-Welcome, everybody, welcome. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You’re here. You made it.
Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you for watching.
Uh, guys, this is exciting here in New York City.
We just got our first real snowfall in almost two years.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
During the last two years,
the only thing that fell from the sky was rain
and a door from Alaska Airlines.
I mean, that’s... [ Laughter ]
Yeah, finally some snow. It’s about time.
Last winter, I saw kids
making a snowman out of some loose garbage.
And I go, that’s just -- It’s just sad.
[ Laughter ]
Today, I tipped a kid who was shoveling outside 30 Rock,
and he said, "Thanks, Mr. Fallon."
I said, "No, thank you, Mr. Ramaswami."
[ Laughter ]
Right now, the -- the entire country is getting hit
with an Arctic blast.
It is so cold, in Times Square the cooks over at Bubba Gump
are warming their hands in the gumbo.
[ Laughter ]
It’s so cold, Ron DeSantis is burning books
just for the heat.
[ Laughter ]
It’s so cold, Joe Biden’s teeth
are chattering on his nightstand.
It’s just...cold. Cold.
Really cold.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
That’s his alarm clock. He sets it, his teeth chatter.
That’s how he wakes up. -Yeah.
-Meanwhile, yesterday was the coldest
Iowa caucus day in history,
with wind chills as low as -40 degrees.
Some experts say the cold caused turnout
to be much lower than usual,
but I think it’s more important to listen
to what the voters thought. This man said...
[ Laughter ]
This woman said...
[ Laughter ]
And finally this man said...
There you go. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but sure.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes, yesterday was Iowa Caucus Day,
and former President Trump won in a landslide,
bringing in over 50% of the vote.
Trump was so cocky, he moonwalked into court today.
♪♪
Oh, yeah. Empty my pockets? Sure.
Experts have been saying for months
that Trump would win over 50% of the vote.
These Iowa caucuses were the political version of
this could have been an email, you know what I’m saying?
Yeah, Trump won 98 of Iowa’s 99 counties.
Apparently, the 99th county got confused
and voted for a succession.
[ Laughter ]
That’s right. We didn’t know what we were doing.
What are we? It’s a great show. Yep.
Trump thanked all the voters, then he told that 99th County
that they’re about to be part of Mexico.
But Trump said that he was honored to win
against "very smart people and great competition."
I like how before the vote, they’re pathetic losers.
Once Trump wins, he’s like,
[as Trump] I really beat the best of the best.
[ Normal voice ] Now get this, while he was in Iowa,
Trump delivered pizza from a convenience store
to a local fire department.
Can we see a photo of this? Look at this.
Gosh, it looks like Trump was in the oven with the pizza.
You see that? Look at that photo.
Holy moly.
Somehow Trump is beginning to look like a Trump impersonator.
Well, some more news from the Iowa caucuses.
Ron DeSantis managed to beat out Nikki Haley
to finish in a distant second.
Yep, after spending $35 million in Iowa,
DeSantis cemented himself as the overlooked middle child
of the Republican Party. That’s right.
DeSantis beat Nikki Haley by two points
but lost to Trump by 30.
His staff was like, yay?
Yep, last night Trump won the Iowa caucuses.
Then today he was back in a New York courtroom
for one of his trials.
He’s got a pretty unusual schedule,
but if you’re having trouble keeping track,
let me help you out.
[ Rhythmic tapping ]
Monday, caucus.
Tuesday, court.
Wednesday, New Hampshire.
Thursday, back to court.
Friday, campaign, Saturday, golf.
Sunday, golf, and Monday, golf.
Tuesday, fund raise, hire a lawyer.
Wednesday, golf, then fire a lawyer.
Thursday, trial, Friday, court.
Called DeSantis really short.
Polling numbers way ahead.
Court, court, campaign, tanning bed.
Fundraise, caucus, major flurry.
Golf, then golf, then lie to jury.
Court, court, golf, court, prosecutors.
Court, golf, court, court, lunch at Hooters.
Plea deal, court date, golf before it.
Call from Junior, just ignore it.
Win, lose, win, lose, lead so big.
In the end, just say it’s rigged.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Whew!
I have so much respect for what you do.
Ah, thank you, everyone.
Switching gears... [ Laughter ]
That’s going to take a month out of my life.
I’m just going to hibernate and sleep.
I can’t rap. Um, switching gears,
I read that North Korea has formally abandoned its goal
of reunification with South Korea.
You know, it’s serious, because earlier today,
North Korea stopped following South Korea on Instagram.
[ Laughter ]
Some sports news, on Saturday,
Peacock aired the Chiefs, Dolphins playoff game,
and they announced that it was the most streamed event
in U.S. history.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Of course, the record will be shattered
when the Super Bowl airs on Tubi.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is interesting. They said that the viewership
went way up in the second quarter.
It’s probably because that’s when everyone’s dad
finally figured out how to log on.
It’s like, "Oh, I got it, I got it.
Don’t they send you a password?"
Uh, guys, I saw that there was a norovirus outbreak
on a recent Celebrity Cruises voyage,
and nearly 100 passengers got sick.
Meanwhile, Carnival is like,
if only 100 people got sick in our cruise,
we’d use that in a commercial.
And finally, a man in Germany set a world record
by drinking a cup of coffee in 3.12 seconds.
He plans to make a statement once to skin
on the roof of his mouth grows back.
We have a great show. Give it up for
The Roots, ladies and gentlemen.
-♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I say yes, yes, y'all, to the beat, y'all ♪
♪ Party having people gather ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah!
-♪ Let's get it ♪
-What a show we have for you tonight.
She is an Emmy nominated actress who produced and stars
in the new limited series "Griselda,"
which premieres on Netflix January 25th.
Sofía Vergara is here tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-She’s an Emmy winner and Tony nominee who is starring
in a new one-person production of "Hamlet"
beginning January 25th
at New York’s Greenwich House theater.
Eddie Izzard is joining us today.
Eddie Izzard. [ Cheers and applause ]
Plus, she is making history in Marvel’s "Echo,"
the first superhero series to center on a deaf
and indigenous character.
All five episodes are streaming now on Disney+ and Hulu.
Alaqua Cox is here this evening.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-And we got great music tonight from Bush,
ladies and gentlemen.
Oh. I’m excited!
This is going to be great. Whew!
Uh, well, it’s a new week, and I have a lot of questions,
and I’m going to get them answered right now
by someone who knows everything, Alexa.
It’s time for "Ask Alexa." Here we go.
-♪ Ask Alexa ♪
-Tariq, these are great.
Tariq, you got one of these Alexa things?
-I do. I have a couple of them.
-Yeah, it’s fun because you ask the question,
it’ll give you the answer.
Like, you go, Alexa, what’s the goal of Dry January?
-To let everyone on social media know
that you’re doing Dry January,
-There you go. That’s the -- that’s the goal.
[ Applause ]
How about this? Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
-Sorry, I’m already in a throuple
with the Bose speaker and a Roomba.
Oh. [ Laughter ]
A throuple. Here’s one.
Alexa, where can I watch "Law & Order?"
-Any channel any time of day from now until the end of time.
[ Double tone ]
-It’s helpful.
-How about this?
Alexa, what’s a real life miracle
that simply cannot be explained by science?
-Costco hot dogs still costing $1.50.
-I agree. We’ll never understand.
We’ll never understand.
How about, Alexa,
what is the best way to generate heat this winter?
-Put a poster of Jeremy Allen Whites
Calvin Klein ad in your living room.
Hubba, hubba.
-Have to try that.
-Uh, here’s one here. Alexa, what is love?
-Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more.
-There you go. I'll never hurt you.
Let’s ask one last question.
Alexa, what’s the best time of year to take
a trip out of the country?
-I don’t know about you,
but I’ll be on a plane right before the election.
--Oh, there you go. We have it.
That’s all the time we have for "Ask Alexa."
Stick right around. We’ll be right back
with Sofía Vergara, everybody.