
I've lost track of all time here.
I have no idea.
Have I gone out of my house to get food?
Occasionally.
I've tried to support some local establishments,
go out and get some food.
But mostly I've been eating here.
My wife's been cooking a lot.
And it's been delicious.
I think she can hear me right now.
It's all been really good.
I don't think that she believes me when I tell her that.
It's not all been good.
It's like 90% good.
10% she's been experimenting and I don't care for it at all.
If you're watching this
send barbecue.
Yeah, it's been great.
The whole thing's just been great.
I just love it.
Criteria for today's very weird
quarantine edition of Bless Your Rank.
Number one,
taste, but let's just be real here,
I'm not gonna care as much as I normally do.
I don't.
I quit caring weeks ago.
Now it's just about probably the number two criteria,
which is filling.
Is this kind of an empty snack.
You know, early on I was eating a lot of popcorn.
Popcorn's not that filling.
You can eat, I've eaten 10 bags of popcorns in one sitting.
I legally changed my name to Orville Redenbacher.
And number three, I guess, sustainability.
How long will this last in the shelf.
That's a great thing,
'cause when you go to the store you don't want anything
that's gonna go bad next week
'cause I don't wanna go back to the store.
I don't like it.
Have y'all been in Wal-Mart lately?
Who'da thought sustainability would
ever be a criteria on Bless Your Rank?
Not this guy.
Of course, who would have ever thought
he wouldn't leave his house for 30 days?
This guy right here didn't either.
Ahhh, how are y'all doing?
Y'all holding up okay?
I'm not.
(chuckling)
Oh man.
(hands clapping)
All right, let's do this thing.
Competitor number one is in my pantry.
I'm not joking.
I'm just gonna grab something out of the pantry.
(laughing)
(sighing)
All right, let's go.
Competitor number one.
Peanut butter.
Natural Jif peanut butter,
which I'll tell you a little story behind this.
I got this at the grocery store two weeks ago.
I was so excited because peanut butter
was gettin' pretty scarce, scarce, scarce, scarce.
I forgot how words work.
I need to talk to more people.
And then I look and they had just been restocked.
There was a whole shelf full of giant peanut butter,
which we get this Natural Jif peanut butter,
and I got the whole thing of it,
and I came home, put it up in the pantry,
and then a couple days later
I went to go make myself a PB and J,
and that's when I noticed it,
right here on the label.
Crunchy.
This is a smooth household, not a crunchy.
And I was sad and I cried.
Then I decided, you know what, just man up.
You're not going back out to the store.
It ain't worth it.
And I made a sandwich with it.
And I'm here to tell y'all,
it was pretty good.
Maybe I'm a fan of the crunchy PB now.
All right, we're just gonna,
we're gonna use some Ritz crackers.
Which honestly, if we were just ranking these by themselves,
this is some top tier snack right here.
Just straight up Ritz crackers.
This was a go-to snack for me after school as a kid.
But I would just get a jar of peanut butter.
That would be my eighth meal of the day.
This is the problem with peanut butter
is it gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.
It's pretty good.
That's a good little quarantine snack.
Let's talk about, taste, fantastic.
Fillingness, I would say very.
Peanut butter is, to me, very filling.
Especially when you get crunchy by accident.
Shelf life?
Oh, February 28, 2021.
Oh, if we're still in quarantine then,
help.
All right, Natural Jif crunchy peanut butter,
you are in first place.
Ahhh.
Good job, you did it.
I'm talking to peanut butter jars now.
Yeah.
Competitor number two.
Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in a cup.
And they are Paw Patrol shapes.
Yeah.
We give these to my daughter sometimes,
and I've never eaten one before.
She seems to just love 'em.
Likes to just smear it on her face like war paint.
I've never seen anything look less appetizing
than this Mac and Cheese,
especially after she gets done with it.
So I'm gonna test it out today.
I like mac and cheese.
And I'll eat it out of a box,
like the Kraft Mac and Cheese in a big box,
not whatever this is.
A packet.
A white mysterious package
with a secret code on it that only the Paw Patrol can read.
These are not good.
These are last place.
Microwave uncovered on high three and a half minutes.
That's a long time.
Now we just wait.
This says shapes.
There you go.
The water is like slowly disappearing.
This is a bottomless cheese packet.
Also very generous to call this cheese.
Is it done?
How do I know if I'm done stirring?
There's no, it's just becoming one giant blob.
(exhaling)
All right, that's not terrible.
Several months ago I would have said this is garbage.
This tastes like just pure, straight up cardboard garbage.
But week seven of quarantine, this is a culinary delight.
Taste, strangely good, unnaturally good,
disturbingly good.
I can't imagine why this would go bad.
There's nothing natural about it.
Although it does say it goes bad May 30, 2020.
That's soon, why?
What goes bad in here.
Wow, I hate myself right now.
But I'm gonna say this is number one right now,
and I don't know why.
I'm losing my mind.
Congratulations macaroni and cheese in a bowl.
(laughing)
You're winning.
Competitor number three, a giant can of baked beans.
Ha ha ha, I've lost my mind.
Why, why such a big can, Matt?
'Cause I can.
And there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Matt, how much have you been
talking to yourself during quarantine?
Also Matt, a lot.
Like most of it.
I'm gonna try to use a can opener.
My wife says I have to use this electronic one.
Do we have an old fashion one somewhere.
Got it, nailed it, got it.
It's just going to town right now.
I got it, I nailed it, got it.
First try.
Oh no I'm getting bean juice everywhere.
Oh, just diggin' a spoonful of baked beans out.
Can you eat baked beans just straight out of the can?
I mean, I guess if you were desperate.
Bon appetit.
Not as bad as I thought it would be.
I mean, are they,
are they even colder than room temperature?
Yeah.
Why is that?
No idea.
It becomes less and less good with every bite.
It's really startin' to get to me.
Criteria for the baked beans.
Not great.
As it is out of the can, wouldn't recommend it.
If you can eat this entire can of baked beans,
bud you got other problems than sustainability.
I hope your toilet's got pretty good sustainability.
And number three, shelf life,
the top of the can says it's gonna go bad June 2020.
For reference, it's the end of April right now.
How do I rank this?
Very low.
Two out of 10 stars, would not recommend.
I put this in third place.
And I need to be very careful
'cause it's just pure liquid at the top,
from the juice, the bean juice.
A distant third behind peanut butter.
All right, competitor number four.
I got, I feel like I got bean juice all over my beard.
Is a packet of baby food.
(laughing)
Would this qualify as baby food?
Baby food comes in pouches now.
Did y'all know that?
I mean, I think you can still get it in tiny glass jars,
but now it's all about the pouches.
This is a breakfast blend yogurt, banana, and strawberry.
And you don't have to refrigerate it.
It's yogurt that you keep in your pantry all year long,
'cause that's safe.
Here we go.
Hoho, this is pretty good.
Baby's been holdin' out on us.
I guess I could put it on a spoon so y'all could see it.
Don't rank a lot of pouch foods, on principle.
Not a fan of pouch foods.
Not a fan of kangaroos.
Don't trust 'em.
Now y'all can see what I've been eating,
and me too, 'cause I haven't seen it either.
Oh, when it goes on a spoon like that,
it looks much less appetizing.
That's not bad.
In what situation would you need to eat your child's food?
(laughing)
Our child has outgrown these so we just have like
two of these left in the pantry,
so I guess, if I wanna be a responsible citizen of Earth,
I shouldn't waste it, I should eat it.
Which I'm doing now, so you're welcome Earth.
Yeah, it's not terrible.
It's not something I would sit down on the couch
and,
what are you snackin' on for the big game, Matt?
Well, I got a couple of brewskies
and some Beechnut baby pouches.
Also, there's no more games anymore.
So I can tell you that this is much better
than a giant can of cold baked beans.
I can say that for sure.
I don't think it's better than
peanut butter and Ritz crackers.
All right, Beechnut breakfast
yogurt, banana, strawberry baby food blend,
you're in third place, congratulations.
This is weird.
Just to look at this is,
this is unusual.
Competitor number five, leftover Easter candy.
In this case, today, Cadbury Creme Eggs,
creme eggs.
It's fancy cause the e,
it's got two e's in it.
Mmmmm, these are good.
These are my favorite Easter candy.
Y'all get to witness me eat one of my last ones of the year.
Cherish this moment.
This is a special time for all of us.
In about late January the Easter candy
starts to pop up in a store,
and I'm looking around corners, I'm looking for it,
I'm huntin' them eggs, and then there they are.
Look at these things.
This is beautiful.
Among us, the Cadbury Creme Eggs fans,
years ago noticed that Cadbury made their eggs smaller,
and there was a riot in the streets.
I was participating.
We're on to you Cadbury,
we know you're trying to shrink the eggs
to save some money for yourselves.
What are you doing with the money?
You've been using the same commercial for Easter
every year for 20 years now,
so you're not spending it on advertising.
I know that.
It's so good.
We got a little fondant inside.
I wish I could take a whole bunch of 'em
and make an omelet out of 'em,
like a Cadbury omelet.
Just take normal recipes
that you would normally use eggs for,
replace those eggs with Cadbury Creme Eggs
and see what happens.
Probably diabetes.
How are they?
Delicious.
They taste like the Easter
that we should have had this year but didn't.
Filling, not at all.
It makes you hungrier.
Sustainability?
I don't think they go bad.
I don't think they anticipate
you leaving them on the shelf for long.
And I guess availability to you,
slim, slim to none right now.
If you're watching this right now when this video comes out,
you ain't gonna be able to get
your hands on these Cadbury Creme Eggs.
What do they rank?
They're not better than peanut butter,
but they are better than baby food.
So, I would say that they are number three right now.
Wait, what if I dipped
the Cadbury Creme Egg in peanut butter?
Let's save that for week nine of quarantine?
You gotta give yourself things
to look forward to in these moments.
Ya got to.
Competitor number six,
six, competitor number six, Little Deborah.
Here she is and her Swiss Cake Rolls.
This is my last Little Debbie.
(whimpering)
I just bought this box.
I just...
I'm just gonna say there's another person living in my house
and I think they may have eaten more of these than I did.
I love these things.
These are...
Do I have a favorite Little Debbie cake?
No, that's like asking me to choose a favorite child.
Of which I only have one.
So actually it's pretty easy to do.
Also, another thing to point out,
if you're the type of person who eats your Swiss Cake Roll
from the outside, like you slowly unroll it with your teeth
you are a terrible creature.
Stop doing that.
Eat this like a normal human being,
which is like this.
That is so good.
I feel like they put more cream in these than they used to.
That is snack cake perfection.
There is literally nothing better right now.
Little Debbie if you wanna go out and say
that the Swiss Cake Roll is the official cake of quarantine,
I'll allow it.
You have my blessing.
Also, you don't make these anywhere near Switzerland.
You're in Tennessee.
So let's change the name of these to Smoky Rolls
and put the Smoky Mountains in the background.
Yeah?
We can have Dollywood right back here on this mountain.
Then over here is a moonshine tasting place.
And over here's go-cart track.
So happy that I'm eating one.
Also so sad that I'm now out.
And I must now spend the rest
of my quarantine without Smoky rolls.
Yeah, I'm already starting it right now.
There's nothing you can do to stop me Little Debbie.
There's nothing you can.
Put Dolly Parton on the box.
Swiss Cake Rolls.
Well, I'm ready to leave my house.
(laughing)
What have we learned today boys and girls?
When you get hungry enough,
everything in your pantry looks delicious.
Even the baby food.
Even the big old can of cold baked beans
and the disgusting mac and cheese
ranks way higher than it should have.
Why is that number two?
I blacked out.
Did I put that there?
I don't remember doing that.
Oh no.
Yeah, so stay safe.
Do your own Bless Your Rank at home
with whatever you can find in your pantry.
You got plenty of time.
Just please stay at home.
If you have to go out, where a mask.
Oh, and God bless all of the nurses, doctors,
law enforcement, grocery store workers, truck drivers,
all of y'all frontline workers for doin' what you're doin'
and we're making suer we're doin' what we're doin'
by stayin' home and eatin' cold baked beans.
Hey, thank y'all for watching.
I hope you enjoy this episode of Bless Your Rank.
It was a weird one.
I promise you the other ones aren't.
You can watch 'em somewhere around my face, I think.
Hey, and if you like this,
you're gonna like all of our other videos.
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You won't regret it.
Don't hold me to that.
But you shouldn't regret it, maybe.