FIRST THINGS FIRST, HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, EVERYONE.
YEAH?
I PURPOSEFULLY, I PURPOSEFULLY DIDN'T WEAR GREEN BECAUSE I
WANTED JOEL TO PINCH ME.
(LAUGHTER) NOW LET'S BE HONEST OUR VIEWERS
DON'T COME HERE TO TALK ABOUT SAINTS NOR PATRICKS, THEY COME
HERE FOR HARD HITTING HEADLINES LET'S JUMP INTO THE NEWS.
ACCORDING TO A NEW NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE REPORT VLADIMIR
PUTIN PERSONALLY APPROVED OPERATIONS TO DAMAGE JOE BIDEN'S
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IN AN EFFORT TO HELP DONALD TRUMP,
YEAH.
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?
TO THINK I WAS THIS CLOSE TO LETS PUTIN HOUSE SIT FOR ME.
THIS DOESN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF LIFE OUTSIDE OF JUST MESSING
WITH AMERICAN ELECTIONS.
HE IS REALLY INTO IT, IS THERE NOT ONE PERSON IN RUSSIA THAT
COULD JUST TEACH HIM HOW TO PLAY THE SAXOPHONE?
JUST DIVERT HIM A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, IMPOSSIBLE TO DISLIKE
ANYONE WHO PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE.
I REALLY BELIEVE THAT.
I DO.
HAVE YOU EVER MET A SAXOPHONE PLAYER YOU DIDN'T LIKE?
KENNY G COULD WALK UP, PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, AND JUST AS ARE YOU
ABOUT TO GET HIM BACK HE GOES-- .
♪ AND YOU ARE LIKE, AH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
YOU PLAY, DON'T YOU, STEVE.
>> YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.
>> James: YEAH, WELL, THAT CHANGES.
>> YEAH, I KNOW.
>> James: THIS MORNING PRESIDENT BIDEN RESPONDED TO THE
REPORT IN AN INTERVIEW SAYING VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL PAY FOR HIS
INTERFERENCE.
HAVE A LOOK.
>> WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY.
>> HE WILL PAY A PRICE.
WE HAD A LONG TALK, HE AND I.
I KNOW HIM RELATIVELY WELL.
>> SO WHAT PRICE MUST HE PAY.
>> THE PRICE HE IS GOING TO PAY, YOU WILL SEE SHORLTLY.
>> James: I THINK IT'S A TIME OUT.
OR THE NAUGHTY STEP, WILL MAKE HIM SIT ON THE NAUGHTY STEPS.
HE WILL PAY A PRICE.
TRADITIONALLY THAT MEANS THE BIDEN FIRES UNDER THE CORVETTE,
TEARS UP YOUR FRONT LAWN DOING DONUTS SO WATCH OUT.
I THINK IT IS PRETTY CLEAR WHEN YOU WATCH THAT THAT BIDEN DOES
NOT HAVE AN ANSWER YET AND HE IS JUST STALLING.
HE IS LIKE OH, THERE IS A PRICE ALL RIGHT.
AND HE'S GOING TO PAY IT.
YEAH, AND THAT PRICE, IS WHAT HE IS GOING TO I PA.
YOU WATCH.
YOU-- OH, YOU MARK MY WORDS, HE WILL PAY A PRICE.
YEAH, HE IS ABSOLUTELY SOMETHING I WILL DO.
IN THAT SAME INTERVIEW BIDEN ALSO SAID THAT PUTIN IS A KILLER
AND HE ONCE TOLD PUTIN THAT HE HAS NO SOUL.
>> I WASN'T BEING A WISE GUY, I WAS ALONE WITH HIM IN 4EUS
OFFICE.
I SAID I LOOKED IN YOUR HIGHS I SAID I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A
SOUL.
HE LOOKED BACK AT ME AND SAID I UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.
>> James: SO BASICALLY EVERY MEETING WITH PUTIN IS LIKE A
SCENE FROM A JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME MOVIE.
>> WOODEN LOOKED HIM IN THE EYES AND SAID I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE
A SOUL.
AND HE SAID SIR, THAT IS A PAINTING.
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: I ALREADY KNEW PUTIN DIDN'T HAVE A SOUL.
NOBODY WHO LIVES THEIR LIFELIKE AN INSTAGRAM INFLUENCER DOES.
LOOK AT THAT.
IN LOCAL POLITICAL NEWS EARLIER TODAY OPPONENTS OF CALIFORNIA
GOVERNOR GAVIN NEW SOME SUBMITTED THE FINAL BATCH OF
SIGNATURES NEEDED TO FORCE NEWSOM'S RECALL.
THIS WILL BE ONLY THE SECOND TIME A CAMPAIGN TO RECALL A
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR HAS MADE THE BALLOT.
PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES WERE LIKE A RECALL.
OH MY GOD, IS IT KALE.
WHEN SHE HEARD THIS NEWSOM EX-WIFE KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE
DECLARED, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
>> James: NOW DOES THAT JOKE WORK?
NO, IT IS IT A JUMPING OFF POINT TO TALK ABOUT HOW THOSE TWO WERE
ACTUALLY ONCE MARRIED?
YOU BET IT IS.
(LAUGHTER) THAT SAY REAL PHOTO.
WE HAVE A PHOTO, ROLL THAT UP AGAIN.
THEY DID A PHOTO, HAMPER'S BA ZAR.
YOU CAN IMAGINE THOSE TWO MARRIED?
>> YOU THE AMOUNT OF HAIR PRODUCT WOULD BE SUFFICIENT
KATEING.
>> James: YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, PART OF THE SCREAMING,
SHOUTING, ONE PERSON IS SHOUTING WHILE THE OTHER ISK LOOKING IN
THE MIRROR, THINKING DAMNK I'M HOT.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOM WOULD SAY ABOUT GAVIN NEWSOM, IF SHE SAW
HIM SHE I WOULD SA HE IS CHOCK LAT-- I MEAN ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
THAT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF MARGARET CORDEN'S TOP FIVE LOCKER OF
THINGS TO SAY ABOUT PEOPLE.
AND ON THAT ONE SHE WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WOULDN'T SHE?
IF HE WAS CHOCOLATE HE WOULD EAT HIMSELF.
BUT THEN I STARTED THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT IF I WAS CHOCOLATE.
I CAN'T SEE MY LASTING LONG.
IF I WAS INVOLVED IN A TERRIBLE, LET'S SAY I WAS INVOLVED IN A
TERRIBLE FISHING ACCIDENT AND A TRAGICALLY LOST AN ARM AND WHEN
I COME AROUND, YOU KNOW, YOU ARE ALL THERE AND YOU GO JAMES,
YOU'VE LOST AN ARM BUT THEY REPLACED IT WITH A CHOCOLATE
ARM.
I DON'T THINK THAT ARM IS LASTING LONG, RIGHT?
LIKE I THINK IF IT'S A CHOCOLATE ARM AND CAN I USE IT AND IT IS
COMPLETELY FINE, CAN I PICK UP STUFF, CAN I WRITE EMAILS AND
THEN I'M BOARD AND I'M LIKE-- DO I NEED A THUMB?
DO I NEED A THUMB, AND THEN BANG, THAT IS IT, THEN THE
BRAKES ARE OFF.
>> IF I HAD A CHOCOLATE ARM I WOULD EAT IT SO FAST THEY WOULD
HAVE TO MAKE ME A CHOCOLATE FOOT FROM THE DIABETES I GOT FROM IT
IN OTHER NEWS HEY WILLIE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU BEEN BUYING SOME BITCOIN.
>> NO, I WAS TRYING TO FINISH MY BROWNIE.
SO-- YEAH.
>> James: YOU WERE TRYING TO FINISH YOUR BROWNIE.
>> YEAH.
>> James: AND YOU THOUGHT THIS BROWNIE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN
THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE SHOW.
>> BY A LITTLE BIT, JUST A LITTLE BIT.
>> James: JUST A LITTLE BIT.
ME AND WINNIE HAVE STARTED A NEW BUSINESS TODAY, YEAH?
OKAY, THERE WE GO.
SORRY GUYS.
IT'S-- TIME CAN WE JUST OPEN THE CANS BEFORE A SHOW AND PUT
STRAWS IN THEM?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD IT TO THE MICROPHONEK ME AND WINNIE HAVE
STARTED A BRAND NEW BUSINESS AND IT IS GOING TO SHAKE UP THE
WORLD.
ST OUR EXIT, OUR WAY OUT, WINNIE, DO YOU WANT TO SHARE
WHAT WE ARE DOING.
>> IT IS-- THAT DON'T GET STUCK, YOU CAN SWIPE IT WITH YOUR
TONGUE AND IT'S GONE.
>> James: WE'RE GOING TO CREATE, CHIA SEEDS THAT WILL NOT
GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.
AND WE'VE GOT OUR BEST MINDS WORKING ON THIS, GUYS.
ARE YOU IN FOR THIS, ROB, 50K, WE NEED 50K FOR EVERYONE WHO
WANTS IN, AND BELIEVE ME YOU'LL GET YOUR MONEY BACK AND THEN
SOME.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU TWO AND THE SCIENCE BEHIND IT.
I LIKE YOU FOR A LOT OF OTHER REASONS BUT YOU TWO IN A LAB
TRYING TO DISCOVER A BETTER WAY TO MAKE A CHIA SEED.
>> James: WE'RE NOT IN THE LAB, WE'RE NOT IN THE LAB.
STEVE JOBS WASN'T IN THERE PHYSICALLY MAKING YOUR PHONE.
HE WALKED INTO A ROOM AND SAID YOU GUYSK FIGURE IT OUT, AND
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO.
>> YOU ARE THE BIG IDEA PEOPLE.
>> James: YEAH, WE ARE THE IDEAS FACTORY, WE ARE THE
BRAINS, WE ARE THE LIGHT BULL BE, WE ARE THE SWITCH, YOU MAKE
THE BULL BE.
YEAH?
NESS WITH OKAY, I'M IN FOR $500.
>> James: 500, OKAY, IT'S A START.
>> Reggie: 250.
>> James: THAT IS SLIGHTLY MORE THAN I THOUGHT WE WOULD
GET.
WIN YEA, YOU HAVE ACCESS TO ROB'S CARD, RIGHT, YOU GET HIS
LUNCH, SO NEXT TIME THERE SAY KITCHEN RUN SWIPE THAT UP FOR
ANOTHER $500.
THEN I THINK WE CALL IT A DAY, CUT OUR LOSSES AND SAY YOU KNOW
WHAT, ROB, WE DIDN'T HAVE THE SCIENCE, I'M-- SORRY BUT WE
REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR BACKING.
IN OTHER NEWS, CONSERVATIVE LAWMAKERS IN UTAH HAVE PROPOSED
A BILL THAT WOULD AUTOMATICALLY BLOCK PORNOGRAPHY ON EVERY PHONE
AND TABLET SOLD IN THE STATE.
SO CONGRATULATIONS ON BREAKING EVERY SINGLE SALES RECORD,
CLOSEST VERIZON STORE IN COLORADO.
I DON'T SEE HOW THIS CAN WORK.
THIS IS JUST GOING TO RESULT IN MORE CREATIVE GOOGLE SEARCHES,
ISN'T IT?
BUT I'M SURPRISED THIS IS COMING FROM UTAH BECAUSE THE SENATOR IN
UTAH IS MITT ROMNEY.
WHICH IS WITHOUT QUESTION THE BEST PORN NAME IN CONGRESS.
>> MITT ROMNEY, HERE SO FIX YOUR DRYER.
WHAT OTHER POLITICIANS HAVE GOT GOOD PORN NAMES, DO YOU EVER DO
THAT THING HEAR WHERE YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR PORN NAME IS.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> James: YOUR FIRST PET AND YOUR MOTHER'S MADEEN NAME, IS
THAT HOW YOU DO IT.
>> YEAH.
>> James: THAT WOULD MAKE ME DENSA COLIN, ABSOLUTELY BE A SEN
SAINGS-- SCEN SAYINGAL PORN NAME.
SUSAN WHAT IS YOUR PORN NAME.
>> HERE IN AMERICA IT IS YOUR PET'S NAME AND THE STREET YOU
LIVED ON, RIGHT.
>> SO PENNY KINGSTON.
>> James: PENNY KINGSTON IS AN-- PENNY KINGSTON, BAT FISHING
ACCIDENT.
PENNY KINGSTON, SO YOU SEE WHAT IS YOUR PORN NAME.
>> SUPER DOG-- .
>> James: I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR ACTUAL PORN NAME SEUCHER
DOG ASH CAKE.
>> James: TIM BHARK IS YOURS.
>> BONKERS ED YEAR-- BONKERS EDDIE.
>> James: BONKERS EDDIE, YOU WOULD BE LIKE THE FUNNY GUY.
LAKE TWO PLUMBERS AND THEN YOU, AND BONKERS EDDIE, WHOA.
WELL, I GUESS I'M JOINING IN.
>> BONKERS EDDIE IS THE GUY WHO EATS THE PIDZA ANYWAY.
>> James: AND FINALLY DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS, IN AN EFFORT
TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS, NEW STATE GUIDE
LINES ARE ASKING PEOPLE TO AVOID SCREAMING ON CALIFORNIA THEME
PARK RIDES.
ALTHOUGH IT IS GOING TO BE TOUGH NOT TO SCREAM WHEN YOU FIND OUT
HOW MUCH THEY ARE CHARGING YOU FOR A BOTTLE OF WATER.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU AT HOME, THAT IS WHY THAT LAST LAUGH WAS
SO MUTED.
IT WAS HILARIOUS, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO LAUGH TOO MUCH OUT
OF AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION.
THEME PARKS DON'T WANT YOU SCREAMING ANY MORE WHICH
EXPLAINS WHY THESE NEW SIGNS HAVE POPPED UP NEXT TO ALL THE
RIDES.