Bonjour dickheads welcome to another episode of the vlog I'm back in
Paris back at home after a holiday first of all let's start with one of your
comments on the previous video which I thought was pretty hilarious from Jordan
Faure who says hashtag Larry the lobster quand Paul reviens de vacances
hashtag Larry's lobster when Paul comes back from holidays check it out I'm not
a fucking lobster for once because I was intelligent I put lots of Sun cream on
alright Jordan fuck you mate secondly the footage that
you just saw looks amazing doesn't it it looks incredible all that slow-motion
shit that I took with my iPhone here is the reality we went with my wife on an
all-inclusive trip no it wasn't it was kind of an all-inclusive it was it was
basically we did fuck all the entire trip that was one night that we walked
onto the beach we took a 20-minute walk and I just took lots of slow-motion
pictures because I knew I was gonna add them into the vlog but apart from that
we just stayed in the hotel room and did fuck all basically if you were to look
up the word fuck all in the English dictionary next to it would be a photo
of us for that whole week but we did nothing and we stayed in the hotel room
because it was kind of like an all-inclusive thing or I needed a break
I needed a break from civilization from anything I just needed to to sit and do
nothing for a week for my brain to get re-energized so we it was it was like
half board breakfast and dinner were included I paid a bit more money to get
a private pool a private pool in the hotel room which ended up not quite
being private it to be honest because we were sharing the pool with neighbours
essentially there was like a tiny wall where we had neighbors and fuck did we
have the funniest neighbors on the planet one side we had neighbours they
were Welsh from Wales Pays de Galles the Welsh and they
spent literally the whole week in their swimming pool which was our swimming
pool the same swimming pool just with a barrier and they sat there the whole
week in the Sun and didn't even go red once which was fucking mind-blowing that
British people could be sitting in the Sun for a week in in 30 degrees heat and
not go red fucking incredible the other side was hilarious the other side of the
room was a fucking nightmare the first couple that we had was a French couple I
woke up at like 9:00 a.m. one morning with the couple arguing and the woman
was shouting..."Why do you call me a whore? Why do you call me a dick-sucker"
her guy was basically calling her a prostitute and a dick-sucker
so they had a massive argument at 9 o'clock in the morning and I think they
maybe broke up because like the next day another couple flew in and they were
like some middle-eastern couple. I couldn't really figure out the language they were
speaking but they were so fucking loud smoking joints and having sex really
loudly at 3 p.m. and as some stage me and my wife and the Welsh couple looked
over our balconies to go what the fuck is going on here so all in all a
very relaxing all-inclusive holiday now the sex part I understand we got an
adults-only an adults-only holiday which is like this new thing where kids are
banned right there's no kids allowed which was great because ideally we were
like right cool if we're gonna be a swimming pool in a bar in the restaurant
in the hotel we don't want any kids we don't want all that noise noise so the
kids got replaced with a noise of some fucking Lebanese woman going
as I'm shouting people in the street are looking at me the worst part of this
whole fucking thing is next to the place to the hotel that we got like the resort
that we had there's a resort next to it called a man Mart man Matt Matt Matt
Marmara what is it Marmara Marmara which is like a French holiday resort
it's like Club Med but shit I think just opposite opposite the swimming pool that
opposite our room basically and all we could hear the whole day with some
fucking in DJ animator shouting at the people in the pool in French
let's go - all in the tranquility of what I thought was gonna be a nice
relaxing holiday on the Greek island Jesus Christ
ended up being basically sex next door to us arguments next door to us and
French people kids and everything in a fucking resort opposite us it was a
nightmare here's the thing about all-inclusive right is that you get
breakfast and dinner included fantastic however I didn't know that there was a
dress code for dinner there turned out that there was a dress code for the
dinner which I wasn't aware of and the dress code for men is that you had to
wear long trousers I didn't pack a pair of long trousers cuz I was going to a
Greek island 29° every day I just packed shorts so I needed long trousers
it's a fucking buffet people it's a buffet who has a dress code for a buffet
where you're lining up to get a piece of potato do you know I mean who has a dress
code so the hotel lent me a pair of trousers that were the right size around
my waist but they were fucking they were way too long but I'll actually put a
photo now of the trousers what I had to do is I had to turn up the fucking
trousers and stick them together with one of my wife's hair pins so I didn't
look ridiculous I mean I looked ridiculous in any case I was wearing
some guy called Kostas...give me your
fucking trousers I'm wearing some Greek man's trousers
going to this buffet by the way there was some crazy waiter or waitress who
was like the manager of something of the buffet she was the buffet manager let's
call her the buffet manager the queen of the buffet and she reminded me she
reminded me of someone in the film and I can't quite think of it and I need your
help to remember this person because for the whole week me and my wife I was like
ah this woman reminds me of somebody the waitress essentially was this kind
of like nice smiling a bit creepy character that would just show up and
surprise you out of nowhere in the buffet and there's a film or a TV show
where there's a guy who's like a butler or he's a waiter I can't remember what
he is and he just got this creepy like smile like like Middle East not Middle
Eastern like Eastern European black hair crea ah and he just jumps up and scares
the shit out of the characters and I can't think of his name or the actor
that's in it so if you know who I'm talking about with that description
hook me up in the comments I need you to tell me who this person is anyway she
reminded me of this guy we saw every day that all the waiters became a part the
family it was it's a friggin nightmare and then after dinner essentially what
we would do is we'd go to the pool area there's like a communal pool that had
some cool lights but it was dead there was no one there and they had like live
music and stuff around the pool area which was kind of cool but it made me
think I felt bad for the people performing there was one guy who was
performing the trumpet and he was basically replacing the lyrics of each
song he had like a backing karaoke track with the songs and then he'd do the voice
with the trumpet no one was there was like 20 people no one was applauding it was
weird so because I felt bad I started the applause at some stage to it so that
he would feel appreciated as an artist but it's just I just I put myself in his
shoes as a comedian doing gigs like that where there's 20 people in the audience
and no one gives a shit and people are just drinking it's just a horrific thing
weird concept this all-inclusive cuz the people that were there as well were were
crazy most of the people there were like Instagram
slags basically Instagram dickheads with all their fucking six-pack and abs or it
check the abs check my tits out fucking Instagram at the pool I'll put up I'll
put up the Instagram hashtag of the hotel were and you can see it now you
can check out the type of people that were around the pool all in all it was a
relaxing time I did free my brain of all the problems and all the situations that
I'm going through in Paris not I'm going through any situations or problems but
you know it just it allowed my brain some space to think so all in all it was
a good break but I'm back in Paris now back to work for now and looking forward
to doing more of the vlogs and I hope your holidays and your summer have been
amazing let me know your opinions on all inclusive I like to find out if any of
you have gone an all-inclusive holiday to see what it's like I just for me it
was it was just a horrific experience it just wasn't the best experience but let
me know your experiences let me know what you prefer if you do like
all-inclusive then hit me up as well love to find out all of that stuff
anyway that's it I've been talking for too long so I'll let you go for this
episode of the vlog and I'll see you again very soon for another episode all
right Cheers Bizous Bye