FOOTBALL THERAPY
This seems to be quite an awkward situation.
Mesut would you like to tell Mr. Emery how this whole thing makes you feel?
It makes me feel like I’m not wanted.
He is not wanted.
You see?
Ok, Mr. Emery please refrain from any nastiness.
It’s important we don’t make this lazy little green freak feel as though he’s not appreciated.
What?
Of course doctor, I totally appreciate that this bench warming waste of money has feelings and emotions.
Good Unai, it’s important to remember that as players start to reach the end of their careers, such as Mesut is,
they become more sensitive to being told the truth of how lazy and unimportant they are.
Hey! I’m not old or lazy!
I’d like to thank you for coming back to try therapy after the cruel prank Unai played on you last time Mesut.
Lighten up Mesut. It was just a joke.
Do you often bully your players in such a heinous way Mr. Emery?
What!?
I’m just wondering if this disrespectful and demeaning behaviour is a regular part of your managerial style?
It was a joke!
He always bullies. He says I don’t contribute and that he doesn’t care about what I do!
Yes it seems as though you are really are an appalling manager Mr. Emery.
Perhaps that’s why Arsenal are not in the top 4.
Hang on a minute.
I knew it!
Screw you, Unai!
Hooray for Arsene! Emery out! Wenger in!
Too late to kiss my arse now you lazy little good for nothing waste of wages! Isco in!
My goodness. It seems you’ve had quite a tough time finding the appropriate therapist to...
help you resolve your relationship issues.
He started it!
Of course I did. No one expects you to start anything.
I’m not sure these issues can be resolved easily. Have you considered a separation?
Yes!
Good, good. Basically you would separate in the easiest way or possible.
For instance in your case I would they recommend Mesut join, oh, I don’t know, say, Inter Milan?
Spalletti?
Yes? I mean no! I mean, who?
Nice try Spalletti but I’m worth more than the peanuts you’re offering!
£250k a week?
Yes! That’s almost the minimum wage. Let’s get out of here.
I want to assure the both of you that the misfortune you have encountered...
in previous therapy sessions will not be occurring today.
Goood! Gooood! Tells them whats they needs to hear! Yesss!
I beg your pardon. I think I have discovered the solution to your problem.
Is that so?
Yes. Mesut, you wish to leave Arsenal to a club where your talents will be appreciated.
Yeah, I suppose…
Unai, you want Mesut to leave but feel you need a replacement for him.
Preferably one who will contribute more to the squad. Yes?
I mean, I guess…
Good!
Goooood!
So how about a player swap.
Ozil for a player who has previous experience at a big London club, and is a proven playmaker.
Say someone like, Juan Mata?
What?
Good Ole. Now gets their pesky signatures!
Perhaps…
Play for United! Seriously!? I don’t want to end up like Sanchez!
Juan Mata! He’s so OLD!
Damns them! Damns them to hells! We will get a player to boost creativity in the midfields!
Mesut, that leaves only one offer on the table.
Okay…
From Turkey...
Go on.
£350k a week…
Yes...
Less running around a pitch…
Sounds promising…
...and more sitting at a desk…
Sounds perfect… who’s made the offer? Galatasaray? Besiktas?
President Erdogan… he wants you to be his Vice President...
WHERE DO I SIGN!
That’s the most running I’ve seen him do this season...