-It seems like there's so much
going on right now.
Today the House sent
the impeachment articles to the Senate.
A cheating scandal in Major League Baseball
cost the Boston Red Sox manager his job.
[ Cheering and applause ] Ken Jennings --
Ken Jennings won
the "Jeopardy!" Greatest of All Time tournament.
[ Cheering and applause ]
And an entire town in Michigan smells like weed
because so many residents are growing it.
[ Cheering, laughter, and applause ] There's a lot to go over,
so let's just jump in and cover it all at once.
It is time for "News Smash."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
First up, impeachment.
Today the house voted to send
the impeachment articles over to the Senate.
There's no doubt that President Trump is in trouble.
He put himself in serious
[ Laughter and cheering ] "Jeopardy!" The tournament
was so fun to watch!
Ken Jennings made it look easy up there.
It was almost like he was
Cheating. [ Laughter ]
Red Sox manager Alex Cora organized a scheme
to steal signs from catchers.
Now, he's out of a job.
To cheer himself up, he might have to take a little trip to
Weed Town, USA. [ Laughter and applause ]
The whole town of Bessemer, Michigan,
smells like weed 'cause so many residents like to grow it.
These people smoke so much weed,
you bet you can never see them on
"Jeopardy!" It was [ Laughter ]
a historic, once-in-a-generation event
that we all got to watch on TV, just like the
Impeachment. [ Laughter ]
The trial starts soon and there's new evidence
that Trump's associates threatened people
to get dirt on Biden.
Democrats are saying that's not okay and totally
Stinks. This [ Laughter ]
town's changing Michigan from Great Lakes State
to the Dank Stank State. [ Laughter ]
Growing that much weed is a bold move. It takes
Balls. The Red Sox [ Laughter and applause ]
could see them coming from a mile away,
since they knew the signs.
But they got caught.
They never should've
Wagered it all. And that's [ Laughter ]
what Ken Jennings did, and it paid off big-time.
His score was so high, in fact, he might as well live in
Bessemer, Michigan. So, [ Laughter ]
in conclusion, good luck,
good luck,
What is good luck?
[ Laughter ] What is -- Wait, what?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Acting!
-[Chuckle]
You guys, I'm excited about this.
Robert Downey Jr. is my guest tonight!
[ Boisterous cheering and applause ]
He stars in the new movie "Dolittle."
Yep, "Dolittle," which pretty much sums up
last night's Democratic debate.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, last night was the seventh Democratic debate
and a lot of people are saying that it was pretty dull.
It's odd, 'cause I really thought six white people
standing behind podiums onstage for two hours
was gonna be a rager!
[ Laughter ]
But the main reason people watched was
to see Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders go at it
after Bernie reportedly told her
a woman couldn't win the presidency.
-Ooh. -At the end of the debate,
it seemed like there was still some tension there.
Check out what happened when Bernie went
to shake Warren's hand.
[ Applause ] -The Democratic debate in Des Moines, Iowa.
This was the last time Americans will hear
[ Laughter ] the Democratic candidates all
onstage together. Twenty days,
six candidates onstage. -Yeah, wow.
-Laser focus on policy, Iran, healthcare.
-Can we see them again?
[ Laughter ] -Ooh.
-Bernie looks like a Delta gate agent
who caught someone in zone 2 trying to board in zone 1.
[ Laughter and applause ] [gruffly] "There are rules!
There are rules, ma'am!
I'm gonna ask you."
[ Laughter ]
That exchange looked pretty intense.
Luckily, we were able to get the enhanced audio
-Ooh. -of what they were saying.
It seems like people might be blowing this outta proportion.
Check it out. -[whispering] Hey, Bernie,
I was wondering if you've heard
Justin Bieber's new song "Yummy."
-[whispering] What? -It goes...
♪ You've got that yummy, yummy ♪
-No! Listen!
The only Bieber song I listen to is "Sorry."
-"Yummy's" better.
-Your opinion, not mine.
Agree to disagree. -Hey, when you're talkin'
about the 1%, are you talkin' about me?
-[Bleep] off.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow!
[ Cheering and applause ] We got that audio.
My goodness. Wow!
-One of the biggest moments from last night's debate
was Amy Klobuchar talking about her election record.
Check it out. -My Republican opponents
have gotten out of politics for good
[ Laughter ] and I think -- I think that sounds pretty goo-oo-d.
[ Laughter ]
-[as Klobuchar] Pretty goo-oo-d!
Pretty goo-oo-d.
It was trending on Twitter last night.
[as Klobuchar] Pretty goo-oo-d. [ Laughter ]
But I noticed you can actually use
[as Klobuchar] pretty goo-oo-d
to describe a lot of things.
Like, for example, if you get an alert
that your Grubhub order is arriving early, that's...
-Pretty goo-oo-d.
[ Laughter ]
If you send the wrong text, but switch your phone
to airplane mode just in time, that's...
-Pretty goo-oo-d. [ Laughter ]
Or finally, if you happen to stop by
Weed Town, USA, that's...
-[warbling slow-mo] Pretty goo-oo-d.
[ Laughter and applause ] See? It works in a bunch of ways.
[ Cheering and applause ]
And, now that the Iowa caucuses are just weeks away,
voters in the state are being bombarded with campaign ads.
The battle for airwaves have gotten so intense
that Mike Bloomberg is now attacking the MyPillow guy.
-Wow. [ Polite laughter ]
[ Laughing, claps ]
-We knew that joke wasn't gonna work
about 20 minutes ago, but we still --
[ Laughter ] -Tried it, anyway, you know?
-We still wanted to try and see if it worked.
And it didn't. -It did not.
[ Laughter ]
-I just like saying MyPillow guy.
-Come on. Who doesn't? [ Laughter ]
-Even though he wasn't at the debate,
Mike Bloomberg's campaign tried gaining some attention
by tweeting out a bunch of weird, absurd facts
that had nothing to do with the election.
Did anyone see this?
They even posted a photo of Bloomberg's face
on a meatball. Check this out.
[ Laughter ]
It says, "Spot the meatball that looks like Mike."
So, if you're keeping track, Bloomberg's appeared
in zero debates, but on one meatball.
[ Laughter ]
Well, as I mentioned, today the House finally voted
to send the articles of impeachment to the Senate.
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but the impeachment
sort of feels like "Grey's Anatomy."
Every time I see it, my first thought is,
"Is that still on TV?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Pelosi appointed seven impeachment managers,
who will prosecute the case against Trump.
I don't know if that was a good idea.
I mean, when you pick seven,
aren't you begging Trump to give them
dwarf nicknames from "Snow White"? It's like...
[as Trump] There's Congressman Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy."
[ Laughter ]
Can we see a photo of Pelosi and the seven managers?
-Yeah. -I know it doesn't seem
like much, but, compared to last night's debate,
that looks like the cast of "Dolemite."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
And maybe Pelosi was smart
to delay sending over the articles
'cause there's new evidence in the case against Trump.
It turns out that one of Rudy Giuliani's associates,
Lev Parnas, actually wrote a note that said,
"get Zalensky to Announce that
the Biden case will Be Investigated."
Trump was furious. He was like...
[as Trump] You stayed at the Ritz,
instead of one of my hotels?
[ Laughter ]
But Trump's keeping busy.
Last night he held a rally in Wisconsin,
where he ranted about dishwashers.
He said people have to run them ten times to get things clean.
[ Laughter ] First of all, since when
does Trump use a dishwasher?
[ Laughter ]
Everything he eats comes in a wrapper.
[ Laughter ]
Second, Trump said the same exact thing about toilets.
Yeah. He said people are flushing toilets ten times
to get them to work.
I think I know what's going on here.
I think Trump's washing his dishes in the toilet
and he's going to the bathroom in the dishwasher.
[ Ewwing and ohhing ]
[ Laughter ]
During an event today, Trump welcomed
several business leaders to the White House,
including Ford executive Nancy Joy Falotico. ["Fallateeko"]
Let's see how that went.
-Nancy Fallohtohco, of Ford.
[ Laughter ]
Nancy, where are you?
-[as Trump] Please welcome Nancy from Ford versus Ferrari.
[ Laughter ] Some TV news:
"Jeopardy!'s" Greatest of All Time tournament is over
and, in the end, Ken Jennings won three games,
James Holzhauer won one,
and Brad Rutter didn't win any.
Yep, Rutter's one of "Jeopardy!'s" all-time greats
and, now, everyone looks at him like, "Pfew, idiot!"
[ Laughter ]
You guys, a lot of people follow the news
by just checking out what's trending on Twitter,
but sometimes seeing just a hashtag
doesn't tell the whole story, so, to quickly catch you up
on the week, let's look at why some
of these things were trending.
First up, there's the #incoherentdisaster.
You may think it's trending because Trump ranting
about toilets at his rally,
[ Laughter ] but #incoherentdisaster is
actually trending 'cause it's the best review of "Cats."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up is #whitenoise.
You may think it's trending because Amazon has a deal
on white noise machines.
but #whitenoise is actually trending
because it's how most people describe
last night's Democratic debate.
[ Laughter, ohhing ]
Up next is the word #goat.
It could be trending 'cause Ken Jennings
was named "Jeopardy!'s" Greatest of All Time.
But goat is actually trending 'cause the main ingredient
in Arby's Meat Supreme Stacked Sandwich.
[ Ohhing ]
[ Laughter ]
That's not a real sandwich. Not a real sandwich.
-That's not real. Joke. -I made it up.
Next up, there's #trex.
It should be trending 'cause the band T. Rex
is getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
But #trex is actually trending 'cause
Bernie sanders talked about his first pet.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, finally, there's the #highclass.
You may think it's trending 'cause
the queen's supportive statement about Prince Harry.
But the hashtag #highclass is actually trending
because of this moment on "The Bachelor."
[ Tranquil tune plays ] [ Laughter ]
-There you go. -We have a great show!