An arrest warrant has been issued
for Odell Beckham Jr.
He was spanking a cop--
did you see this after the college championship game?
Let's go to the videotape if you don't believe me.
(indistinct chatter)
Evening!
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
(bleep), man.
So, he went up and slapped the cop in the butt,
and, first of all, my thoughts are,
Odell is... famous, great football player,
but he was in New York, then he moved to Cleveland,
where it's not as exciting, you know?
They don't even... they don't have Internet there.
-They don't? -I don't think so.
And, uh, uh, I think the-- oh, here's a play-by-play
of what happened.
ANNOUNCER: Odell Beckham Jr. sees his opening.
He's going deep, and holy cow, a one-handed grab!
OBJ is in the end zone!
This guy doesn't know what just hit him,
but the crowd is going to jail!
-(laughter) -He was charged with assault and flattery.
(laughter)
The guy had a great ass.
-The cop did? -Yes. -That's something,
there are some spaces where there is just, like...
In addition to being a comedian, I'm also a creepy gay guy
-and a lawyer, so... -(laughter)
there are some places where there's implied consent.
Like, if you go to a football locker room
or a gay bar on Pride, and you don't want your ass touched,
go somewhere else or get a worse ass.
-(laughter) -SPADE: Mm-hmm. -So funny.
-Yeah. -(cheering, applause)
-And... -Yes?
there is a gay bar called The Locker Room, so...
LIZZY: That's true. That's... When I watch this,
I'm like, is that a bad thing that that happened?
I'm like, this happens to me every Wednesday night
in the locker room after Zumba class.
-(laughter) -I'm like, "24 Hour Fitness, you guys.
Ask for Vanessa."
-(laughter) -Ask for Vanessa.
Yeah, I, you know, Odell...
Oh, he also was, uh, he sort of turned into the story,
which I thought was o...
You know, he is a bit of a "showboater," we call him.
And he did that, and then he also was handing out money
to the players, which can mess with their eligibility.
Here, show that video, wherever it showed.
He's walking around after the game
just handing hundreds.
-McHALE: Well.. -And... Go.
They... well, yeah, I mean, they should pay college players.
-So, uh... -Well, yeah, that's a different...
Yeah, I do agree with you. I don't know
if they should be paid that little, whatever he gave them.
-Maybe if... -(laughter)
True.
-Great game. Here's a fifty. -But maybe if the Browns
had had a good season, no one would care.
-(laughter, groans) -Yeah.
Yeah, again. I get it. Yes.
-That is definitely worth a "ooh." -The "Too Soon" guy.
-Really. -(laughter)
-Yes, Guy. -Oh, I just wanted to leave.
I didn't know we were actually going to talk about football.
-So you want to leave? -That's funny.
Okay. Well...
It's like... it's like, when you compare this,
like, no, you should never touch someone without their consent,
but when, you know, the rest of the NFL,
they're throwing women out of windows,
they're trading children for firearms and boats.
-This is quaint by comparison. -(laughter)
Yeah, I guess you're right.
We will move on. That is true, though.
So, America's favorite doctor--
you guys know about doctors, I hope.
-LIZZY: Yeah. -Okay, uh, Dr. Oz.
You know him. We all know him.
He believes in skipping breakfast. Fine.
But movie star and perfect-life representative Mark Wahlberg
says, uh, he saw this, he disagrees, because, remember,
he started off with Marky Mark and the Funky Brunch.
(laughter, cheering)
Do I continue the show, or is that it?
So now Dr. Oz wants to settle it with a push-up contest.
LIZZY: That's insane.
I feel like, it's like, why wouldn't he want to do
something he's good at, like lying to the general public?
-McHALE: Wow. -SPADE: Oh!
-I think I just... -SPADE: Is that a hot take on Dr. Oz?
-Yeah. -COOPERMAN: That's a hot take on Dr. Oz.
Showing people what their poop should look like.
-COOPERMAN: Exactly. -He's great at that.
The thing is I used to give in to all of it.
Like, I took the garcinia cambogia pills.
I signed up for it.
I'm, like, so disappointed in Dr. Oz.
-SPADE: Oh. -McHALE: Oh.
I feel like he's-he's... It's bad science.
It's like he's been reading his own articles or something.
-He's been following his own advice. -I just want to know
who this guy is with two samurai swords standing there.
Mark, your samurai class. You're late.
I-I would like to volunteer my services
to act as referee for this competition
because I am an expert in both eating breakfast
and looking at Mark Wahlberg shirtless.
(laughter)
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah.
He's cutting up his abs to make him look good.
He's so muscular.
I feel like his face is just, like, an ab.
He has no distinguishing features.
I can't tell him apart from the rest of the Funky Bunch.
I-I know him, and I can tell you.
He can't grow any hair, but below, it is...
-SPADE: Bush? -It's Australia down there.
SPADE: Ba-Babushka?
-It's on fire? -Yeah. -Show his workout.
Here's his breakfast.
Here's when he eats breakfast at (bleep), like, 2:00 a.m.
-(Branum gasps) -SPADE: Yeah. So, he eats breakfast at 3:15.
So, he does...
This is my workout for the year, by the way.
-BRANUM: I-I love stuff like this. -COOPERMAN: Yeah.
And also, shouldn't this schedule just be
"hGH, hGH, hGH"?
-McHALE: Yeah. -SPADE: That's what mine is.
"Cryorecovery."
What happened so bad in cryo?
-They... -I like the quick golf game.
Half hour.
I... Does he run out of the shower wet, or how...
The shower's an hour and 15 minutes.
I don't...
SPADE: I'm getting winded just reading that.
I-I realize how (bleep) lazy I am.
I'm gonna cc everybody.
-I'll get you a copy. -And still he's five-one, so...
No.
I'm sorry. That... I get it.
That's too close. No, 'cause it...
-That's why people sympathize with Marky Mark. -Yeah.
That would make me three-three, so I hope...
I hope he's not five-one.