Hey guys, welcome back.
Safe space here on our
tentative about You Tube page.
Ryan Bass here with you going
to take a different approach to
this episode of Saved Space.
Here we're going to talk about relationships.
I've titled this fighting is healthy,
but we're going to break it up
into a couple of parts here.
We're going to talk with two
therapists who were just excellent
to really get to know and
discuss relationship issues with.
You're going to get a chance to
meet Katie DuMont and Cat or Donia,
both at Attalla counseling that's
based in Lakeland.
So right here in the Tampa Bay
area and both of them have done.
Extensive work in this area
in terms of relationships and
relationship issues with Kat.
She's a counselor.
Licensed Medical health counselor
here in the Tampa Bay region.
She's done a lot of work on non
judgmental therapy and specifically
dealing with relationships and
confidence with themselves,
their personal goals or
their professional goals.
And Katie is really interesting too.
She's been 25 years working
with individuals and couples.
People that have struggled
with relationships, depression,
anxiety and truly working
with codependency here.
And improving relationships,
coping and quality of life.
So it's going to be a really interesting
perspective to speak with both of
these ladies about relationship issues,
and we're going to focus on
something really specific here.
The first is the one bad,
bad part of the relationship.
The one thing you never want to reach,
which is contentment.
We're going to talk a little bit about that.
And then four ways to get better at fighting.
So what do I mean about that?
We're going to go through four
ways that you and your partner can
develop a deeper kind of love and
a deeper kind of relationship.
Make sure that you guys can mend
some of the issues we're having,
so really excited to have you here
for this edition of Space Safe Space
will have another edition next week as well,
but let's start off for
part one of fighting is
healthy with Katie and cat.
All this really leads to the big bad,
which is contempt.
Once contempt starts to set in,
and as president,
that's a that's a really big red
flag for the for the relationship,
right? And
that's the thing.
I think that they say that's the
one that they look for the most,
and that's where you see
a lot of the sarcasm.
The eye rolling the basically it's
the statement that I am better
than you in in the relationship.
And when that starts to set in
that's that's kind of the death
sentence of the relationship.
If you can't move outside of that
contempt, I want to focus on
that for a second, because that.
And I'm glad that I didn't cut you off there,
'cause that really hit home it for that
to be basically the the death sentence.
That is what what can
ultimately end the relationship.
I can I get both of you to
expand on that for a second,
because I think that's something
that people can grab onto contempt,
being something that you don't want to get
a place you don't want
to be in right? Sure, so
if if. If you're in a relationship and
you're in that little fight of you know
why didn't you do the dishes?
Like I told you, you didn't put them in
the dishwasher the way I like and your
and the partners like well.
Oh my gosh. Yeah. You know that right?
There just shows so much contempt for
what your partner is saying to you,
even though that's a criticism.
You start to feel less than you start
to feel like this person doesn't
care about you or or love you,
and so it's it's I.
I've heard it said before
it's death by 1000 cuts.
And so the more you get that sarcasm,
the eye rolling the.
That contemptuous, you know, and it
goes remarks it could be comments like
you mentioned with always and never well.
I guess you know,
I I can never do anything right.
Or you know that real sarcasm or
or even a taking that further.
Very hurtful, verbally abusive statements
you know about a person's appearance
or or weight or their their role
as a wife or a husband or a parent.
If you would clean the house better.
Yeah, maybe I'd come home.
Or you know, if the house was clean
like I like it or all sorts of really,
really deeply critical and
hurtful intentionally,
I think is is another part of that.
How do you
avoid? How do you avoid contempt?
That's it, that's I'm sure that's a.
Obviously I could tell
that's a loaded question,
and there's a lot of layers to that.
But so let me let me let
me break it down this way,
'cause I I think I said this to.
You guys are four ways to be
better at fighting, right?
And I wanted to get 2 from each of you.
Does that fall into the same category as
trying to avoid contentment?
And how to get better at that?
Yeah, I think so.
I think I think. First of all,
the biggest thing is to number one.
Recognize what you're doing.
Yeah, right. As soon as
you recognize I have some
of these. Behaviors and I need to
change these behaviors because my
relationship is important to me.
That's where the change
starts to occur, right?
It's not about what my partner is doing,
it's about how I can change because
you can't control them. You can
only control yourself, right? So
one. Way that we start to kind of
breakdown some of this you need to do
this and you need to do that and the that
sort of pattern is to start with the I
statements instead of the use statements.
You know. I feel anxious when.
Money gets spent and I don't
know where it's going.
I feel uncared for unloved or
lonely when I'm home all day and.
You're not here.
Things statements like that that
expressed the feeling behind.
What's the topic that you've
chosen to be upset about?
I like that switching from the the
the you to the I statements right
and and not not basically pointing
the finger at that person but
revealing some of the some of the
struggles that you're going through.
Some of the things that you're
battling and fighting with and and
coming to terms with that cat.
Did you have a few that
you wanted to give to?
Yeah, I like taking a break.
I think that's something
that people breaking up
or like taking a break from the OK, I
just wanted to make sure.
No, it's a mixture like so when
when people are in an argument,
you're physiologically your
body is in fight or flight mode,
which is the same thing that's occurring.
If you're having a panic attack,
or if you're extremely anxious,
your heart rate goes up,
your paws might get sweaty,
have stomach ache,
you're short of breath, you,
you know you're turning red you're
you can't hear you can't take
in information as well as you
could if you were not in that
fight or flight mode, right?
And so that inevitably is.
No good for having any type
of constructive conversation,
So what needs to happen at that point?
Which Katie and I both like to use?
Little pulse ox measurements and
sessions sometimes and will will
have them on people who are starting
to argue or get a raised voice.
And once those alarms go off
once your heart rates over 100,
that's tech guardic.
That's when we need to take a moment,
usually about 20 to 30 minutes,
maybe not in session,
but you know,
people are in their home or wherever
to just cool off.
That's really hard for a pursuer.
It's very easy for a distance are right.
That's like the dream,
so this could be just flowing into
different rooms and putting something
on the TV or like going for a
walk or sitting outside or doing a
chore or something that you can do.
That's repetitive 20 to 30 minutes.
Your body is going to return to its baseline.
You're going to be able to take
in information again,
which is really the goal you know
to for both people involved and.
I mentioned this earlier about there
being perpetual problems about what is it?
69% of conflict.
Within relationships or unresolvable.
69 so nearly. Nearly 70% of
conflict you can't resolve, correct?
Why would that? I mean,
that sounds astronomically high. Why is
that the case sound high,
but you're two different people.
I mean, when I think part of the
issue is like with Katie said,
what's the intention and what's the
outcome that you're hoping for, right?
If it's to get that person
completely to agree with you,
that's unlikely to happen right?
Because we come from different backgrounds,
different families,
different attachment styles,
different families of origin that might
create who we become as adults, right?
So it would be.
Unreasonable to you know,
believe that there would be absolutely no
conflict or all conflict is repairable.
I have an example.
I you know I like yoga and my
husband likes mountain biking.
Do not like being outside if I can help it.
Nature doesn't like me.
My husband is not flexible.
He doesn't like yoga.
He tried for years to like,
oh, come on,
you know you'll love it if you
come out on the trails with me.
And no, he would not be so we kept
butting heads until finally were like what?
What are we doing here?
Like we're we're just continuing
to argue about the same things.
Instead, accept the fact that I like yoga.
He likes mountain biking.
I'll.
Get him some gear or whatever
and he'll get me.
You know something for yoga or yoga
class or gift certificate or something
like that and we can support each
other's hobbies and what we enjoyed.
And maybe we can come to a
compromise on 1/3 activity.
Going for a walk with our
son outside for a short walk.
And outside in the nature and
maybe cooking or five 510 minute,
what exactly?
What can we do 'cause we
love spending time together?
So what can we do and what can we
agree on UM and that that may be
something that some couples can do,
and for other couples they might
be OK with not having that,
that activity or something like that so.