- I had a great day.
It started exactly how I wanted,
with breakfast-in-bed.
It's a normal thing.
I don't have any roommates
and it's nice to have someone come over.
And it was my first time.
You just wake up, and there's a bunch of food
on your tits.
And you're like, "Well, this is a lot to deal with."
And also, it's just a weird concept,
breakfast-in-bed, right, if you think about it.
Because it's like you're saying, "Well, it's Saturday.
"You know what?
"Today I want to pretend I'm dying in the hospital."
(laugher)
(mumbles) of course, a bed pan, get in here.
Father's day, isn't it?
Who's kids are these?
I don't have kids.
It's just a bunch of kids...
in front of my bed.
I want 'em, I want kids.
Isn't that weird, to one day decide, or realize,
and I know it sounds weird, but I want 'em.
Last year didn't.
Now I'm like, "Yeah."
I'll be on a plane, playing peek-a-boo with some kid.
I'll do it the whole flight.
And the dad's like, "Quit playing with my kid."
It's like, "Get out of this.
"This is not about you and I.
"It's about me and he."
I'll do it anywhere.
I'll talk to your kid, I don't care.
And they come to me, man.
I'll be in a mall, just like, "Ugh, I'm stressed out."
And they're like, "Hey, one at a time.
"Where the hell are you guys?"
Right?
It's easy.
"Cool shoes, nice shirt."
They're like, "You're more fun than my dad."
I'm like, "all right."
(laughter)
And then the dad comes along, "Get away from my kid."
And it's like, "Come on, I'm not trying
"to molest your kid.
"He's a red-head.
I just want to...nah, no I don't.
Let's be clear.
Red-heads grow up to be beautiful adults, but the kids?
No thanks.
No eyebrows?
Let's put 'em back, I don't think he's done banking.
Is he going to make expressions?
(laughing)
There was one.
From childhood, there's things that happen in your life.
And then sometimes you can bury them
or suppress them, and then one day, they surface.
And then they're quite vivid.
And I'll never forget this, now that I remember it.
I was like 12, and my parents, they walked-in
on me while masturbating.
I'll never forget it now.
Me, laying in bed, looking up, suddenly,
there were my parents, in the doorway.
You know, like I said, they were masturbating.
And I feel like it's just the classic switcheroo.
Usually you walk in the room, someone else is doing that,
usually a sinner.
Hopefully it's someone you know,
like a roommate or something.
If you ever walk in the room, now this is just a tip,
if you ever walk in the room, and someone's masturbating,
don't panic.
Often times, out of kindness, you'll be like,
"I'm sorry."
And then they're scarred and you're scarred.
Don't yell, "Sorry!"
if you walk in the room on a masturbator.
If you walk in the room and someone's doing that,
just keep walking in the room, just keep walking
until like the middle of the room.
And look right at them, and say this,
it's kind of important, "Hey man,
"have you seen my high-prescription-lens glasses anywhere?
(laughing)
"No?
"Man, well, I could use your help finding them,
"you know, when you're done cleaning that gun."
And then you got to crawl down some stairs.
You got to sell that shit.
You got to sell it.
Did you hear what happened to my voice there?
It got very reggaeton.
You got to--
I'm very good at--
I don't like reg, I don't like country, either.
But I'm a terrific singer.
I've just been blessed with this voice
that sings music out like.
Country, never liked it, but I'll give ya a sample.
I'm pretty good.
(yodeling)
down by the holler.
I haven't written any, you can tell by that sample.
I should probably have an album.
And then, this reggaeton voice, so airy I don't know
what to do with it.
But no one wants to hear me sing reggae, right?
(hooting)
I don't care if you grew up on an island.
But it's always some guy from Vermont
that's playing hacky sack.
And he's like, "Well, got to go do reggae."
And it's like, "Fuck, can I stop you?"
And I don't even want to give the other sample.
It's just a little...(trills)
That's just enough to let you know.
Why, what am I ever going to do reggae about?
No one wants to hear my story.
(trilling)
And then clearly I can do it, but I don't feel comfortable
with Mount Sion, Mount Sion.
It's a national park in Utah. (yells)
I do feel good.
I went there with my parents, on a vacation, vacation-style.
Miley Cyrus, airy, I read, Cyrus, O'Leary's,
a restaurant in Spokane.
(trilling)
(scatting)
Reggaeton's a frog band, just a frog.
God, I feel good.
Is that what it's about?
Something about a lion.
Just a vague mention of a lion, Sion.
I drive in Scion.
Cul de sac foot bag. (scatting)
Stand up for blue eyes.
(scatting)
(trilling)
I feel amazing.
(hooting)
I guess that's what it's all about.
I learned a little bit about myself today.
Do you guys like guns?
(laughing)
Oh, man.
I don't.
I was raised to not care for them.
I was handed one once.
And I was like, "I don't like it."
I dropped it.
It went off, hit an uncle, it was at a reunion, I think.
I mean, I just never killed anything, though.
So, what a hypocrite, I eat animals.
And I've never fished.
So finally, I manned-up and I went on a boat.
I chartered a boat, other people chartered it.
I just got on it.
And then they give you a pole.
And there's a trough on the boat.
And it has bait in it, and the bait was fish that's alive.
So they're swimming around.
And then, everyone else was just grabbing this fish,
flopping, and then they put a hook in their head.
So it starts with a hand-to-hand-murder situation.
And I didn't feel that comfortable.
I was like, "I'm sorry."
I said, "sorry"
like five times.
I'm like, "I'm sorry."
And then, after a while, I was like,
"Right in the eye, fucker."
I got into it.
The blood, it felt good.
And then, I'm not kidding, I cast.
And the fish was flopping.
It was on that hook that I mentioned.
And then this bird, just a bird, a beautiful bird,
like an albatross or just a seagull
that really took care of himself,
came swinging around Catalina Island.
I do a lot of island references.
And it swallowed, in mid-air, that bird with the hook
that I mentioned.
So then I'm just flyin' a bird like a kite.
(laughing)
I caught it.
Everyone thought I caught it.
They're like, "Wow, you got one.
"What the...what?"
They ran away from me, they all got scared.
They ran to the back of the boat.
And I'm like, "Why are you all leaving me?"
I start crying.
I immediately started crying.
My fishing just got elevated to hunting.
I'm like, "Oh, cool, both."
And I almost got him to me.
And I had my little finger.
I was going to put it in, it's a normal finger,
but I was going to get it in that beak.
And then the head fishing man, I think that was his name,
he came along, and he clipped the line.
And then the bird, it flew away.
And I was like, "Hey, look at him.
"He'll be okay."
And then the guy's like, "Nah, that's a dead bird."
Dead bird flyin'.
(trilling)
(laughing)
(zapping)