- Hey what's up, it's me, Jessica Jane.
I was just wondering if you've ever sat
and thought to yourself,
"What is Jessica J think about dating advice on TikTok?"
Well, so I'm glad you asked,
because I've been hearing for a while,
that I should be on TikTok,
"and all of these other people are doing dating advice
on TikTok, Jessica."
And I was like, well, you know what,
let me just see what the other dating advice is saying
and rip them a new one.
I'm just kidding, like all my other reaction videos,
I've never even seen any of the advice on TikTok.
I don't even have a TikTok.
I don't even,
think I'm age eligible to be on TikTok.
So to make sure you never miss out
on another reaction video I do,
to the other dating advice out there
or another one of my videos,
don't forget to hit subscribe button
with that notification bell.
Okay, so let's just get right to it,
I've never seen this before.
My assistant sent me several Tik-y Tok-ys
and I just picked this one.
So yeah, let's go over it
and see what the fuck they're saying.
- Four things people often mistake for love.
One, constantly obsessing over somebody
and feeling incomplete when they're not around.
Two, constantly sacrificing your needs for someone else.
Three, that happy feeling you get
when your unhealthy wounds and coping mechanisms
are enabled by somebody.
And four, constantly trying to change your partner,
instead of loving them patiently as an imperfect person
who's in their process.
- Um, okay right there.
I really like everything this lady has to say
and I've been guilty of that.
One thing that,
I think a lot of us confuse love with
is that super out-of-control,
super heightened feeling that we get, right?
That, "Oh my God, I can't live without them Jessica."
But a lot of times those are just your attachment needs
being triggered because you were failed as a child
to get the love that you needed and deserved.
I'm not gonna lie, I feel like I shoulda done this,
like as the 1, 2, 3,
but everything she said so far, I super dig it.
I think it's really good.
A lot of times, men will write in to me being like,
"Jessica, I loved her so much, I won't let her go."
And really that's, y'all sacrificing your self-respect
and dignity for the sake of chasing after somebody that
once made you feel good,
maybe she never even made you feel good,
but that hope was something in your life that really helped
change your life, because your life was that hopeless.
So off the bat, I dig this chick.
A for effort, onto the next one.
- If my boyfriend doesn't text me all day long, that's fine.
Honestly, we both have complex lives
that make communicating difficult.
But all I ask is they send little updates
so I know you're thinking of me and that you're safe.
And if you don't see the value in that,
I don't want it.
- That I totally agree with, I think so many,
I stopped talking to like a dude who was like,
"You know, I need somebody who's gonna like text all day,
throughout the day, every day."
And like, if I like didn't respond with texts right away,
he would like flip the fuck out and block me.
Actually been more than one guy.
But it's okay for you guys to not be
in constant contact with one another.
Before cell phones, you just had to wait blindly
for your love to show up or call you
and not get a busy signal because your mom was on the phone
and you didn't have call waiting back then.
Either way, it's very healthy to have separate independent
lives where you don't have to constantly fucking be
butt-fucking each other, through text.
I really like what she had to say about the little updates
when you can't be in contact with one another.
I've talked to several guys throughout the years,
who've been like, "Hey, you know, I'm about to drive,
I won't be able to talk," or myself I'll be like,
"Hey, I'm not gonna be reachable for awhile,
because I'll be
masturbating."
Okay, onto the next.
- Listen up, if you wanna know
what your relationship is made of
and you don't want to become another divorce statistic,
ask yourself, if all the other person could give you,
was there time, would you still give them yours?
- If all the other person could give you was there time,
would you still give them yours?
Like if all you could give me was your time
and you couldn't give me like,
the good D and pound town.
Maybe that's what he means, I don't know,
my love language is quality time and physical touch.
So pound town is precedent.
To be honest, I'm not even sure he's saying, am I dumb?
Can somebody write in the comments what the hell he means?
It wasn't life-changing or groundbreaking, but whatever.
It seems like it was good enough
to be included in this compilation, so power to him.
Onto the next.
- Too many people mistake the binge and crash cycles
of serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin,
all of these brain chemicals that fire off in your brain
in the first six months of a relationship
or the honeymoon phase.
It's the same as when you're taking drugs, what it releases.
And you're mistaking that for falling in and out of love.
But that's not what that is.
And if you're looking for your relationship
to keep your brain on a constant high,
you're not looking for love.
You're looking for addiction.
- Ooh, I love that so much,
because there are plenty of people who come to me like,
"I want it to feel like it did in the beginning,"
but listen, in the beginning, your body said,
"Hey, this is a potential mate,
let's flood the body with all these hormones,
so we can super pound town and create a baby,
before a T-Rex murders us."
So unless you're capable of continuing to date the person
with whom you're in a relationship
or continuing to spice things up,
you are going to feel that crash a little bit.
And if that is something that you are gonna keep
constantly chasing,
then you're only gonna let yourself down.
Again, I see it so many times
with people who've been married several times,
with people who jump in and out of relationships so easily,
they're looking for that high,
but that high isn't meant to last.
It's never meant to last because again,
your body creates that high for you to create a baby.
And by the time,
with every cycle that's passed, with women it's like,
"All right, I'm over at."
You may be able to sustain it by,
triggering one another and creating those highs and lows.
And at the end of the day,
if that's something you're chasing,
if that's something in your vernacular
in regards to what you are looking for,
you better take goddamn a look at yourself,
because it ain't right.
Okay, onto the next one.
- Let's have a conversation y'all aren't ready to hear yet.
There was a huge difference between saying,
I love you and I like you.
A lot of people in relationships like to rush
to say, I love you and then get mad
when their partner doesn't want to say it back yet.
But what they're not realizing is me saying I like you,
can be way more flattering than me saying I love you.
Because I can love you and not like you,
Do you know how many family members you have that you love,
but you don't like?
Just because I love you doesn't mean
I like to spend time with you.
But if I say I like you, that means I actually like you
and like spending time with you.
So if anything, you should be more flattered
that I'm actually telling you that I like you
instead of just rushing to say I love you
and not meaning it.
Being able to say I love you to your partner takes time.
We have to have gone through some things so that I know
we have resilience in our relationship to last.
So me saying I like you, means we are on a good track
to seeing if I actually love you.
So with that being said,
please stop being so pressed about saying I love you.
- Okay, bless his young ass,
'cause I think it's a very wise of him to be able to
point out that distinction.
I didn't know it wasn't an issue,
people being upset saying I like you.
However, he totally hit the nail on the head.
We are always gonna love our family members or friends.
Maybe not always, but we will always feel that
unconditional care and concern for these people,
but unconditional care and concern for a significant other,
I think it does take time.
I think it does take finding out who they are,
finding a way to really know them and understand them
on a familial level and a familiar level.
And if you like them first,
that's fantastic because that means you enjoy them
and they enjoy you.
I know for me,
like if I get to a point where I tell a guy like,
"Oh my God, I really like you."
I know that now, that started the ball rolling
to see whether or not he can even be in my life.
I don't do that with fucking everyone,
you shouldn't either and she shouldn't.
So yeah, if you're having issues with the word,
like versus love,
don't get all bent out of shape out of it
and appreciate it for what it is.
- All right, here's a weird psychological trick
to help you get over that breakup.
I get it, the flowers are dead,
all the chocolates have been eaten
and it's time to get over that heartache
from Valentine's day.
Well, so our brains are really unique
because we only remember things
that are associated with high emotion.
Now it could be good emotion, it could be negative emotion,
doesn't really matter.
It just will remember if we've had a lot of emotion
associated with something.
So relationships obviously generally have both,
you have good experiences that are high emotion,
and then you have maybe negative experiences,
that are high emotion as well.
So your brain tends to remember all these things
and getting over that can be very difficult.
Now here's a trick that you can use
to help you get over that person very quickly.
And that is to do something in a creative manner,
that's gonna give you something that you want.
So maybe you play music, maybe you write poetry,
maybe you work good, maybe you're a day trader,
doesn't matter what you do,
just get into work and focus on something that you want,
while you're working.
- You know, that's really interesting
because the last video I did was
basically kind of along the lines of how to let her go,
how to stop caring, so that she starts chasing you.
And it sounds like there's a little bit
along those premises, those similar premises,
in that doing something,
he says "creative for yourself to get something you want."
I talked about bettering yourself, bettering your situation,
leveling up in any way shape or form,
than how you were when you were with her
or maybe you never got to be with her.
But I totally agree.
I think they call it esteemable acts in the addiction model,
is when you do things that are very cause and effect
for something you did,
that caused something good for yourself
and being able to do that is a very good
(snaps fingers)
serotonin boost, when it comes to being in a breakup
or amidst of breakup.
What you're doing is you're showing yourself
how capable you are of producing good feelings for yourself
when really it's, you can't control heartache, right?
So I think that's a really, really good psychological tip.
I never really heard it put in those words,
but I do appreciate it and I do agree with it.
- Tips for a lasting relationship?
Why, yes indeed.
Not only have I been with my husband for 14 years,
but we haven't had a fight in five.
So first of all,
understand how to not turn little things into big fights,
which means you have to know how to manage your thoughts
and your emotions and also your impulse.
- Okay, I'm gonna say right now as a therapist,
I remember we would do supervision meetings
where all the therapists would get together
and we'd basically just talk about our cases, right?
And I remember any time a couple came in
or anytime time me or one of my colleagues
had a couple that wasn't fighting,
we all used to be like,
"oh God," because nothing's worse than a couple
that doesn't fight.
At least when you're fighting,
you're throwing everything out onto the table.
So, you know, what to work with,
but to pride yourself on,
"Me and my husband haven't had a fight."
I bet you're not fucking either, am I right?
I bet I am.
All right, let's see what else she has to say.
- That impulse to say the stuff that comes to your head
without really thinking about it first?
Yeah, I used to have that one too.
So in order to do that, you must start meditating
because it's gonna reduce anxiety, stress, and fear.
You know those emotions that you kind of
vomit on your partner whenever they get overwhelming,
mm-hmm, deal with that my love.
Go to my YouTube channel for my last meditative playlist
and start plugging in with headphones.
I got tracks on there, that are gonna help your brain.
Next, understand gender differences
so you don't get pissed off at normal stuff.
- Okay, before I get into that,
that's gotta be the worst thing I've ever fucking heard.
"Oh just meditate so you don't say
what's really going on for you."
That's the dumbest shit I ever heard.
I think, if you have something to say, say it,
at least you can work with it.
Again, going back to when I was a therapist,
working with all these other therapists,
nothing was creepier than couples who didn't fight
or couples who didn't say
what the fuck they were really thinking
and the feelings that were really feeling.
At least if you're saying what you're really thinking
and what you're really feeling,
you may have an incorrect perspective
on what your partner did.
However, at least it's out on the table
and you know how to resolve it.
To be like, "Oh my God, I'm like really triggered
because he never came home last night.
I'm just gonna meditate."
They actually say resentment builds
from a boundary not placed.
So if you're just sitting there shutting the fuck up,
because you have meditated away,
all your legitimate concerns, you're just gonna eventually
build a lot of resentment in that relationship.
And that's one of the four horsemen, according to Gottman,
that will kill your relationship in the end, inevitably.
All right, she talks about gender differences,
knowing gender differences
and I guess that's what this channel is about,
so let's hear what she has to say,
even though she's off to a pretty shitty start.
- Be sure you read "Fix that Shit,"
so you know how to resolve conflict too.
Boop.
- Wow, all right, that was just a plug for her book.
(laughs sarcastically)
And I think that's the last one,
but we're gonna leave it at that.
If you want a better way to communicate with women
so that you're in the driver's seat,
so that you are the leader
and that women are following around, following you around,
trying to get in your passenger seat,
don't forget to check out my Speak to Spark Arousal System,
at speaktosparkarousal.com.
Ovearall, I would say with the exception of the last lady,
this TikTok advice was pretty,
it was pretty all right.
Nah, I don't know, nothing too groundbreaking.
But if you guys have any suggestions for something else,
you want me to do a reaction video to,
please don't hesitate, to comment in the section below.
Thanks for watching as always.
And I'll see you guys next time.