♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO
TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING PEOPLE.
IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW CELEBRITIES WITHOUT THE
MESS OF HAVING TO DIG THROUGH THEIR GARBAGE.
IN FACT, WE HERE AT "A LATE SHOW"HAVE EVEN CREATED A METHOD
THAT GOES BEYOND THE TRADITIONAL INTERVIEW TO REVEAL MY GUESTS
TRUE INNER SELF.
IT'S CALLED "THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT," AND IT'S A SERIES
OF 15 SCIENTIFICALLY-DESIGNED PSYCHE-PROBING QUESTIONS THAT
"PSYCHOLOGY TODAY" ONCE CALLED "PLEASE STOP CONTACTING US."
I RECENTLY HAD THE PLEASURE OF ADMINISTERING THE QUESTIONERT TO
SOME OF THE BIGGEST NAMES IN ENTERTAINMENT, LIKE JOHN OLIVER.
DID YOU KNOW THAT BENEATH THAT VAPID DREAMBOAT EXTERIOR AND
WASHBOARD ABS, HE'S ALSO GOT A BRAIN?
IT'S TRUE.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> I'M HERE WITH MR. JOHN OLIVER RIGHT THERE.
>> I'M HERE, TOO.
>> Stephen: AND HIS BEAUTIFUL -- UM, END SPACE, I
DON'T KNOW, PURGATORY -- >> NOTHING.
IT'S JUST A BEAUTIFUL NOTHING.
AN ABSENCE OF A THING.
>> Stephen: IT IS A TO FEW ENVIRONMENT OF WHICH HE IS THE
ONLY SALT.
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE TALKING TO YOU.
I WANT TO HAVE YOU ON.
IT'S A JOY.
WE ALWAYS GO TOO LONG.
IT'S HELL FOR OUR EDITORS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT I SEE YOU MOSTLY THIS WAY
BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW, WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY CROSS OVER AT
T"THE DAILY SHOW."
WE WOULD SEE EACH OTHER IN THE CROSS EPISODES, BUT I DON'T KNOW
YOU AS WELL AS I WOULD LIKE, AND WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HAVE
DINNER WITH EACH OTHER AND OUR WIVES --
>> WE WERE SO NEARLY THERE.
>> Stephen: AND THEN COVID HIT AND WE HAD TO CANCEL.
>> THE YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU AS WELL AS I LIKE AND I
HAVE A WAY TO FIX THAT AND WHEN I ASK THESE QUESTIONS THEY WILL
PENETRATE TO YOUR SOUL AND REVEAL YOU TO THE WORLD AND
YOURSELF.
ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE KNOWN AS YOU ARE KNOWN.
>> GOOD LUCK.
I AM BRITISH SO I'VE BUILT A PRETTY SIZABLE WALL AROUND ANY
SENSE OF THOUGHT OR FEELINGS.
SO HAVE AT IT.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOUR WRECKING BALL OF QUESTIONS CAN PRODUCE.
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, JOHN
OLIVER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> THE BEST SANDWICH?
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THAT'S WHY IT MADE IT TO THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
>> I WOULD SAY MY GO-TO SANDWICH IS A BLT, AS CRISPY AS POSSIBLE,
THE BACON.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WEET AS POSSIBLE THE TOMATO, AND I THINK I WOULD TAKE -- YOU
KNOW WHAT, I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE A WAWA BLT.
>> Stephen: A ROADSIDE BLT.
GAS STATION BLT.
>> Stephen: SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU A LOVER OF SANDWICH, YOU'RE
A GAMBLER.
>> MY LOVE LOVES WAWA, IT'S HER ABSOLUTE FAVORITE THING.
ONE TO HAVE THE FIRST VANLT'S DAYS I EVER HAD WITH HER I
THOUGHT THERE'S NO WAWA IN NEW YORK, SO I HIRED A CAR TO
DRIVE US TO THE NEAREST WAWA, SOMEWHERE DEEP IN NEW JERSEY.
I REMEMBER TALKING TO THE DRIVER SAYING THIS IS WHERE WE'RE GOING
TO DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY DAY.
AND HE HONESTLY SAID, I'LL DO THIS, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE
THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A SURPRISE SHE LIKES BECAUSE WHAT
YOU'RE DESCRIBING TO ME SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
>> Stephen: WAS SHE HAPPY?
HE WAS ABSOLUTELY OVERJOYED.
WE EVEN BOUGHT HIM A SANDWICH.
WE SAID, SEE, THIS IS WHAT SHE'S EXCITED ABOUT.
AND HE SAID, AND I QUOTE, "IT'S FINE."
>> Stephen: BUT IN MARRIAGE, IT'S GOOD IF MOST DAYS ARE FINE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: MY SISTER MARY TOOK US ASIDE ON THE NIGHT WE
WERE MARRIED.
SHE SAID, LOOK, YOUR TWO.
THERE'S THIS AND THERE'S THIS.
WHAT YOU WANT IS THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN YOU
SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
THE LAST CONCERT BEFORE COVID HIT, I WAS DOING STAND UP IN
SAN FRANCISCO AND BROOKS WHELAN WHO WAS OPENING FOR ME, WE GOT
SAN FRANCISCO THE NIGHT BEFORE OUR SHOW, WE WENT TO SEE THE
GRATEFUL DEAD BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING THERE, AND WE BOUGHT A
GRATEFUL DEAD BOMBER JACKET, AND WE COMPETED FOR IT AT MINI GOLF
THE NEXT DAY.
I WILL NEVER WEAR THIS JACKET.
I LIVE IN AN APARTMENT IN NEW YORK, SO WE DON'T HAVE SPACE
FOR IT.
MY WIFE HAS TRIED TO THROW IT OUT THREE TIMES, AND I'LL NEVER
EVER LET -- I WILL BE BURIED IN THAT JACKET.
>> Stephen: NEXT TIME YOU'RE ON, IF YOU COULD WEAR THAT
JACKET, I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
>> DONE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> MONY, HONESTLY?
SURE.
>> YOU WOULD PROBABLY GO WITH THE OBVIOUS ANSWER WHICH IS A
SHARK, PANGALINS ARE TERRIFYING.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE BURLY, BURROW INTO THE GROUND?
>> THE NEXT PANDEMIC MAY AS WELL COME FROM A PANGALIN.
THEY ARE INCREDIBLE VESSELS FOR DISEASE.
IT'S ALWAYS THE CUTE ONES.
THE CUTE ONES GET YOU.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES.
APPLES.
>> Stephen: CORRECT BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PRESIDENT BUSH ON AN
APPLE.
>> THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST AMERICAN THING I'VE HEARD YOU
EVER SAY.
YEAH, YOU CAN PUT PRESIDENT BUSH ON AN APPLE.
SHOULD YOU?
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
REALLY?
>> Stephen: YES.
YES.
>> YOU'RE USING AN APPLE AS A SPOON, THEN.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
OH, OKAY.
>> Stephen: A SLICE OF APPLE.
AS LONG AS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO DIP THE WHOLE APPLE IN.
I'M NOT AN ANIMAL, OKAY.
>> THE FIRST TIME MY WIFE WENT TO ENGLAND, SHE SAID, I CAN'T
BELIEVE HOW LITTLE PRESIDENT BUSH YOU HAVE IN
THINGS HERE.
I WENT, YEAH.
FLIP THAT AROUND, THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD IMPROVE YOUR MEAT PIES?
A LITTLE PEANUT BUTTER.
HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> YEAH AS A KID.
FOOTBALL WAS IAN RUSH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I REMEMBER?
I LEFT MY I -- I LOVE MY IAN RUSHER AUTOGRAPH I CARRY IT IN
MY WALLET TO THIS DAY.
I WAS WATCHING KEN ROAD PLAY LUTEIN.
LUTEIN'S GOAL KEEPER ANDY DIBBY NAME -- HE WAS WALKING DOWN THIS
LINE OF KIDS AND SAYING DO YOU WANT AN AUTOGRAPH?
I SAID, NO, I DON'T, I WANT A DIFFERENT PERSON'S AUTOGRAPH.
AND HE LOOKED HURT.
I REMEMBER THE LOOK.
THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE'S NAMES I'VE FORGOTTEN BUT I REMEMBER
ANDY DIBBING'S NAME BECAUSE AS I DID I REMEMBERED I HAVE THE
CAPACITY TO INFLICT PAIN.
>> Stephen: ON AN ADULT.
YOU ARE HURT AND I DID THAT, I AM BECOME DEATH.
>> Stephen: DESTROYER OF DIBBLES.
THE WHOLE STORY, YOU COULD HAVE MADE UP WITH IT.
IT WAS LUDENS AND DIBBLES.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> I WOULD HOPE -- I'M HOPING FOR JUST SOME SENSE OF PEACE.
I DON'T HAVE RELIGION IN THE WAY THAT YOU HAVE IT, SO I'M JUST
HOPING FOR THE END OF LIFE TO BE KIND OF THE FEELING YOU GET WHEN
YOU SINK INTO A CHAIR AFTER A LONG DAY.
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE NICE, TOO.
OR LIKE RIGHT BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEP IN A NAP, THAT SORT OF --
THE SHEETS JUST COME TO GET YOU.
>> THAT'S PANIC INDUCING WHAT YOU JUST DESCRIBED TO ME.
I'LL TAKE THE CHAIR.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS TELLING.
NO -- ACTION -- MOVIE.
>> WHAT, PRAY TELL, DOES IT TELL?
>> Stephen: YOU LACK, UH, CERTAIN, UH --
>> SAY IT.
>> Stephen: -- HYPER MASCULINE AGGRESSIVENESS THAT I EXUDE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THE GREAT ESCAPE.
COME ON, THE GREAT ESCAPE.
NOTHING?
THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE.
>> IN THAT CASE, I'VE GOT ONE.
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.
>> Stephen: I GUESS THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE.
BUT IT'S SAD.
ACTION MOVIES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE SAD.
THE HERO'S SUPPOSED TO WIN.
>> OH, PLEASE.
PLEASE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
UNLESS THERE IS AN INTERNAL SADNESS I'M NOT INTERESTED.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
SO YOUR FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE IS MY DINNER WITH ANDRE.
>> YOU CAN'T SAY THERE ISN'T SOME LINGUISTIC PAROTECHNICS
INVOLVED IN THERE.
>> Stephen: (RUSSIAN ACCENT) THE POTATO SOUP, VERY DELICIOUS.
FAVORITE SMELL.
>> TTARMAC BEFORE IT'S SPRAYED DOWN OR CREOSOTE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A CHEAP HIGH.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: LEAST FAVORITE SMELL.
>> A NOT GREAT EGG.
>> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING.
OH, SPARKLING.
COME ON.
TREAT YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> WOW, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, SOMETHING YOU CAN'T BE SICK OF, THEN.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO CHOOSE IT NOW.
>> CASASHES TO ASHES, DAVID BOW.
THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON IN THERE, IF YOU GET TIRED OF THAT
SONG, IT'S YOUR FAULT.
>> Stephen: I'LL BUY IT.
WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> 42.
>> Stephen: NO.
OKAY.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> DESCRIBE THE REST OF MY LIFE
FROM THIS POINT?
I HAVE NO ( BLEEP ) IDEA.
>> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE KNOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> HEY, I FEEL SEEN.
>> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JOHN.
♪♪♪ THANK YOU, JOHN OLIVER.
WHEN WE COME BACK, JANE FONDA TEACHES YOU HOW TO TURN AN APPLE
INTO A BONG.
SO, CHILDREN, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE THE ROOM AND GO FIND
YOUR PARENTS SOME FRUIT.
♪♪♪