When I was 16 years old my older brother died after being hit by a drunk driver while riding
his motorcycle to work one morning.
At the time he wasn't wearing a helmet and the emergency medical team that responded
told my mother he had most likely not suffered as they believed his death would have been
instantaneous.
Up until this time I had always went to church, my entire family did.
After Mark's death though, I could not bring myself to even consider entering a church.
In my mind if God was real, I would still have a brother.
I began to do poorly in school often talking back to teachers and anyone in authority.
My grades dropped and I was soon told by my coach that I was ineligible to continue playing
baseball.
I won't say people didn't try to help me because countless adults did attempt to break through
the walls I was building around myself, I just didn't allow them in.
It wasn't long before I completely gave up on myself as well.
I dropped out of school.
It's not like I went into the school office and withdrew myself as a student, I simply
quit going.
In fact, the school resource officer brought me paperwork stating I had to go to court
with my parents to explain my absences.
I began to drink as well.
Anything to numb the pain I was feeling.
The night I had my NDE I had snuck out of my house and went to a party one of my few
remaining friends had heard about.
At the party I proceeded to get as drunk as possible which soon led to me becoming quite
obnoxious and in turn led to some guy about twice my size beating the crap out of me when
he felt disrespected.
Needless to say I was ejected from the party and already being drunk, I chose to walk home.
I remember being mad at my friend I had ridden to the party with although I don't think I
even had a reason to be mad with anyone but myself.
After arriving home, I passed out in my bedroom floor, my reasoning was that it was closer
and cooler and I felt hot.
The next thing I know I am standing beside myself, looking down at my drunken body and
seeing vomit pool around my mouth.
My head was tilted to the side just enough for some to get out but evidently not enough
and I was asphyxiating on what couldn't drain.
Then I saw it, the tunnel of light and I was being drawn towards it at a rapid speed which
only got faster after I entered.
Faster and faster I went towards a light that kept growing closer and closer until suddenly
I had reached it.
To describe this light as anything less than the most perfect love in the universe would
be to do it an injustice.
It felt like being home and I have never felt such peace before or since.
A voice began to communicate with me, not in spoken words but in my mind, and I with
it without speaking as well.
This voice told me to look at my life and I was given a life review.
It was as if every moment of my life was being shown to me on a large screen with pauses
at various places.
During these pauses I got to experience whatever the situation I was being shown through the
other persons feelings.
This was a horrible experience.
The saying that words can cut like a knife is very real and my own words cut into my
very soul as I had to experience them from the other persons point of view.
By the time my life review was over with I was crying.
For the first time I was feeling real regret for my actions.
Next I was shown my mother weeping over my casket just as she had done for my brother.
The hurt in her eyes was almost too much to bear.
Then to my surprise the voice asked me "do you see why you have to go back?"
In reply I questioned how I could possibly go back if I were already in my casket to
which the voice answered "what you were shown is just one possibility, time does not exist
here, I can send you back"
"Do I have a choice?"
I asked
"There is always a choice, you were gifted free will when you were created"
As much as I would have loved to stay in the light forever I knew instantly that I would
be returning to my body, if only to stop my mother from having to cry over my casket.
In less time than it took to think it, I was back in my body struggling to breathe.
I was still drunk but as I sobered up I learned that my father had gotten up to use the restroom
and as he was returning to bed, something told him to check on me in my room.
He found me unconscious and not breathing.
He immediately cleared out my mouth and throat as best he could before starting CPR on me.
I am 3 years sober last month and not only returned to school, I graduated.
I did take a gap year to work before starting college as I really am trying to do better
and think it would be unfair to saddle my parents with paying my tuition.
I have also started going to church again and while it's still a struggle to accept
my brother's death, I know that someday I will see him again.
Until then I take things one day at a time.