One of the things that break my heart the most when I start working with a new client is the
level of shame, guilt and self-judgement that so many people have about their sexual desires and
fantasies. I have worked with clients who were tortured beyond belief by their sexual
fantasies and preferences: by the desire to be dominated by a woman, to be humiliated,
to kiss and pleasure her feet and many, many more. The problem is that society tells us that we're
only meant to experience desire and arousal in a very particular, linear and prescribed manner.
And if you don't fall within these indicated norms, you become a pervert or a deviant. Well,
today I'm going to tell you what's really behind your sexual fantasies. My name is Helena Nista
and I make videos that help you have the best sex of your life. And today we're chatting about your
sexual fantasies and what they mean. Popular media is full of sex which is very vanilla.
And don't get me wrong, vanilla sex is awesome and I love it! But you typically won't see any movies
or scenes that portray kinks, fetishes, BDSM or any other sexual activities and preferences that
fall outside of the norm. Although "Fifty shades of Grey" did go there which was nice to see.
However, for most of us having sexual kinks or fetishes still feels like a dirty little
secret that should never, ever be revealed... Unless you're speaking to your sex therapist.
Anyways, because of that perceived standard that the popular media is creating,
you might not be aware that the majority of the population of the planet is kinky. Yes, most of us
have some kind of a desire that falls outside of the vanilla sex standard. And guess what - there's
nothing wrong with that! Some of us desire spanking, some enjoy occasional choking, some love
role-playing and dress-ups. Others go to sex parties and participate in group sex situations,
etc. etc. And none of these desire mean that there's something wrong with you or with your
sexuality. Human sexual expression is rich, varied and complex. We get turned on by different things
and we need different things and activities to reach states of sexual arousal and satisfaction.
We're not all meant to love vanilla sex and that's fine. Vanilla sex is just one form of
sexual expression. Yes, one of many! But what I find most interesting about all of these different
sexual fantasies is how they're created and where they come from. Because understanding that crucial
bit can give us a lot of understanding around our kinks and how we can use them to our advantage -
to create much better sex. In most cases, these sexual fantasies are born in our childhood.
Many revolve around some kind of wounding or lack that we experienced in our early lives.
The fairly popular foot fetish can be created when you're crawling on the floor as a baby,
yearning for your mother's love. If she's too busy or impatient for you, you'll keep seeing her feet
walking toward or away from you and you might associate the yearning for love with her feet.
In later life this can become translated into sexual fascination with women's feet or shoes.
Another possible case where an unusual sexual fantasy can be created is when we experience
a profound arousal while something else is happening. We then subconsciously pair these two
potentially unrelated things together and voila! - we create a kink. For example, let's say another
kid tackles you in the schoolyard and and he's wearing gumboots at the time. Somehow your body
decides to create arousal, potentially caused by the physically intense touch of your bodies
together. And in that intense emotional state of arousal, possibly shock, guilt or confusion,
all you can focus on are his gumboots. Your subconscious mind steps in and pairs these
two things together - arousal and gumboots. And you end up with a lifelong fetish for gumboots.
The problem here is that we have no idea what to do about these desires and the more we try
to suppress them and deny them expression, the more tormented and frustrated we feel. The first
thing I do in such cases in my sessions, is to normalize the sexual fantasy. As long as it's
seen as this scary or shameful monster, it's very difficult to deal with. But after a bit of digging
and questioning, I can usually understand fairly quickly where that sexual fantasy came from and
what particular event or situation created it. Once we understand our sexual kinks,
we can look at them differently, we can change our perspective. And we can either embrace them
as a healthy and enjoyable part of our sex lives, or we can look at the underlying story or event
and heal the hurt or wounding that brought this fantasy to life. Now, unpacking and understanding
these desires and fantasies can be tricky. So, seeking help from a professional therapist can be
a really good idea. Please also remember that not all fantasies need to be expressed. Some of them
can happily live forever in our heads, serving purely to fuel our arousal. A common fantasy
among women involves rape. This kind of fantasy is usually created by sexual repression, by guilt
and shame about our sexual desires. A woman who for the reasons of religion, social pressure,
strict upbringing, etc. doesn't feel free to express herself sexually, might subconsciously
create a rape fantasy to lessen her guilt when masturbating or being sexual. This way women can
remove some of the responsibility for the erotic scenario in their heads. After all, they can't be
blamed for being raped. So it's completely up to us whether we act on our fantasies or not, whether
we embrace them and incorporate them into our sex lives or whether we keep them purely in our heads.
Whether we unpack them and address the underlying event, or whether we never dig this deep. What
really matters is that we heal the guilt, shame and embarrassment about our sexual fantasies.
Because someone tying up their partner in bed, licking their toes, pouring hot wax all over
their body, etc. is no more perverted than someone having sex in a missionary position every night.
They just express their sexuality differently. There is really just one cardinal rule when
it comes to any erotic activity and that is: consenting adults are involved. Meaning: everybody
involved is an adult and each person is a 'hell yeah!' to whatever is going on. I heard somewhere
that the biggest STD's (sexually transmitted diseases) are guilt and shame. And I agree!
Is it time to heal them? Hell to the yes it is! Are you in? I hope that you are. So if you dare,
share your sexual fantasy in the comments below. And if you'd rather not, drop me a 'hell yeah!'
in the comments to support the global healing of sexual repression. I do love reading your comments
and I always respond to them personally. I hope that you enjoyed this video. And if you did,
please leave me a 'Like', a comment and subscribe to get access to all of my new,
sexy tips, tools and advice. Please also check out my free online course Tantra for Beginners,
available through the link in the description below. Thank you so much for sticking with me
until the end. Have a sexy, magical day and I will see you next time!