As the coronavirus would say,
"Let's start with China."
Ever since Covid-19 emerged from Wuhan,
suspicions about its origins have been rampant.
And today the U.S. Department of Homeland Security
leaked a report that when the outbreak started,
the Chinese government hid the severity of the problem
in order to hoard medical supplies
before other countries could stock up.
And I should have known that China was up to no good!
'Cause my fortune cookie tried to warn me.
Those messages, man-- they're always so vague.
Yeah, I just watched Little Fires Everywhere.
Basically, you know what China's being accused of?
Is doing that thing that your shitty friend does
where they call you from a party like,
"Hey, don't bother coming to this party. No one's here."
And then, later you on, you see a selfie
where they posted themselves sitting at a table
with Rihanna and the cast of Stranger Things,
and you're like, "What the hell?!"
"Oh, it just happened, and I forgot to call you.
"There was nobody, and then there was everybody.
Ha, ha. I wish you were there."
In other news, one of the biggest winners
of the coronavirus pandemic has been Amazon,
the world's largest online retailer, and the only store
where you can get baby food and a dildo in the same order.
But while Jeff Bezos's net worth has gone up billions,
the people on the ground in his company
are having a terrible time.
With infections spreading through Amazon warehouses
faster than Prime delivery,
employees are demanding more protective equipment
and sanitizer, as well as hazard pay
and paid sick leave, which seems fair.
And now, one prominent
Amazon vice president has quit in disgust,
saying that the company has created a climate of fear
by firing protesting workers
instead of addressing their concerns,
a move that he described as "chicken shit."
And I'm not gonna lie. This guy definitely has balls,
because most of us wouldn't dare call Amazon "chicken shit."
I mean, they've got your home address, and
can leak your entire shopping history.
So I would never mess with them 'cause then everyone would know
that I bought a dildo and baby food,
which is so embarrassing, 'cause I don't... I don't have a baby.
I just like the texture.
But props to this guy for calling Amazon "chicken shit,"
which is a great insult and something you can also buy
on Amazon. They really do sell everything.
Moving on, if you've been getting bored with coronavirus,
and you wish there was anything else going on to think about,
well, be careful what you wish for.
WOMAN: Killer hornets invading the U.S. and Canada.
Asian giant hornets also known as "Murder Hornets,"
spotted in Washington state.
And they prey on honeybees that pollinate much of our food.
These hornets grow up to two inches long,
roughly five times the size of a bee.
And in Japan where they originate,
they reportedly kill up to 50 people each year.
Their giant stingers capable of piercing a beekeeper's suit.
The mandibles-- there we go, you can sort of see them--
are pretty large.
Um, they're very, very sharp.
And that's what they use to decapitate bees,
and then they'll mash up the thorax
into a... into a "meatball," they call it,
and fly it back to feed to their larvae.
What...
the actual (bleep)?
Murder hornet? Murder hornet?
I want to go back to the days
when the craziest animal thing was Keyboard Cat.
How do they do that, by the way?
'Cause it was playing, and it was actually pretty good.
Because right now, 2020 Mother Nature is out of control.
A killer virus is one thing, but murder hornets?
Sounds like someone is just combining the scariest words.
I mean, what's next? Nunchuck wolves?
(growling)
Okay, I was picturing more like wolves holding nunchucks,
but I mean, I guess that would be weird, too.
Honestly, these murder hornets just sounds like psychos.
They cut off the heads of bees and then they mash up the thorax
into a meatball and fly it back to feed their larvae.
I thought only Rudy Giuliani fed his family that way. Ugh.
And if you ask me,
these hornets are just being unnecessarily petty.
Just going around decapitating bees.
How about some unity, huh?
Bee best.
(chuckles): Get it? "Bee."
It's day 49, guys-- I'm... I'm struggling.
And finally, over the past few weeks,
rumors have been swirling over the health of Kim Jong-un,
North Korean dictator and disgraced former member
of the Teletubbies.
Well, now, after tons of speculation
about whether he was dead or sick
or in a medically induced food coma,
the Dear Leader has reemerged.
NEWSWOMAN: For 20 days, the world wondered,
"Where is Kim Jong-un?"
-(speaking Korean) -Now North Korea's state media
airing footage appearing to show
the country's mysterious leader
visiting a newly completed fertilizer plant.
Joined by his trusted sister Kim Yo-jong.
President Trump appears to have confirmed
that Kim Jong-un is indeed alive and well.
The president tweeting, "I, for one,
am glad to see he is back and well."
Yeah. Of course Trump is happy Kim Jong-un is back.
(like Trump): Thank God.
I'm no longer definitely the worst person on earth.
Now it's debatable again.
By the way, if you ever have to use the phrase "I, for one,"
it means you're about to suggest some messed-up shit.
It's never something good. It's always something like,
"Well, I, for one, think we should leave the dead prostitute
in the trunk, and go to the casino as we planned."
But yeah, according to North Korean media,
Kim Jong-un is alive and well
and didn't have any type of surgery.
And personally, I don't know why I wouldn't believe him.
He looks like the same old Kim to me.
Now, I know that some people are saying that North Korea
could have aired old footage of him,
but the truth is, with North Korea,
there's no way to tell.
That country's 30 years behind the rest of the world.
Kim Jong-un could come out, like,
"If I weren't alive right now, how could I be holding
this brand-new VHS of Terminator 2? Huh?"
So, it looks like that's the end
of the Kim Jong-un death speculation for now.
And I'll be honest, I almost feel bad for the guy.
Imagine your health was so bad
that every time you stayed in the house to chill,
people were like: (gasps) He dead.