- How to talk to short people.
Wrong, correct.
I do something in the middle of this
that if you see any of my curbside consult videos,
I'm just like this,
and it's almost like text neck
but instead of text neck,
it's talk to shore people with respect neck.
That's my new name for it.
Knuckle sandwich. (chuckles)
Actually, do cats have knuckles?
No, they have paws.
That's actually a fur paw sandwich.
(crickets chirping)
That wasn't funny.
(everyone laughing)
Pharma commercial, here's what this drug can help.
Last 15 seconds of the pharma commercial,
I'll kill you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Pharma, pharma.
(person stuttering indistinctly)
Maybe say, when you go see your doctor,
talk about the side effects.
But rapidly saying them at a point at a rate
where no one can understand,
it's not really helpful.
Unfortunately, we had to amputate three fingers
on your right hand.
Oh no, will I still be able to write with it?
Possibly, but I wouldn't count on it.
Oh, count on the hand.
Yeah, touche.
Get it?
'Cause there's only two fingers left.
New corkscrew whirlycoaster IUD gets sperm cell too dizzy
to find uterus.
Oh that's funny.
So normally for IUDs,
this is intrauterine device,
we put them in.
You could have a copper one,
you could have a hormone one.
This one is the rollercoaster one that confuses sperm.
Getting your flu shot in long sleeves.
Oh, that's me.
I did that for one of my, "Day in the Life," videos.
I'm tracking my calories so that at the end of the day,
I know precisely how disappointed to be in myself.
Yo, everyone that has all these fitness gadgets,
that's what they do to themselves.
They create more health anxiety than benefit.
And what's crazy is they could've had a great night's sleep
and it says they had a bad night's sleep,
it actually makes them feel
like they had a bad night's sleep.
Garbage!
Have you tried licking it for hours? (laughs)
Oh god, this comic relief is just so bueno.
WTF honey. (chuckles)
Didn't the Spartans get a horse like that?
Is one of these horses Trojan
and the other one's Spartan?
If one of them is Trojan,
shouldn't they be having safe sex? (clicks fingers)
Never yell into one of these,
you'll strain your voice.
(laughs) Okay, that's good.
Okay, we needed some humor
'cause I destroyed it on that last meme.
And if you just yell enough,
you'll strain your voice.
And if you yell often enough,
you can create a polyp on your vocal cords
which will really strain your voice.
Vegetarian shrimp.
Oh yeah, it kind of does look like it!
Is that a mandarin, a tangerine or a Cutie?
This is a meth.
A meth and feta meme.
Oh, (claps) that's good!
I don't even know if that's feta.
And I don't even know if that's meth.
But if it is true meth and feta
with a tomato on the side, it's delicious.
Well, the feta not the meth. (chuckles)
And by the way,
some people say that Adderall is meth.
It's actually not meth.
It has a derivative called, dextroamphetamine,
which is slightly different but similar compounds.
Anatomy of bears.
Ears, B. (laughs)
Okay, we need to evaluate.
Come here, you need to help me fact check this meme.
You're really messy today.
Okay, ears and B.
Bear? (gasps)
How dare? Come on, gimme a hug.
Yeah okay, there we go.
Okay, ears and bear.
Ears and B.
Thanks, Bear.
Appreciate you, bud.
High-five.
Oh, he almost got it.
Ow! (chuckles)
(static sounding)
Me, "Heal my disease."
Brain, "No."
Me, "Takes pill with no effect."
Brain, "You son of a (beep), I'm in."
That's so funny because that's the placebo effect.
You know, there's actually something
called the, nocebo effect,
which is by taking something,
you create an effect as opposed to relieve a symptom.
But then in order to make a nocebo go away,
you can take a placebo.
(Dr. Mike mimics explosion) (brain exploding)
(static sounding)
What is that Pokemon,
they're like, "Grass power!"
And they're like, "Yeah, but I got flame power!"
And then they go, "Water power!"
And it kills it.
So it's like, "Nocebo effect!"
"Placebo effect!"
"FDA has no strength to act
"and tame the supplement industry."
I don't know how it got there.
When all patients eat apples every day.
It's not how it works.
Apples do not cure all illnesses.
They're in general, a healthy fruit
but they are high in sugar,
they are high in fiber.
Even if all my patients ate apples,
I will still have patients.
When your anti-vax mom installs antivirus on your tablet
but not on you.
Well, that's messed up.
Actually, this is a lie.
Even your anti-vax mom
has installed a level of antivirus on you
as we pass along our antibodies through breast milk,
through intra-utero circulation.
So thank your mama bears.
When health class tries to teach you chest compressions
but you watch Doctor Mike.
I am four parallel universes ahead of you.
Facts!
Stone, stwo.
(laughs) The simplicity with that stupidity
makes for an excellent pairing.
Like wine and cheese,
mac and cheese.
Why is everything with cheese?
I love cheese.
(laughs) What am I looking at?
Why do I have to see this?
I wanna unsee this.
I have your test results.
Did I pass? Haha.
You will soon.
(laughs) God this guy,
they made this poor person be the face of every meme.
If I ever run into him in the street
where he's a real doctor,
I feel like patients will just pass out out of fear.
What happens if I breathe?
Google, you die.
What?
Is that because you're out in New York City?
My feet after a 10 hour shift.
What am I looking at here?
- [Producer] These feet got abs.
And their feet got belly buttons.
- Yeah, what is that?
It looks like a person.
Dr. Mike watching me come into the ER with a 108 fever.
Hollup, let him cook.
Okay, 108 fever,
I'm treating that bad boy.
But if you're coming in 101,
you're a healthy adult,
nothing else is going on,
you have a little viral fever and you're feeling okay
and you're not like truly rundown
and you can rest still comfortably,
maybe let him cook.
Madagascar, Gladagascar, Sadagascar,
Notagascar, Madatgascar. (laughs)
Okay, that's pretty good.
Should I get an electric car as my next car?
Which one should I get?
I wanna get like a sporty electric car.
Them, breakups hurt the most.
Me, ever had this?
Looks like a canker sore.
And usually that happens
as a result of some kind of physical irritation.
Also, some people get this after being sick
when their immune system is a little bit weakened.
And there are some solutions
that you could put in your mouth
that you could swish and spit
that actually numb them up and help them heal.
Talk to your doctor if you are having them
and they're recurrent.
Online death certificate request.
The person listed on death certificate is,
honestly, not even gonna lie,
if you saw some of the forms we have to fill out
for government institutions,
it'd be like this.
And it's sad like this.
And it makes me worried for hackers because of this.
Head and shoulders.
Ew, it's just a weird one.
I don't wanna see that.
Plus, the head and shoulder's not gonna fit in there.
Maybe my little head,
but Dan's head certainly won't fit.
Workers in Europe, I will be taking the summer off
because I need a little suntan.
Workers in America,
I will be using one of my three paid vacation days
to undergo open heart surgery.
I laugh but it's so true.
Forget about the healthcare system thing for a minute.
I know it's a health channel but in America,
people don't like taking vacations.
They like to work.
And I will say,
I wish I had the European mindset of taking a vacation
and a little siesta here and there
'cause I feel like it's better for the mental health
and the soul.
Scientist, explaining the importance of good sleep.
Me at 3:00 AM watching him explain. (laughs)
The reason you're watching
is so that the 3:00 AM non-sleepiness gets treated
with your new lifestyle habits
that are gonna improve your sleep hygiene.
Isn't that weird that we call it sleep hygiene?
'Cause it has nothing to do with you cleaning yourself.
It's just about cleaning your habits.
At the age where it's considered rude
to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen
if you don't have enough for everyone. (laughs)
You know what?
That age I would say is 34.
And I'm about to be that.
It'd be like that.
I just bought a mafia board game set in Armenia,
and this is what the doctor card looks like.
What?
Dude, that's a picture from my hospital.
Kind of want that game.
Can someone send that to me?
Yeah, I take SSRIs,
selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.
Six or seven really ice cold beers.
Okay, I hope you're not taking six or seven
really ice cold beers while you're on an SSRI.
Also, I hope you're not doing six or seven
really ice cold beers
because you're depressed
and you're medicating with alcohol
instead of taking an anti-depressant.
See, I made it medical.
Narrow grip, no arched back,
and benching 485 raw.
Mrs. Fizzle is on the juice.
Yo fact.
Is she wearing one of those bench press shirts
that make it a little bit more stable to bench press?
And also, she has really long arms.
You know if you have longer arms,
it's harder to bench press than when you have shorter arms.
That's why as a taller individual,
I've always struggled on the bench
even though I got up to like 285 on my max.
I don't even recommend most people
to do one rep maxes.
Not really healthy
and can injure yourself
and ego gets in the way.
US hospital calculating your bills.
Honestly, it'd be like that.
And I don't know why.
Like I know why.
The system is trash.
I've seen bills of people going in
and getting like bandaged,
and get like a $500 bill for the bandage,
$50 bill for the Tylenol pill that they were served.
I mean at some point,
someone on that team,
when they're filling that price bill out,
they need to look at themselves in the mirror
for a long time,
and asked the question, "Is it okay what I'm doing?"
Because the answer is no, it's not.
Dr. Mike, starts talking about antibiotics and the sun.
Me, who's allergic to most antibiotics and sunscreen.
That's a problem
because there's legitimately some antibiotics listed here
that can weaken your ability to protect you from the sun,
makes it more likely that you get sunburn
and get sun damage.
And there are some sunscreens
that you're probably not allergic to.
So I would investigate with your allergist
and or primary care doctor.
Showering in the morning,
showering at night,
people with common sense.
What? (producer laughing)
I have never once.
Unless I was going on a date.
Or Bear like slobbered all over me.
And even that, I don't really care.
Shower at night.
Why would you shower at night?
You're gonna get clean,
you're gonna do your hair,
only to go into the bed?
What are you, sick?
Shower in the morning like a normal person.
I don't know why I'm so aggressive about that
'cause it totally doesn't matter.
Shower when your heart desires.
Actually showering at night might help some people
'cause it can help cool you down afterwards
which is actually what your body wants to do
in order to fall asleep faster.
So maybe doing the right thing.
Why does my stomach hurt so much?
Their breakfast.
Yeah, for real.
Everyone's like, "Oh my god,
"I think I have celiac disease,
"I think I have this,
"I have indigestion,
"I have that,
"why, I eat so healthy,
"I follow Goop diet to a tee."
And I'm like, "Well, what do you eat for breakfast?"
"Oh, just 48 ounces of blonde roast with four espressos,
"caramel macchiato, frosted cinnamon swirl,
"and a vanilla frizz in my latte."
Your stomach is confused
'cause you injected it with a caffeine sugar bomb
first thing in the morning.
The full circle of life.
Dinosaurs went to chickens,
chickens went to chicken breast,
chicken breast went to back to dinosaurs.
Oh, nuggets.
I've never had a dinosaur nugget.
Who serves dinosaur nuggets?
Do people just have the little presses to make them?
Or do they come pre-made and frozen?
I think the patient in room B is dying.
Does he have insurance?
No.
Yep, he's dying.
That's mean.
Why? Why?
That's really mean.
Dad's second car crash this week.
Oh my god, that's so,
it ends there. (producer laughing)
We're ending the meme review.
Here's some of the weirdest things people do on airplanes.
Click here to check that out.
As for the medical reasoning
as to why you shouldn't do some of these things.
As always, stay happy and healthy.
Right, newf?
Pats, pats, pats for the newf.
(upbeat music fades)