TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO KICK OFF WITH BIG NEWS FROM BACK IN MY
HOME COUNTRY, GREAT BRITAIN.
INDEED, SIR.
THE PRIME MINISTER THERE, THERESA MAY, SURPRISED EVERYONE
BY CALLING FOR AN EARLY ELECTION ON JUNE 8TH, EVEN THOUGH IT
WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN UNTIL 2020.
SHE'S FED UP WITH ALL THE POLITICAL FIGHTING, SO SHE'S
ASKING FOR ANOTHER ELECTION RIGHT AWAY.
TO WHICH AMERICANS REPLIED, "WAIT, WE CAN DO THAT?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVING THE ELECTION ON JUNE 8TH
MEANS THERE'S ONLY SEVEN WEEKS OF CAMPAIGNING.
THAT MIGHT SEEM CRAZY HERE.
IN AMERICA, WHERE YOU CAMPAIGN FOR, UM, A DECADE.
BUT BELIEVE ME, SEVEN WEEKS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO HATE
ALL THE CANDIDATES.
MEANWHILE, HERE'S SOME NEWS COMING OUT OF THE COACHELLA
MUSIC FESTIVAL.
A MAN WAS ARRESTED THERE OVER THE WEEKEND AFTER IT WAS
DISCOVERED HE'D STOLEN OVER 100 SMART PHONES.
AT THE FESTIVAL.
LISTEN, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH STEALING PHONES AT
COACHELLA.
COACHELLA IS BASICALLY A SELFIE FESTIVAL THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE
MUSIC.
BUT I THINK THE POLICE AT COACHELLA WANTED TO MAKE THE
PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME.
LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO HIS MUGSHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS ALSO HAPPENED AT
COACHELLA.
CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO OF A KID ROCKING OUT DURING DRAKE'S
PERFORMANCE.
THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID "A KID."
TAKE A LOOK.
♪ ♪
AND THAT'S HOW DAD LOST CUSTODY OF LITTLE PHOENIX.
( APPLAUSE ) I HAVEN'T SEEN A BLOND,
BABY-FACED, MUSIC-LOVING LITTLE DANCER LIKE THAT SINCE EVERY
TIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
( LAUGHTER ) FINALLY, ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH
PROM-POSALS? THEY'RE GETTING OUT OF HAND.
A HIGH SCHOOL BOY IN GEORGIA GOT THE LOCAL POLICE TO HELP HIM
STAGE A DRUG BUST IN ORDER TO ASK A GIRL TO PROM.
THE COPS QUESTIONED BOTH OF THEM ABOUT A FAKE BAG OF MARIJUANA.
THEN EVENTUALLY GAVE THE GIRL A NOTE WITH A REQUEST TO GO TO
PROM.
RIGHT?
LOOK, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, AND I WOULD NEVER USUALLY SAY THIS,
BUT ( BLEEP ) THIS KID.
( APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.
SORRY IF YOU'RE OFFENDED BY BAD LANGUAGE.
BUT ( BLEEP ) THIS KID.
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?
WHAT DID HE DO, CALL 911?
"911, WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?" "WELL, THERE'S THIS GIRL,
KATIE... " "WE'LL BE THERE!"
CAN WE AGREE THAT THESE PROM-POSAL THINGS ARE GETTING
WAY TOO COMPLEX?
IN MY DAY, SCHOOL DANCES WERE VERY SIMPLE AFFAIRS.
EVERYONE SAID NO, AND I STAYED HOME.
SIMPLE.
THE POLICE SAY THEY LOVED HELPING THE TWO WITH THE
PROM-POSAL AND LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING THEM TOGETHER ON PROM
NIGHT WHEN THEY ARREST THEM FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING.
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS THE SIGN THAT THE BOY GAVE HER.
"SAY YES OR YOU'RE UNDER ARREST."
THE SCARY PART, THAT'S ALSO DONALD TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN SLOGAN
FOR 2020. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )