G'day, A.J. Mahari here welcome back or welcome to the channel relationships with people with
borderline personalities or especially untreated and how they really are on the part of people
with bpd an unconscious setup of not only the person that they're going to relate to love bomb
and idealize and that person you know usually when you're that person or you've been that
person you don't know what's going on right in the beginning you might not ever heard of bpd
and so this setup that is unconscious on the part of people with bpd it's gonna really hurt you
and it's it also really hurts them but here's the thing it's there from the moment
that you meet it's there from the moment that a relationship dating and a relationship
begins because due to the repetition compulsion cycles deeply ingrained in the unconscious
mind of people with untreated borderline personal eye disorder every beginning of a relationship in
any type is also the beginning of the end of the repetition compulsion on the part people bp
which is an unconscious process of relational rupture the reality that as i've talked about
the impossibility of being in relationship to an untreated borderline or having a relationship with
an untreated borderline is an impossibility and so people will take their own time
and and be devastated in so many ways to come to this realization is i know many people have
many people are still in the the beginnings of trying to work on how to heal from all this and
and realizing that that you use codependency on their part and like on your part and what does
that really mean and and some people are aware of that before these relationships and when they they
eventually rupture because all relationship but all relationships of people with untreated bpd
are there's really no other way to put it but they're doomed from the get-go which nobody you
know on the on the non-borderline i can understand or could know or foresee and people untreated with
bpd this is such an unconscious repetition compulsion from their childhood and what the
mental illness has to do with but what more the point the trauma that is the mental illness forms
and and what that means is like again like i said in live stream last night there are
the the loss of self the the arrested emotional development and the reality that people with bpd
really untreated do not understand what they're experiencing they're they're experiencing a lot
a lot of triggers a lot of wanting to be loved a lot of trying to get into relationship but
they don't understand where all their limitations are and why
and and those are limitations that can be changed and healed and in in long-term therapy and not be
limitations anymore but so from the get-go of all of the beginnings of all of these relationships
with untreated people with bpd they unconsciously you know not consciously known to them have a
repetition compulsion that in one way or the other must must end in relational rupture whether it's
that you leave them or they go ghost or discard you it's based on what happened in in early
childhood in infancy really it goes all the way back to not being able to attach in any secure way
if at all to the feeling abandoned the being abandoned often but the feeling it comes at so
you're such a young age when there's misattunement in effect synchrony and when the mother isn't
mirroring back what the child needs to develop and that infants see mother's face as the world and
mother is the first object and when that goes awry it's a relational rupture right there could happen
for an infinite a week of age it could happen um at three weeks or four weeks or six months of age
and and it's not going to be anything that shows in the outside it's not going to be anything
that a young human infant is going to be aware of in any cognitive way uh really any emotional way
it's just it's a biological threat to survival and that's why there's that psychological
loss of cell to the otherwise bursting authentic self and this arrested development
as human beings there's there's a considerable amount of fragility to what it means to be human
especially to be a human infant and then a young toddler and a young child and in the stages of
early childhood development each stage and phase completed successfully achieved successfully with
the support of a healthy caregiving parent healthy parent is what's required because
if a child doesn't get through you know this stage and then the next day the first
stage the second stage or third stage of early childhood development well then they're gonna
experience emotional arrested development whereby they just don't make it through the
rest of those early childhood stages of development so the repetition compulsion
and people with borderline personality is this relating relationship trying to get to be in a
relationship with somebody or any type of form of relationship is going to trigger
them back to the early childhood experience that they have no recall in memory of but it
is sort of trauma at this point it's housed in the body but the thing with that is it's going to be
in their unconscious it's not going to be in their conscious awareness and so it sets up both people
with bpd untreated and it sets up the partner also the non-borderline in ways that no neither
can conceivable and until unless people of bp get to therapy and get a lot of significant treatment
in a psychodynamic modality they're never going to become aware of this so the beginning of every
relationship with a person with untreated bpd brings with it the idealization phase
but also an idealization brings with it something not so experienced or seen by others and maybe
for a time temporarily not felt by the person with bpd but comes this connecting or trying to connect
let alone trying to get intimate or feel your love or take in your love which they can't do even just
being in that territory in that region of the way they'll try it's a recipe for not only relational
impossibility but disaster because it is the beginning of the end and who could know that
when you think about bpd idealization who could you you know the non-born line can't know that
and the untreated borderline doesn't know that either it's going to go back to the very primal
woundedness and there's where the repetition compulsion lies deep in the you know unconscious
mind and an awareness of people with bpd so each and every relationship is actually really doomed
from the start for both parties and nobody knows that on a conscious level and then people kind of
wonder later because you can't know it people bp and treated don't know it but anytime they
try to attach and they don't attach do you make no mistake about it if they're untreated anytime they
try to love and they don't really love you in any adult healthy reciprocal uh age-appropriate way
and anytime they try to be loved or be attached to there's no self there to take that in
and it becomes just an incredible threat to them which triggers them back to that primal
what is for many people with bpd was the first trauma bond but it was so severe
that they had to protect themselves in in ways infants can't protect themselves a lot but they
had to set things aside really is the way john bradshaw puts it at first and then because there's
nothing else that an infant can do with an angry face or with a misattuned face of mother the world
the caregiver the first love object it all goes awry right there and so in these relationships
as much as they show promise and people get the untreated people bpd don't know this consciously
and not borderlines aren't going to have a clue in the beginning you just you can't know this
so but what i i hope it will be informative to you to think about it in retrospect which is
obviously the most painful way to find out about this but it might help explain it to people that
this isn't even people with untreated borderline personality disorder it's not their fault either
now a lot of their behavior what they might do in a relationship is that yes they need to be
held accountable responsible for that even if they don't know how to take that responsibility
or accountability but as to the way that the relationships when they begin are destined to be
ruptured destined to blow apart one way or another sooner or later because it's the repetition
compulsion of the primal core woundedness of people with borderline personality disorder and
they don't know that so it's not some conscious setup but what i am really trying to impart here
is that all relating relationships relationship types of somebody with untreated bpd
even a family member a sibling a friend a favorite person anybody in any relationship type and
especially in significant other relationships but it happens across all relationship types
is going to experience like even the friends they're going to largely in this untreated uh
percentage of people with bpd male or female the relationships begin under the cloud
of guaranteed repetition compulsion to relational rupture it's all that people with bpd untreated
and more severely affected but even in mid-range being affected it's all they've experienced
and it's all they know how to do because they the defenses are so unconscious to start with
and splitting is the major defense of those with borderline personality disorder and there are
narcissistic defenses in borderline personality disorder and splitting could be seen as one of
those because narcissists also split not the same as people with bpd though the whole thing isn't
driven motivated the same and etc just know that in your relationship or your past
relationship or if you're the adult child of a parent and you're like struggling to try you know
you you might need to go no contact but you're struggling because you don't want to do that and
it that's a whole you know very painful process unto itself and i'm out here to work with people
and healing and recovery from these these aspects and these relationships if you resonate
with me but all relationships with untreated borderlines are a setup an unconscious setup
that affects both the person with ppd and the non-borderline in any relationship type because
all they have learned in childhood is the horror and the trauma of of not being able to attach
of being abandoned of not getting through the early stages of childhood development even in a
bruised up way they don't get their they don't get through it at all so relational rupture is
the ultimate repetition compulsion defense in borderline personality disorder and it can be
changed and it can be unlearned and other other ways of dating can be learned but that's what
takes 8 to 16 years of treatment and in a recovery process and healing process from
borderline personality i hope this makes sense and gives you maybe a basis of understanding that
there's no way it was your fault if you're the non-borderline partner
or a sibling or a family member or adult child and you just can't continue to be in contact
with that person anymore you just can't stay in whatever the relationship type is
anymore because you were set up but they also were set up because it's an unconscious
repetition compulsion of ruptured relationship ruptured redating that happens to them
very very young and creates very rigid bounded narcissistic infantile defenses and then they're
going to get triggered every time they try to attach or you're you're feeling attached to them
or they're trying to love or you are loving them and they can't take it in this is why
there is never the accomplishment the completion or the achievement of emotional intimacy with an
untreated borderline they don't get your love they don't feel your love that's not what causes the
splitting because it's the very nature of this primal woundedness this repetition compulsion
that is destined to rupture relationally inside people with bp on an unconscious level
that and the lack of self they can't possibly take in your love to a point or or be really
emotionally have intimacy in any way shape or form and it threatens their absolute survival
because it triggers them back to when they thought their survivor was literally biologically felt
to be in jeopardy the unconscious setup that every relationship of the borderline untreated
for both people neither of whom knows this is going to result in radiational ruptures sooner
or later it's it's just unavoidable and so maybe this can help somebody
from you know not reverse hoovering and not allowing them to hover you back and to realize
the gravity and the reason why you really need to go no contact even though it's pretty painful
and this might be really hard to hear i hope it helps people understand and this setup by
the way is not something people bp do consciously at all it's repetition compulsion primal defense
mechanisms it's like when they were mounting the need to we need what we need from that caregiver
from mother or that first you know object other and when that goes awry then and then there's
like attachment doesn't happen there's a trauma bond right there and it's a relational rupture
and they can't do anything but repeat that in repetition compulsion compassion which is
unconscious and they cannot change that unless until they go and get a tremendous amount of
therapy