G'day, A.J. Mahari here again gonna respond to another comment on the
channel there are so many and i think i like to do more videos in response to
comments this comment was left a day ago on
my channel on the video i did um some time ago maybe years ago ghosted by
bpd can you be idealized again
so aj that's not me but a person also named aj
um writes in a comment thank you for all your videos aj they have been extremely
therapeutic for me my ex is now in another relationship and
it's been eight to nine months since our breakup
after dating for one to two years
this is her second relationship in that period of time
she has blocked and unblocked me a couple of times
and on social media she has ghosted me months ago when i when i broke no
contact i've been beating myself up for doing
that i should have just left her alone since getting into an since getting into
her new relationship she blocked me again on social media
and aj um in a comment continues um i know it's unhealthy for me to pay
attention to this stuff but i'm still obsessing over it
uh quite a bit because i still love her unfortunately
i hope someday i get to a place where i don't have to watch these videos anymore
yes that's always the hope right um in hopes that they will give me um
closure well and can i just say um aj that the closure comes for people in
their own healing and recovery journeys you can learn a lot hopefully my videos
are helpful for many people but the videos alone can't give you closure
so you need to in tandem with watching videos
you need to also be working on that in your own healing recovery journey
and you said there's just so much but i still cannot
wrap my head around it for the life of me things that happen
in the past and things she is still currently doing
unblocking and blocking me even more in a new relationship
hopefully i will get to the point where i don't
even notice those things anymore or hopefully this time she blocked me
permanently well and again aj what's really
important about that is whether or not you get blocked
permanently you need to continue to work in your own
healing recovery process to understand more there's something you
need to know more about yourself or your past or what
is codependency here for you from what
you're saying that will help you to block her that's
going to be a big piece of you moving forward
that might have blocked you up until now so it's not about
waiting around to see if she will block or unblock you or block you again or not
that's really probably holding up your recovery and
probably contributing to you thinking about her a lot more
even after eight to nine months which is not so uncommon
but it sounds like by not going no contact
and wondering what she's doing like you know you're putting yourself through
even more pain unfortunately and then um the commenter
aj continues i guess my question for you would be like
sorry would be is nine months a long time
to still be pining over someone it seems like it is especially when it's apparent
she moved on a long time ago well it's different for every person
but i would say to be pining missing thinking about especially when you
haven't gotten no contact right because that's difficult but so important about
an x with bpd nine months is not so uncommon so many
people won't be in this many people it isn't nine months worth
of pining and constantly thinking about them but
what really contributes to that too among the
fact you were really hurt you didn't get closure etc
is that you keep um not you know you're getting blocked and unblocked but you're
not blocking her so you need to take care of yourself
perhaps you know i would suggest by blocking her and seeing how that
helps in your process but many people it takes 18 months to
two years minimum to really heal and move on from
these relationships and to find your own closure
in your own healing and recovery process working with someone
so i wouldn't say that nine months is anything quote abnormal unquote but
obviously it's a long time to be feeling what
you're feeling and it's very painful so don't judge
yourself on that though just maybe start to think about action
steps you need to take along with your healing and recovery
journey like i said go no contact block her
and then you will probably find even though that's painful it much not
easier but that it will change over time and in work you know in your
healing it will it will stop you from being as
blocked as it sounds like you might be right now with the focus on her
and then aj the commenter continued i think
um i think all of my friends and family thought that i would be over this by now
well that's understandable because if they haven't been through it they
won't understand it and i can't tell you how common it
common it is for me to hear this from not
every single but almost every single client i've i work with i've ever worked
with over 30 years that you know you people are
still needing to talk about this there's no closure
there's cognitive dissonance confusion a whole lot of pain
and more after being with somebody with bpd that goes to you especially
and then you know what you've already alluded to
that people need to process this people need to learn more about themselves and
i would suggest i think that's what you know you're in a
process but that's what you need to do aj is look at your codependency
and look at why but this isn't all about your ex with bpd
i mean a lot of it is for you but there's something else that's
driving that besides not having gotten no contact
that you need to know more about in a healing and recovery process
inner child healing family abortion work etc
so i think that your friends and family don't really understand they care they
mean the best for you but that can sometimes for people you
know in recovery and healing and with
codependency having a person with bp as an ex
when things things don't usually get resolved for people
in nine months alone and then if you're still talking about it they don't
understand it so don't be hard on yourself understand
they care and just understand that they don't understand
and you said i put myself out there and gone on
some dates and have been going to therapy now since
our breakup but i just can't get this person
out of my head and i can't seem to let go
well i hear you and that's a really difficult place to be but
please know you're not alone in that place aj and also
i would say that going out on dates in the meantime
you might want to rethink that because until unless you really
get to more healing of codependency and no contact go no contact with your
bpdx you're likely to meet another person
with bpd or likely to not be able to see the red
flags and take the optimal care of yourself so
dating before you've even blocked the ex with
bpd dating when you're not over that dating when you're constantly thinking
about them can be a recipe for more people than not
to end up in yet another tumultuous chaotic and very painful relationship
with someone else with bpd and then your last sentence here aj is
i still feel just as wounded as the day we broke up
yeah i'm so sorry to hear that and i think that whoever you are working with
maybe you need to work with someone else maybe there's something about that
process that isn't getting you to the depth of
where you need to go especially on the understanding healing
your codependency and in the recovery from your ex with
bpd but what is it in your childhood in your
family abortion that you need to know more about yourself so you can really
heal and you said thanks for everything you
are a very kind spirit well thank you for your very kind words
um aj and so i would just say that you know it's really important that you
don't be hard on yourself and anyone else in this commenter's
position to not be hard on yourself but to
realize and even if you are in a recovery journey or in therapy
with someone if you're not getting anywhere you have
to maybe sometimes think about working with someone else
because that might be part of the problem and you could get more help
maybe with someone else and that might really help more
and another thing is that you um definitely do as so many people do
still and you don't need to go no contact
i can't emphasize enough for people who are excessive people with bpd
that if there's any contact and especially when they moved on and you
know they blocked and unblocked you or they've
never blocked you and you know the hoover versus reverse
sorry who was in these circumstances they really block recovery
and they're going to keep the bpdx on your mind
at infinitum if you don't do something different which i would advocate first
would be no contact secondly are you are you talking
actively about codependency in your recovery with whoever you're
working with and thirdly if not perhaps
you need to find someone else who could help you in a different way or just
better help you you know in your healing and recovery
because it's not for those who are excess of people with bpd
all of the heartache and all of the pain and especially the longing and the
ruminating not all about that person yes a lot of
it but then there's something else with
with the codependency that you know i'm out here to help
people with that people need to learn and really fully understand
because there's inner child healing work necessary
there's a deeper healing and you need to get to know yourself
better as i've talked about in other videos in order to be
able to really disconnect from the ruminating and the thinking about
the x with bpd because all of it continues for people with
codependency as you've indicated here aj i think your
comment indicates and what you've talked about
it it if you don't go no contact you're not going to get them off your
mind whether you're getting whether you're blocked or unblocked but back and
forth so this is very crucial for people and
there are a lot of people and clients i'm
working with right now there's a lot of people said it in live streams on the
channel a lot of comments on the channel here
where people just might think they're a variety of no contact
or there's sort of no contact but they're not no contact so that's another
thing that i want to underscore that people
really need and why do i keep saying that
because when you're the ex of someone with bpd
and nine months on aj you're still in this pain with this focus you're not
focusing it up on yourself it's difficult but what is the key thing
for people like you and others to know about this when
you accept someone with bpd and why no contact is so very important
is because you cannot have the same perspective
or the same healing trajectory in working with anyone
before you go no contact as you will after you go
no contact and why do i say that because going no contact is one first
large step that's very difficult but it's the big
no it's the realization and making it real that this relationship is over
and that now you need to heal recover and you need to change your focus
and that's really hard for people who are the exes of bpd
i mean there's no closure in these relationships some people have the
stockholm syndrome type thing there's a chemical soup of addiction
there's so many moving pieces to the difficulty and then there's the
codependency and and the level multi-layered levels
of why people can't go no contact why people are so tied in
ruminating and focused on an xspd and yes
often just to reassure you and validate you aj
often after nine months often after a year or longer so it's very
important that people realize and i'm out here to help anybody that resonates
with me on this no contact is so important sometimes
people need help with that alone first and secondly because it's going to
give you after no contact it's going to give you
a widening perspective from which to do
more of your own healing and recovery work
so i hope that was helpful to the commenter and hopeful to other
uh helpful to other people who are in this situation
maybe nine months or even longer after and not chosen no contact yet for
yourself maybe working with someone in a process
of healing recovery but you're being blocked by the very
nature of not going no contact and what else is all involved in what
keeps your your focus on the x with bpd
more than on yourself so i hope that's helpful
and if you haven't already subscribed to the channel please see the little circle
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going to be doing many more live streams you might want a notification to know
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anyone if you resonate with me i have a high effectiveness high
effective rate of success with helping people
after these breakups or being ghosted specifically also
by somebody with bpd and looking at your own codependency in the multi-layered
recovery process that that really is so please hit that subscribe check out
other videos here and i hope that you find the channel
helpful and take the very best care of yourself
that you can now