G'day, A.J. Mahari here
bpd breakups unique complex more painful
often described as more painful than any other kind of relationship breakup
what's really something that i think a lot of people are overlooking
about the bpd relationship break up though like any relationship breakup
for all the talk that there is online in this area et cetera about
people bpd and the black and white thinking they're dichotomous thinking people's codependency
also have a lot of dichotomous thinking going on so what's really important to think about there
well relationships relationship breakups are actually healthier healthiest when they really are
black and white so a relationship breakup is basically a black and white endeavor
sometimes in healthy relationships or if you're not in relationship with cluster b
and there's a breakup could be somewhat mutual could be talked about but even that also doesn't
bring about closure like people are searching so much for closure where there is absolutely no
closure with cluster b's so there's that too but the point i want to really make in this video is
that for all the dichotomy that people at bpd have going on but they're not
all the same that all people at bp seem to be blamed for at the end of these relationships
the lack of dichotomy between people with bp and and people with codependency
in a bpd relationship breakup is actually not healthy on either side of the equation
because breakups relationship breakups are considered to be more healthy and it's more common
and i don't like the word normal but more quote normal unquote
when the breakup is black and white because when a relationship is ongoing it's ongoing
it's happening it's still a relationship and when a relationship breakup occurs
i'm talking about other than with bp relationship breakups right but in general
when a relationship breakup occurs that is a black and white situation so relationship
was there was happening then the breakup happens then the relationship is over black and white
and you know more people the healthier people are the less they try to stay to be friends to try to
be in touch to find a middle ground where there isn't really one when you're in a relationship
you're in a relationship and when you break up you break up go separate ways go forward you know
on with your own life type of thing so bpd relationship breakups are really super complicated
in this area very painful in this area also because of the very nature of the fact that
they're complex and complicated when people are really not always sure if it's over
or if it's over and the relationship break up the bpd relationship breakup has happened one way or
another and people are like with codependency doubt themselves a lot and they're like well
is it over isn't it over you might not get clear signals you might get mixed messages from somebody
with bpd especially untreated etc all these things are happening four people and two people in a bpd
relationship break up all the various different iterations of that situations that go with that
but yeah two things in this video really start off to just say that relationships are healthiest
when they are if they're on they're on and if they're off off and there's no in between
that is dichotomous and that's one place in life and there are a few others where
dichotomy is healthier in other words the black and the white of it all that there's no in between
when a relationship breaks up more often than not but so why is there a massive in between
when it's a bpd relationship breakup with a person with bpd and codependency i mean there's a myriad
of reasons but there's this black and white thinking the cognitive dissonance the rumination
but there's the there's that unhealthy bond in the middle that that just takes away the
empowerment of a person with codependency often of the person with bpd to actually just have this
sort of breakup that is understood by both parties because it's often not understood by either party
codependent or borderline to be a finality to be it's over we are ending this relationship right
now or you got ghosted and discarded they slam the door in your face that's an ending why are
you looking to start that up again why are people recycling these relationship breakups what happens
to the breakup part in the bpd relationship breakup have you ever thought of it that way
do you have experience with this you know what i'm talking about what do you think please leave
a comment below uh because the other part of this is so there's this lack of breakup in a breakup
what's that mean well there's lots going on with that means lots of things like to know what do you
think that means what what has it meant in your experience was it the person with bpd saying well
i really can't handle this anymore not saying anything going away ghosting you coming back
developing a pattern and that's how your quote relationship unquote has gone for like a year or
two that every two weeks or three weeks or a month they need like a month or two off or three weeks
gone and you know what they're doing and like because that's not a relationship that would be an
on and off relationship that would be a recycling of a relationship so bpd relationship breakups
when the breakup really never gets done in a lot of cases or that it requires a lot of you
know in therapy healing and recovery for people with codependency after the bpd relationship
you're pretty sure it's a breakup some people know it's a breakup some people have no idea
some people are back and forth and the false hope in the denial etc and the other thing about these
relationship the bpd relationship breakup besides that there's a dichotomy there that
would be healthy to have like okay it's over and i got to deal with it now maybe you need to get
in therapy and work on healing and recovering from it and your codependency but it's over but people
people don't get there right people don't it's not that simple it's more complicated and complex
very nature of the unhealthy bond very nature of when codependency meets
untreated borderline personality and what's that mean and various overlaps but the other element
in these relationships in the bpd relationship breakup is this hunt and search and need and want
and all over the internet talked about closure you didn't give me any closure i don't understand what
happened i didn't get closure i need closure i want closer close your closure closure closure
okay well but you didn't get any reciprocity or respect or you weren't seen or heard by them in
the relationship and you're expecting disclosure from them now magically because they don't know
how to take personal responsibility many people bp and they don't know how to really communicate
and they they do have um complicated uh sort of like inhibited communication uh in many ways
and so all of a sudden you're expecting but they can suspend all that you've
experienced from them in a bpd relationship in the bpd breakup because you need closure
so what is closure please leave a comment below what does closure mean to you in terms
of a bpd relationship breakup for somebody with codependency what's that closure mean to you what
is it you want what what do you think would make you feel better what would help you to know it was
over what would help you to understand it what is it about that if if you want to share in a comment
below that you think you still don't understand needs something else to to need to know more about
or to make sense out of something what is that no closure really about for real because
you know in healthier relationships even people don't really get closure from the other person
like i've had a few healthy relationships i had to break up with somebody once because
they wanted to have children and i didn't and they were younger than i was it's quite a while ago now
and they were younger than i was and so you know um like i let the person go out of love
i explained it we talked about it but they weren't happy that's not what they wanted they
were starting to try to want to change me into wanting children when i didn't want children so
it was going to become a bigger issue than it even was at that point so that breakup
had communication with it i really did break up with somebody that i love very much
because we had this base in compatibility this can happen in healthy relationships but what what am i
talking about that for well to say this that even though there was communication and even though
there was some mutuality in talking about it um she was quite upset understandably but i was in
a lot of pain having to let her go i loved her the relationship was a great relationship but then she
wanted children and i didn't and we had this base incompatibility so in that relationship breakup
while there was reciprocity mutuality a conversation some mutual understanding
though not necessarily mutual agreement because i didn't like what i was having to choose it hurt
and she was getting hurt and it was like neither one of us really wanted to not be
in the relationship but this this incompatibility was pretty big so but my point is even with that
i don't believe either one of us though we tried hard together did we d people often in
healthy relationship breakups don't attain closure you don't get closure from the other person
this is i think a big codependent um need or maybe where a lot of people with codependency
because of your childhood woundedness and how you develop codependency in the first place which is
highly individual a lot of people's cases you're expecting that you would get closer
from them that you will somehow understand what just happened well even in my reference
to the healthy relationship i was in some years ago where i broke up with this person and why
closure didn't come for her from me even though we talked closure didn't come for me
from her so you see closure after a relationship breakup when it's healthier and it is
more black and white it the the dichotomy of a breakup the ending of a relationship
is a major change in shift and it isn't it it's healthy that it's dichotomous
so and that dichotomy may not last forever like with that ex of mine she went on she was mad at
me for several years um three three five years she went on to meet the person she was more
compatible with they've had children they have three children now they've
been together for several years i think almost 10 now and we're great friends and we're like
family with each other but that didn't happen and that often won't happen but it happens a little
bit more maybe in the lesbian community than it does in a heterosexual or other i don't know but
it happened after a few years so but but i think there's a difference for heterosexuals versus
maybe gay men or lesbian women i'm not sure but i think there is and i think in heterosexuality
especially even in healthier relationships it's much more of a relationship breakup that is
dichotomous black and white relationship is no longer a relationship people go their separate
ways and whether they're still co-parenting or not they just go their separate ways
and so when the bpd relationship break up i think there's codependent denial and a lot of issues
that people with codependency need to look at that you're expecting not only because of the because
of the way the relationship is the unhealthy bond etc but that you're expecting it somehow
you know or you believe that you need closure from them or you can't possibly work this out
or move on with your life when in fact even in a healthier relationship breakup closure isn't
gotten from the other person closure is still an inside job at the end of any relationship breakup
so be interested to know what you think about that if you share your comments share your experience
share how you're feeling share what it is it's driving you to think that you can get closure from
you know in a bp relationship break up from the person with bpd or or why you still feel what
what is it that you think wherever you're at right now that you think you need that closure from them
because because it's not coming but even more to the point in healthy relationship breakups
people do not really get closure from each other now can there be conversations and maybe something
yes but the ultimate moving forward getting closure taking care of yourself you
family of origin and your childhood woundedness and i'm out here to work with you if you'd like to
take that journey to understanding why the closure you will find closure in that therapeutic process
of healing and recovery and that the closure it's it's really doesn't make a lot of sense
emotionally or otherwise that people think they're going to get closure from the person with bpd
and the closure needs to be closure that you find within yourself and that's what i think
codependents are struggling with because you have lost a lot of yourself and you don't know
yourself as well as you would if you didn't have codependency so closure is an inside job
not to be looked toward the other person poor and then of course there's so many other complicating
realities to what creates bpd relationship breakups and what you've experienced in the
relationship which is really not love and not healthy etc so what do you think about the fact
that healthy relationship breakups are actually more dichotomous and that that's common and that
that's desirable and that's not what happens in a bpd relationship breakup more complex more
complicated because of codependency as well as the person with bpd and then what do you think about
the fact that you need to find your own closure which a lot of people after the bp relationship
break up with codependency need to do in therapy so i'm out here to work with you if i resonate
with you and go to ajmhre.ca but i really hope people will comment share their experiences share
your thoughts because this idea of codependence chasing after the borderline foreclosure
and all the time you waste and how much for so many people that means you really don't want the
relationship to be over and you're fighting reality and what are you doing and it's it's
coming from your codependency it's coming from woundedness and it's coming from your childhood
family boards and issues that's why therapy is so important for people with codependency
and to go no contact and to understand when a bpd relationship breakup takes place that
the closure you're going to have to find for yourself it's an inside job anyways in therapy
and when there's been a breakup when you've been treated poorly disrespected etc
why do you think that there's anything more that you need to know from that person
why do you think that they hold your closure because they really don't so be interested to hear
your feedback your comments your ideas about that