Of course, last night was the Academy Awards,
and hashtag #OscarsSoAsian?
[cheering]
Hell, yeah, that's right!
That's right.
It was an incredible night for the Asian-American community.
So many Asian artists won and thanked their parents,
which was like, so nice.
Although honestly, if their parents
are anything like mine, they were probably just like, OK.
Let's move on from movies to music,
and some big news for a hot new artist.
A new song credited to Donald Trump
and the J6 Choir is now topping the iTunes music chart,
"Justice for All" features the former President, along
with a group of men in prison for the January
6 attack on the Capitol.
(SINGING) What's so proudly we hailed at the twilight's
last gleaming.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States
of America.
(SINGING) Whose broad stripes and bright stars.
Wow.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but those guys should stick to insurrecting.
This song is such a turd, I'm surprised it's on iTunes
and not Nancy Pelosi's desk.
This is so bad, Mike Pence heard it
and he hanged himself.
And why are they calling themselves Donald
Trump and the January 6 Choir?
Coup and the Gang is right there!
[applause]
Anyway, let's get to today's big news, the collapse
of Silicon Valley Bank.
I know, it's impossible to believe that a town that could
spend half a million dollars on this ape
would have financial problems.
But somehow, it happened.
SVB was the 16th largest bank in the country,
and the favorite bank of tech bros,
disruptors, and anyone who's ever
invented Uber, but for weed.
So here's what happened, OK.
SVB invested a lot of their clients' money on a bet
that interest rates wouldn't go up.
And when interest rates did go up,
they started losing their clients' money.
Then they told their clients, hey, don't freak out,
but we're losing your money.
So, of course, everyone immediately freaked out
and ran to the bank to take out all
their money before it collapsed,
which then caused the bank to collapse.
It was like that bank run scene from It's a Wonderful Life,
but if everyone was wearing Patagonia vests.
And look, people are legitimately
scared this could spread to banks across the country.
So to stop the panic, the federal government
took the bank over and promised everyone that they'd
get their money back.
And it's kind of funny, because some of the companies who
had money at the bank were screaming on social media
that the government needed to come and save them.
That's right, all those tech bros
who complain about being under the government's yoke
were suddenly like, oh, no, my money's gone?
(WHINING) Yoke me, Daddy!
So, that's basically what happened.
But if you're looking for an explanation of why SVB failed
that doesn't require you to learn about interest rates,
well, Fox News got you covered.
Part of the problem was, is that this
was one of those woke banks.
They were one of the most woke banks in their quest
for the ESG top, top policy.
This bank, they're so concerned
with DEI and politics and all kinds of stuff.
This bank, Silicon Valley Bank,
they had been focused on a lot of these social issues
in the last weeks and months leading up to this collapse.
They had a month-long LGBTQ month of activities just
before the bank collapsed!
I think the senior vice president of risk
management at the bank was heavily
focused on LGBTQ+ programs.
The female head of risk management spent a lot of time
spearheading what critics would call,
woke programs, such as a safe space for coming out stories.
Oh, right.
The female head of risk management.
That explains it.
She probably spent the bank's money on shoes and abortions.
For more on Silicon Valley Bank, we go to Michael Kosta.
Whoa!
[applause]
Michael, where are you?
Well, where does it look like I am?
I'm at Silicon Valley Bank's headquarters.
Looks like you're at a gay nightclub, man.
This is just what a woke bank looks like, Kal.
The first floor is a gay nightclub,
second floor is a gay bathhouse,
and the third floor is gay accounting.
OK, well, what's your impression of SVB's collapse?
Seems clear to me that it's a result
of rising interest rates forcing the bank
to sell its bonds at a loss.
That's so naive, Kal.
No, the reason the bank collapsed is because of woke.
What do you mean, woke?
How did that collapse a bank?
It just did, Kal, woke.
DEI, ESG, POC, AOC, BET.
The list is endless, and the list is woke.
I don't see what any of this has to do with a bank failing.
Well, that's because you're not a trained economist
like I am.
But once you learn the history, you
discover that every bank crisis that has ever happened
has happened because of woke.
There's no way that's true.
Oh, come on.
Women get the right to vote in 1920, nine years later,
the Great Depression?
OK.
How about this?
Segregation ends in '64.
17 years later, the recession of '81 hits.
Coincidence?
Come on, man, you can't connect these.
Women and Black people are not behind all bank collapses.
Of course not, Kal.
Sometimes it's gay people's fault, OK.
Just look at the names behind the 2008 financial crisis.
Lehman Brothers?
Goldman Sachs?
Bear Stearn?
Rusty Trombone Investments?
It's all major gay financial institutions that lost money.
I've never heard of Rusty Trombone Investments.
Well, they lost a lot of my money.
Look, forget your theories for a minute.
What can consumers do to keep their money safe?
It's easy.
Skip the banks and keep all your money in your wallet,
like I do.
That way, when I need some money,
that way when I need some, oh, my God, someone
stole my wallet.
I know who it was.
Oh, that's terrible.
Who was it?
It was woke.
All right, man, OK. Good luck with that.
Michael Kosta, everybody!
Where's my--?