LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, WELCOME
TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: -- I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU, WHAT GOOD WOULD
IT DO?
I READ THE NEWSPAPERS, I'M SURE YOU DO, TOO.
THINGS ARE GOING A LITTLE ROUGH FOR THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION.
IT'S BEEN NINE MONTHS, AND AT THIS POINT, HE MIGHT HAVE TO
DELIVER HIS AGENDA BY CESAREAN.
( LAUGHTER ) HIS SIGNATURE LEGISLATION, WHICH
PROVIDES UNIVERSAL PRE-K, MEDICARE EXPANSION, AND CLIMATE
PROTECTIONS, HAS BEEN STUCK IN NEGOTIATIONS FOR MONTHS, AND IS
NOW SCALED BACK FROM $3.5 TRILLION TO A REPORTED $1.9
TRILLION.
THEY'RE ALSO SCALING BACK THE BILL'S NAME, FROM BUILD BACK
BETTER TO "ACK!" ( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, COVID'S STILL HANGING AROUND, INFLATION'S TAKING OFF,
THERE'S SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES...
ALL THIS MEANS BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING HAS TANKED TO A NEW LOW
OF 37%.
YIKERS.
TO PUT IT IN CONTEXT, THAT WAS THE PREVIOUS GUY'S RATING RIGHT
AFTER CHARLOTTESVILLE.
IMAGINE BIDEN'S AIDES TELLING THAT TO THEIR BOSS.
"MR. PRESIDENT, POLLS ARE IN, AND GOOD NEWS, YOU'RE HOLDING
STRONG AT 'NAZI SYMPATHIZER'."
FOLKS ARE SAYING THIS IS A MISTAKE FOR BIDEN, THESE FIRST
NINE MONTHS, HE'S HAD A LITTLE BIT OF A ROUGH RIDE HERE, BUT
THIS RIGHT NOW IS A MAKE-OR-BREAK MOMENT FOR BIDEN'S
PRESIDENCY.
HE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING BOLD, INNOVATIVE, UNEXPECTED!
SO YESTERDAY, HE TRAVELED TO HIS HOMETOWN OF SCRANTON,
PENNSYLVANIA.
THAT'S RIGHT!
IT'S TIME TO GO BIG OR GO HOME, AND BIDEN SAID, "LET'S GO HOME!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) LET'S GO, KIDS!
GET IN THE BACK!
DADDY'S DRIVING!
( PIANO RIFF ) BIDEN WAS THERE TO DO SOME P.R.
FOR HIS ECONOMIC PLAN.
BUT HE MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY GOOD POTUS THIS WEEK, BECAUSE HE
ALSO GOT TO TOUR THE ELECTRIC CITY TROLLEY MUSEUM.
AW!
IT'S NICE TO SEE A PRESIDENT IN HIS HAPPY PLACE.
I REMEMBER WHEN RONALD REAGAN TOURED THE JELLY BELLY FACTORY,
AND THEY LET HIM SWIM IN THE BEAN VAT.
WHILE THERE, THE PRESIDENT WAS SHOWN THE MUSEUM'S "TROLLEYS
EXPOSED" EXHIBIT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S THE TROLLEY MUSEUM...
♪♪ AFTER DARK.
MMM, WELCOME.
WELCOME TO TROLLEYS EXPOSED.
GET A GLIMPSE OF THE STEAMIEST LOCOMOTIVES WHO ARE READY TO
TAKE IT ALL ABOARD.
THEY'RE READY TO PUNCH YOUR TICKET.
NEXT STOP, SEX.
AND THEN BALTIMORE."
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THE TOUR, BIDEN GAVE A
SPEECH.
BUT, BEFORE I PLAY IT, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT, OCCASIONALLY
ON OUR SHOW, WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH OUR OLDEST
PRESIDENT BEING, WELL, OLD.
BUT WE TRY TO KEEP THESE JOKES TO A MINIMUM, BECAUSE SENIORS
DESERVE RESPECT FOR ALL THEY DO... TO HELP MY SHOW'S RATINGS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN JOE
MAKES IT SO HARD FOR US TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
>> SCRANTON IS WHERE I PLAYED SHORTSTOP WITH THE GREEN RIDGE
LITTLE LEAGUE, IN THE FIRST YEAR THAT IT WAS PUT UP.
MY DAD HELPED BUILD THE FIELD DOWN THERE.
AND, SPENT A LOT OF TIME AT SIMMEY'S, BUYING PENNY CANDY,
AND HANK'S HOAGIES, ON WOODLAWN STREET
I THINK I WAS TOLD-- I DON'T KNOW THAT IT'S TRUE-- I WAS THE
ONLY KID IN MY-- IN MY YEAR, THAT I WAS ABLE TO WALK ACROSS
THE "LACKY" ON THAT PIPE THAT WAS JUST ABOVE THE THING.
(AS BIDEN) >> STEPHEN: "GROWING UP IN
SCRANTON, I WAS THE FIRST-EVER BOY IN LITTLE LEAGUE.
MY DAD INVENTED HOLDING A STICK.
OUR TEAM WAS THE PINAFORE PONIES.
OUR RIVALS WERE THE BUTTERNUT BOYS!
BACK THEN, THE BALL WAS A HANDFUL OF GRASS.
YOU HAD TO GET A HORSE TO LICK IT TO MAKE IT STICK TOGETHER
PAST THE THIRD INNING.
THAT'S WHEN WE'D PAUSE TO CHASE DOWN THE ICE-TRUCK AND SING A
NAUGHTY LITTLE DITTY GIVIN' THE BUSINESS TO ARCHDUKE FERDINAND!
THEN I'D HOP THE TROLLEY DOWN PAST SCRIMMY'S THIMBLES AND
SCRAMMY'S CRACKERS.
TROLLY ONLY COST TWO PINS AND A RAP ON THE KNUCKLES.
GET HOME JUST BEFORE THE 6:00 GOOSE HONK, WHERE MY BEAUTIFUL
MOTHER WOULD DISH ME UP A HOT PLATE OF GRAVEL 'N NICKELS.
HER EYES WERE LITTLE BUTTONS SEWN ONTO HER FACE.
BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE IT AS BAD AS MY OLD FRIEND BOBBY NO-FEET!
LOST HIS DOGS IN THE FOOT PLAGUE OF '32.
NOW LET'S TALK INFRASTRUCTURE, JACK!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOBBY NO FEET!
OLD BOBBY NO FEET, GOT NO FEET!
( APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS JUST THE TIP OF THE
FOLKS-BERG.
BIDEN ALSO REMINISCED ABOUT ANOTHER GOLDEN AGE PASTIME.
>> WATCHING MOVIES AT THE "ROOSIE" ON THE WEEKEND, AND
TRYING TO REENACT ALL THEY DID AND-- WHEN YOU WATCHED THOSE
MOVIES.
(AS BIDEN) >> STEPHEN: "YEAH, JACK.
WE'D REENACT EVERYTHING THEY DID IN THE MOVIES.
TRAIN PULLING INTO STATION.
HORSE RUNNING.
THAT TIME WE HIT THE POOR OL' MOON IN THE KISSER WITH A
ROCKETSHIP-- FINALLY GOT HIM RIGHT IN THE EYE.
I ALSO LEARNED A COOL TRICK.
WATCH THIS!
'OH, JOEY, YOU'RE SO FRESH!' OH, JOE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
OH, JOE!
BET YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS ME MAKIN' OUT WITH LILLIAN GISH,
DIDN'T YOU, JACK?
BUT IT WAS JUST OL' JOE AND HIS TRAVELIN' HANDS.
HEY, JOE MANCHIN-- IF YOU GET ON BOARD WITH MY BILL, I'LL
TEACH YOU ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES!"
( LAUGHTER ) DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING
ANYMORE.
DOESN'T MATTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRAIN PULLING INTO A STATION.
WE ALSO HAVE SOME NEWS ABOUT OUR FORMER PRESIDENT, THE OLD MAN
AND THE PEE.
LAST NIGHT, HE ANNOUNCED A NEW SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORK, CALLED
TRUTH SOCIAL.
THE MAN WHO TOLD OVER 30,000 LIES IN OFFICE HAS STARTED
SOMETHING CALLED TRUTH.
HE'S ALSO LAUNCHED A NEW MAKE-UP LINE CALLED HUMAN SKIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LOOKS LIFE-LIKE.
LOOKS SUPER LIFE-LIKE.
>> Jon: SUPER LIFE-LIKE.
YEAH, YEAH.
THE SITE WAS BRIEFLY ACCESSIBLE TO THE PUBLIC LAST NIGHT, AND
WAS IMMEDIATELY OVERRUN WITH TROLLS, INCLUDING ONE WHO
STARTED A FAKE ACCOUNT UNDER THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S NAME THAT
POSTED A PHOTO OF A PIG DEFECATING ON ITS OWN SCROTUM.
ARE THEY SURE THAT WAS A FAKE ACCOUNT?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IT FEELS ON-BRAND.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS SETTING UP
HIS OWN STREAMING SERVICE.
WELL, HIS SECOND STREAMING SERVICE.
I HOPE THAT'S RIGHT.
IT WILL BE CALLED TMTG+, BEATING OUT HIS ORIGINAL TITLE:
>> PERSON WOMAN MAN CAMERA TV.
>> STEPHEN: ACCORDING TO THEIR PRESS RELEASE, THEY'LL PROUDLY
BROADCAST NON-WOKE ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAMMING.
THAT'S RIGHT!
NON-WOKE!
IF YOU CAN STAY AWAKE, YOU GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S GOING TO FEATURE -- ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S GOING TO FEATURE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S FAVORITES LIKE "WHO
WANTS TO SPANK A MILLIONAIRE?" "THE UN-MASKED SINGER," AND
"ONLY FASCISTS IN THE BUILDING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW IN A
NEW BOOK, SAYING HIS ELDEST SON DON JR. IS GOING TO BE VERY
SUCCESSFUL IN POLITICS, CLAIMING "THERE ARE CERTAIN PLACES WHERE
HE COULDN'T BE BEATEN."
FOR INSTANCE, THE ANNUAL NATHAN'S COCAINE-SNORTING
CONTEST.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO
DEFENDED HIS SON ERIC, CLAIMING "HE GETS TREATED TERRIBLY, JUST
TERRIBLY.
I THINK HE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE."
(AS ERIC) "YOU TELL 'EM, POPS.
I WANT A NORMAL LIFE!
THREE WIVES, ONE PORN STAR, AND 20 CREDIBLE ACCUSATIONS OF
ASSAULT, JUST LIKE DEAR OLD DAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS NORMAL?
HUGS.
I'M THE ONE WHO POSTED THE PIG."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN OTHER DOUCHE NEWS, THERE'S MORE TROUBLE FOR FLORIDA
REPRESENTATIVE AND ELVIS PRESLEY'S IDIOT COUSIN, MATT
GAETZ.
GAETZ IS REPORTEDLY UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR VIOLATING
FEDERAL SEX TRAFFICKING LAWS, AFTER HE MET A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL
ON THE WEBSITE "SEEKING ARRANGEMENT," AND NOW
PROSECUTORS ARE "SEEKING ARRAIGNMENT."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'VE ALREADY GOTTEN A
GUILTY PLEA FROM GAETZ CRONY AND MAN WITH RESTING GROPE HANDS,
JOEL GREENBERG.
GREENBERG WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SENTENCED NEXT MONTH, BUT
PROSECUTORS ASKED A JUDGE TO DELAY THAT, BECAUSE GREENBERG
WAS GIVING THEM EVEN MORE DIRT.
ONE PROSECUTOR TOLD THE JUDGE, THE INFORMATION PROVIDED BY
GREENBERG "TAKES US PLACES WE AREN'T ANTICIPATING."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO, OVER-AGE DATING?
YOU KNOW, THE KIND YOU SEE IN THE MAGAZINE "VERY LEGAL."
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE THE STARS OF "DUNE."
TIMOTHEÉE CHALAMET AND ZENDAYA!
WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!
JOIN US!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪