EVERYTHING. GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO.
( APPLAUSE )
VERY NICE. LOUIS, TONIGHT--
>> Louis: TONIGHT! >> Stephen: TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT
SOME FANTASTIC GUESTS COMING UP HERE IN JUST A MINUTE.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT THE ONE,
THE ONLY, SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST
A MOMENT. SHE'S GOT A HEAD OF STEAM.
THAT WOMAN'S GOT A HEAD OF STEAM.
AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR HER TO BLOW IT.
WE ALSO HAVE COMING UP, FORMER SECRETARY OF ENERGY, ERNEST
MONIZ. WHY HAVING ERNEST MONIZ ON?
YOU KNOW HOW THEY'RE LIKE, "PUTIN MIGHT USE TACTICAL
NUCLEAR WEAPONS. BUT DON'T WORRY.
IT'S JUST TACTICAL." I'M GOING TO HAVE HIM ON AND ASK
WHAT THAT MEANS. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN "TACTICAL
NUKE?" IS THAT BAD?
I'M GOING TO BET THE ANSWER IS YOU BETCHA.
FOLKS, THE MIDTERMS ARE NEXT TUESDAY, AS I TOLD YOU
IN THE MONOLOGUE. AND I HOPE I DIDN'T HAVE TO
TELL YOU THEY WERE NEXT TUESDAY. PLEASE GO VOTE.
AND HERE'S THE THING--
IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS, SOME OF OUR FELLOW CITIZENS IN
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY HAVE GONE A LITTLE FUNNY IN THE HEAD.
Y'KNOW, CAMO, FACEMASK, BODY ARMOR, AUTOMATIC WEAPONS,
ZIP TIES, HANGING AROUND BALLOT DROP BOXES.
YOU KNOW, SO. NOT SO MUCH "HA-HA" FUNNY AS
HA-HA FUNNY. I WOULD SAY THE SOURCE OF THE
FUNNY IS ALL THE LIES ABOUT THE 2020 ELECTION THAT HAVE BEEN
SPREAD BY THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW BETTER.
SO NOW, SOME OF THOSE ELECTION DENIERS ARE RUNNING FOR THE JOB
OF OVERSEEING AND CERTIFYING THEIR STATE'S ELECTORAL PROCESS:
THE SECRETARIES OF STATE. THIS YEAR, 12 "REPUBLICANS WHO
HAVE PUBLICLY QUESTIONED OR DISPUTED THE RESULTS OF THE
2020 ELECTION ARE RUNNING FOR SECRETARY OF STATE ACROSS THE
COUNTRY AND "IF ELECTED, THEY COULD TRY TO SWAY ELECTION
RESULTS IN 2024 AND BEYOND." ( BOOING )
MEANING THE ELECTION DENIERS MIGHT BE RUNNING THE NEXT
ELECTION! THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.
IT'S LIKE SAYING, "WE NEED A BABYSITTER.
HOW ABOUT CASSANDRA, THE DARK DENIER OF CHILDREN?
I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT SHE REALLY WANTS THE JOB.
OR DON'T YOU ENJOY DATE NIGHT?"
CANDIDATES IS IN ARIZONA, WHERE THE G.O.P. NOMINEE FOR SECRETARY
OF STATE, WHO'S BEEN LEADING IN THE POLLS, IS STATE
REPRESENTATIVE WHOSE 11 SECRET HERBS AND SPICES ARE ALL
IVERMECTIN, MARK FINCHEM. NOW REMEMBER, IN 2020,
ARIZONA WAS ON THE EDGE OF BEING STOLEN BY MAGA MANIACS PUSHING
THE BIG LIE, AND THE ONLY THING STANDING IN THE WAY WAS THE
SECRETARY OF STATE, WHO STUCK TO THE RULES.
NOW THAT JOB COULD BE TAKEN OVER BY A GUY WHO IS "CREDITED WITH
STARTING THE STOP-THE-STEAL CAMPAIGN IN ARIZONA," AND "WAS
PART OF THE MOB THAT RIOTED OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL ON
JANUARY 6th." YOU DON'T GET TO ATTACK
DEMOCRACY AND THEN ASK TO RUN IT.
THAT'S LIKE A BANK ROBBER GOING, "PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!
AND ALSO A JOB APPLICATION! I CAN START MONDAY.
I WOULD SAY MY GREATEST WEAKNESS IS THAT I AM ROBBING THIS BANK."
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS ANCHOR FROM THE FUTURE TELLING US ABOUT LIFE BEFORE THE
EVENT, JIM MARCHANT. MARCHANT "FALSELY CLAIMS THE
FORMER PRESIDENT DEFEATED JOE BIDEN IN NEVADA AND HAS SAID
HE WOULDN'T HAVE CERTIFIED THE RESULTS THERE IN 2020" AND HAS
PUSHED THE "FALSE CLAIM THAT PELOSI, SCHUMER, AND SCHIFF
WEREN'T LEGITIMATELY ELECTED." OH, SO HE'S JUST DENYING EVERY
ELECTION! "SCHUMER LOST!
SCHIFF CHEATED! JUSTIN GUARINI BEAT KELLY
CLARKSON! I WON THE J.D. POWER AND
ASSOCIATES INITIAL CUSTOMER SATISFACTION FOR MIDSIZE
FAMILY VAN.
IS MICHIGAN'S G.O.P. NOMINEE AND WOMAN WHO CAN'T WAIT FOR HER
PARENTS TO MEET HER NEW BOY-FLAG, KRISTINA KARAMO.
KARAMO LOOKED AT ALL THOSE OTHER DANGEROUS CRANKS AND SAID, "HOLD
MY CHALICE OF ADRENOCHROME," BECAUSE "SHE SAID THAT THE
FORMER PRESIDENT, NOT BIDEN, IS THE REAL WINNER OF MICHIGAN AND
THE ELECTION," AND THINKS "DEMONIC POSSESSION IS REAL" AND
ALSO SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED. >> HAVING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE DEMONICALLY POSSESSED OR OPPRESSED, I
STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT A PERSON OPENS THEMSELVES UP TO
POSSESSION. >> Stephen: THAT IS AN AWKWARD
PHONE CALL: "HEY, BETH, IT'S RICK.
LOOK, THIS IS EMBARRASSING, BUT I JUST FOUND OUT I'M DEMONICALLY
POSSESSED, SO YOU MIGHT WANNA HIT THE CLINIC AND SEE IF YOU
TEST POSITIVE FOR ASMODEUS. KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MODERATE TO
SEVERE GOAT HOOF, OKAY? I'M SORRY."
( APPLAUSE )
VOTE COUNT IS, NEXT TIME, WE'RE DECLARING REPUBLICANS WON THE
NEXT ELECTION, NO MATTER WHAT." AND I BELIEVE THEM.
BUT DON'T TAKE IT FROM ME. AS KARAMO HERSELF PUT IT AT A
RECENT RALLY: >> HISTORY IS TLLING US,
HISTORY IS SCREAMING TO US THAT IF WE DON'T STEP UP AND FIGHT
NOW, WE WILL LOSE THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN HUMAN HISTORY.
>> Stephen: I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT WE SHOULD REALLY
LISTEN TO THE LADY WHO BELIEVES IN PENIS DEMONS.
GO VOTE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK