BLESS YOU, EVERYBODY.
LOTS OF NEWS TO COVER, LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
SOME BAD NEWS FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP TODAY.
A MAJOR WITNESS IN THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HAS NOW
CHANGED HIS TESTIMONY.
AMBASSADOR GORDON SONDLAND, WHO PREVIOUSLY SAID THERE WAS NO
"QUID PRO QUO," A FAVOR FOR A FAVOR, AS PART OF TRUMP'S
NEGOTIATIONS WITH UKRAINE.
WELL, NOW, HE'S SAYING THERE WAS.
YEAH.
WOW.
THE THING ABOUT TRUMP WE ALL KNEW WAS TRUE TURNED OUT TO BE
TRUE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
IN HIS EARLIER TESTIMONY, THE AMBASSADOR SAID THERE WAS NO
"QUID PRO QUO," BUT THEN HE FOUND OUT WHAT "QUID PRO QUO"
MEANT AND WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH THERE WAS DEFINITELY THAT."
( LAUGHTER ) THE AMBASSADOR HAS NOW REVISE
HIS TESTIMONY.
WHILE I IMAGINE PRESIDENT TRUMP IS NOW "REVISING" THE
AMBASSADOR'S EMPLOYMENT STATUS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER IMPEACHMENT NEWS,
ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
ORGANIZED THOUSANDS OF PHONE CALLS TO DOZENS OF HOUSE
DEMOCRATS TO JAM UP THEIR PHONE LINES DURING THE IMPEACHMENT
INQUIRY.
THE IDEA WAS TO OOD THE LINES AND STALL THE INVESTIGATION.
THESE MONSTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) PHONE CALLS?
( LAUGHTER ) TO A LAND LINE?
( LAUGHTER ) IF THEY LEFT VOICEMAILS TOO,
THEY SHOULD BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE PROBLEM WITH
CALLING SOMEONE TO JAM UP THEIR PHONE LIS: YOU'RE ALSO JAMMING
UP YOUR PHONE LINE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE LIKE, "HA!
I SHOWED THEM, THEY WERE STUCK ON THE PHONE FOR HOURS, WHEREAS
I WAS... WELL, I WAS ALSO STUCK ON THE PHONE FOR HOURS."
THEY MADE 11,000 PHONE CALLS.
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN REPUBLICANS ARE ACTING
THE SAME WAY I DID WHEN MY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH
ME.
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, DURING AN INTERVIEW
TO PROMOTE HIS NEW BOOK, DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR SAID THAT HIS
FATHER MONITORS HIS SOCIAL MEDIA AND WILL TELL HIM TO CALM DOWN
WHEN HE GETS, "A LITTLE HOT ON SOCIAL."
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN DONALD TRUMP HAS TO TELL
YOU TO CALM DOWN ON TWITTER, YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP WARNED DONALD JUNIOR THAT
HIS SON'S SOCIAL MEDIA PRESENCE WAS "GETTING A LITTLE HOT."
MAKING THIS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE IN THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT AN INCREASE IN TEMPERATURE
WAS MAN-MADE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS, AS YOU
MAY KNOW, PEOPLE ALL OVER THE COUNTRY VOTED TODAY FOR
STATEWIDE AND LOCAL RACES.
BUT PRESIDENT TRUMP SEEMED TO BE OBSESSED WITH ANOTHER KIND OF
VOTING, BECAUSE HE TWEETED "VOTE FOR SEAN SPICER ON "DANCING WITH
THE STARS."
( LAUGHTER ) HE IS A GREAT AND VERY LOYAL GUY
WHO IS WORKING VERY HARD!
HASHTAG MAGA" ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER SEAN SPICER, HE IS TRUMP'S FORMER
PRESS SECRETARY.
HERE'S WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE THEN.
AND HERE'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE WORKING FOR TRUMP, SPICER
WAS OFTEN ACCUSED OF GOING ON TELEVISION AND LYING TO THE
COUNTRY.
AND HE CONTINUES TO DO JUST THAT BY GOING ON "DANCI WITH
THE STARS" AND REFERRING TO HIMSELF AS A "STAR."
( LAUGHTER ) WHY IS SEAN SPICER EVEN ON
"DANCING WITH THSTARS?" POLITICIANS DON'T BELONG ON
ENTERTAINMENT SHOWS.
THESE SHOWS ARE FOR CELEBRITIES NOT POLITICAL FIGURES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WITH ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HILLARY AND CHELSEA CLINTON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> WELL, WE HEARD YOUR JOKES BACKSTAGE AND FELT IT WAS OUR
CIVIC DUTY TO END THIS HUMANITARIAN CRISIS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU KNOW, I REALLY AM FED UP
WITH ALL OF YOUR TRUMP JOKES EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) IF ANYONE SHOULD BE TELLING
TRUMP JOKES, IT'S ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> JAMES: ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT DONALD
TRUMP TRYING TO GET VOTES FOR SEAN SPICER ON "DANCING WITH THE
STARS?" WELL, THE STAGE IS YOURS.
GO FOR IT.
GO AHEAD,ET IN THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> ACTUALLY, I DO.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BLAME TRUMP FOR TRYING TO HELP.
SEAN SPICER.
IF THERE'S ONE THING WE'VE LEARNED, IT'S THAT THESE GUYS
REALLY CAN'T WIN THE POPULAR VOTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> JAMES: CHELSEA, DO YOU WANT
TO GET IN ON THIS?
>> SURE.
FORMER WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN SEAN SPICER IS NOW ON "DANCING
WITH THE STARS."
IT'S AN IMPROVEMENT FROM HIS OLD JOB, "DANCING AROUND THE
ISSUES."
( RIM SHOT ) >> JAMES: THIS IS GREAT.
DO YOU WANT TO DO ANOTHER STORY, HILLARY?
>> OH, SURE, BUT PLEASE CALL ME SECRETARY CLINTON.
( LAUGHTER ) >> JAMES: OKAY.
APOLOGIES, SECRETARY CLINTON.
( LAUGHTER ) CHELSEA, DID YOU SEE HOW "THE
NEW YORK TIMES" JUST ANALYZED ALL OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TWEETS?
>> I DID.
THERE WERE SOME PRETTY SHOCKING REVELATIONS.
FOR EXAMPLE, 50% OF TRUMP'S TWEETS HAVE BEEN ATTACKS ON
PEOPLE, WHILE 100% HAVE BEEN ATTACKS ON THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
( RIM SHOT ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> PRETTY SHOCKING.
IT CAME OUT TO A TOTAL OF 6,000 TWEETS ATTACKING PEOPLE.
EVEN MORE SURPRISING, ONLY 3,000 OF THOSE WERE ABOUT MY EMAILS.
( RIM SHOT ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> JAMES: ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO THIS.
ARE YOU READY?
I'M JAMES CORDEN, SHE'S SECRETARY CLINTON, SHE'S CHELSEA
CLINTON, WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THEIR "BOOK OF GUTSY
WOMEN" LATER ON THE SHOW.
REGGIE, YOU READY?
THIS IS THE "LATE LATE SHOW."
ROLL THE TITLES.