[MUSIC PLAYING]
MERO: Yeah, what's poppin?
Happy Monday, y'all.
Woo.
Yeah, thanks for coming out.
- Yes. - Y'all could be anywhere else.
Y'all could be in court.
Y'all could be-- shit.
We're here.
So thanks for coming out.
We're going to give y'all a good show today.
Woo, goddamn.
Because there's no reason for us to be sad.
Nothing happened this weekend.
Ah, you know, it's fine.
It's all right.
Somebody suck that baby's dick.
Sorry, I just had to say it one time.
I've been holding that in all weekend.
Yo, I hope you're not yelling that around your kids, like--
I'm not.
They're good.
I haven't, because Judy is in Florida.
And it's a family thing.
So if we don't do it with Judy, we don't do it.
Because Judy is the matriarch.
Yeah, I can't go apple picking.
Like, I've got no kids.
If you see me-- if I was like apple picking,
I'd be that creep. - Yeah, imagine him just like--
DESUS: Hey, kids. - Hey, kids.
You want to go face painting?
Hey, who wants a Granny Smith?
Yeah, ha, ha.
Hey, come sit next to me on the tractor ride.
Come in my van.
I have apple cider donuts.
Man, you smell like maple syrup.
Like it's not cool.
Is it? Is it fun?
It's not? JULIA: I don't know.
What do I do with apples?
Hey, you know what's mad fun, though?
Being mad American and mad wasteful
and just going in there and just like taking a bite out
of an apple while you're mad high and just like throwing
it in the air, like fuck it.
Also, would I be that creep--
MERO: I'm not taking this shit.
--if you came to my house, and I had mad apples?
Like, if I just was bringing apple sauce into the office
and apple brown betty--
Strudels and shit.
Like if I came in with four days' worth of apple snacks,
like--
MERO: I got you.
OK y'all want apples?
You want some fruit?
You want some fruit crumble? - All right.
I got your apple. JULIA: It's apple time.
You want some apple peach crumble?
It's apple time It's about to be quality
Leonard time in this bitch.
We're bringing apples.
Let's go, apple pie from scratch.
You know what I'm saying?
I've got yeast.
I get-- is that one of ingredients?
To be fair, we got to tell the audience.
This is an ad.
We're being sponsored by Big Apple.
Yes, Tim Apple, as a matter of fact.
It's ready. I'm ready.
It's Monday.
I'm fucking ready.
No, you know what?
I'm not ready yet. JULIA: Are you waiting for the--
Now I'm ready.
Yeah, hit us with that.
Lay it on me.
Hit us with that white goss, white goss,
white goss, white goss.
MERO: Let me hear it.
JULIA: Are you ready?
I saw that.
To who?
To an art dealer or something, right?
No.
Bradley Cooper?
What?
Cook Moran?
Cooke Maroney.
That sounds like some shit my mom got at Family Dollar
when it was just like, yo--
Yo.
Y'all eat Cooke Maroney for the rest of the week though.
They'd be like, yo, can y'all not afford Hamburger Helper?
Cookaroni, we make your meals aight.
It won't kill you right now.
Does he kind of look like a weird Derek Jeter?
He does.
DESUS: Yeah.
He's like Derek Jeter thinks he looks like that
when he looks in a mirror. - OK.
He's like--
Is her hair combed in this photo?
It's not.
JULIA: Ah, no.
She comes to it with her shower.
DESUS: But she got enough money. - She's just--
She can comb through her hair like that, right?
She was in. Uh--
I saw "Joy."
It was decent.
I did.
I had the screener.
I was high.
What do you want?
Fuck you want?
Hey, she was in, uh, uh, "Playbook."
MERO: And this shit.
The playbook, "Silver Linings Playbook"
and, uh, the "Hunger Games."
I-- I-- am a tribute.
And wasn't she in some--
That's what they said, right?
I am tributing.
I volunteer, whatever.
Yeah.
I don't even know if--
It's a Russian movie too, right?
Yeah, some guy on a plane was watching it next to me.
And it was like--
ALEX: "Red Sparrow."
"Red Sparrow," yeah.
That movie is a lot.
And a guy next to me on a plane was watching it.
I was like, yo, there's kid's here, sir.
No, it's not.
It's not sexy.
It is a lot lot.
Like a lot like--
think what I'm saying, Julia.
Like a lot sexually?
There's a lot.
At one point, there's a guy on top of her.
And then he gets his brains blown out.
And she gets covered with his blood.
And it's like very violent and graphic.
Um--
DESUS: Hey, I mean--
Guess who's watching "Red Sparrow" tonight?
Know what I'm saying?
And it's funny because Heather once watched it.
And she was like, oh, Jennifer Lawrence is in it.
I was like, you sure you want to watch that shit?
I was like, all right, we're going to sit and smoke some PCP
if we're watching this shit.
- More white goss. - Give me.
Give me. Give me.
What?
DESUS: I saw that.
She got six months, yo. DESUS: She got her dream.
They gave her the Tekashi sentence.
They were like, yo.
They were like, yo, just mention everybody.
You good.
13 days, and they gave her the zookeeper suit.
She's chilling.
I was like, yo, let me do a bid like that.
Damn.
It's crazy.
She probably got like a fucking arcade machine
and fucking her own cell and all that-- her "cell."
What prison?
She's not in Rikers, right?
JULIA: She's in--
I thought she was like with Bobby Shmurda
MERO: Rikers Island
Like yo, free the six.
Rikers Island, she's on fucking
Turks and Caicos Island.
Oh, on a jet ski?
Oh, so you got to hold your boo.
MERO: Like, hm, hm, how are you doing?
Everything good?
You've got to hold your boo down when they locked up
and shit.
Like every rapper has a song about that,
shout out to the William H. Macy, man.
MERO: You know what I'm saying?
He came through on a conjugal?
Yo, if you got them to do a conjugal visit on
a 13-day sentence, you a freak.
Like, you've got to relax.
He's like, I'm a sex addict.
Yo, I miss you, big daddy.
Like, yo, I've been here two days.
Yo.
She could just bounce.
She can literally-- she probably got like a little swipey card
that she just goes in and out.
Like she has to sign in and out of jail, come on, dog.
Fuck out of here.
She got a buzzer like, yo, you've got to come back.
Your cell is ready.
Fuck out of here.
Yay.
Should we have her on?
- Yeah, it'd be like-- - Let's do it.
Yo, what'd you learn in prison?
Yo, son, know what I mean?
What's up?
I'd be like, yo, make me a grilled cheese
sandwich on a bunk bed.
What's up?
The big homie Felicity came home, you know what I'm saying?
I'd be like, yo, Felicity's right here.
Give her a toothbrush.
I was like, yo, make it do what it do.
- You know what I mean? - Just scrub it on the floor.
It'd be like "Iron Chef."
Give her like a honey bun, some tuna fish.
You know what I'm saying?
Hell yeah.
Should we just like-- we should
do just a little post-prison interview for everybody.
Like you know how they have like "Talking Dead,"
we could just interview niggas that got out of jail.
Yeah.
Like, yo, so what'd you learn?
What'd you unlearn?
Yo, I learned--
Like, who are you going to stab for sending you to jail?
Is there anything to say to the judge?
I learned 40 of the 48 laws of power.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, uh, Paul Manafort, if he survives.
That'd be a good one.
Who else is locked up we could interview?
Thinking Max B, you know what I'm saying?
DESUS: Bernie Madoff.
Yeah, Madoff got stories.
He's not dead.
The streets are dead. - He got stories.
He got locked up.
Bernie Madoff, you know he got stories,
because he's old as fuck, and he's been in New York
for mad long finessing.
He got mad like-- yo, I've seen a 10-year-old do cocaine off
a giraffe's butt-like stories.
Got that.
While the feds interview him, Bernie Madoff
was cuffed up like, yo, you know what I'm saying?
Face tats and shit, like, yo, what's popping?
Yeah, I finessed the Mets.
So what?
Yeah. nobody else.
Yeah, I mean, except my friends,
but they don't-- nobody cares about them.
Let's start the show.
MERO: Yeah.
Y'all want to start the show?
Let's go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]