(laughing)
Oh, hello, humans.
I know why you are here.
You wish to be scared.
Am I right?
Why else would you be coming to meet me?
A scary bat!
Very well,
then I, Statler, (thundering)
will show you something really scar-
Oh, wait. Hang on a sec.
Just got a little wing itch.
Oh, there it is.
Oh, that feels much better.
OK.
As I was saying, I, Statler, (thundering)
will show you exactly how frightening bats are.
Because I’m assuming that’s what you want?
Fly away!
It’s pretty scary, right?
Just wait ’til you see where I’m taking you!
Try not to get too frightened.
Huh? Why is this person carrying me, you ask?
Well, I, um, obviously have, uh, mind-controlled her!
Yes, yes, it’s definitely that.
No other reason. Yeah.
For I am Statler, a very scary bat! Arrgh!
Uh, sorry. Yes? You had another question?
Oh, no.
Bats don’t have mind control powers...
except for me! Woooo.
Now, follow me as we enter...
Wait, hang on a second.
I hunger...
I thirst...
for yummy fruit.
Oh, hey! Avert your eyes!
Watching me eat is too terrifying.
Ok.
Now I will show you to...the sanctuary!
Where I dwell with over 400 of my bat companions!
Just look at all these bats relaxing in their habitat.
Oh, uh, I mean,
lurking in darkness!
Let me introduce them.
Meet The Captain.
His wingspan is over 4 feet,
which is big enough to hug you!
I mean, get you!
And here we have Enzo and Winchester.
They mostly just like to hang around.
Oh, uh, being scary!
Ahh!
Oh, heh, heh. Those are just my stuffies.
Sometimes my playthings startle even me.
Well, fear not for you see,
they are soft and cuddly.
Uh, but this is not what I really wanted to show you.
So. Ha ha ha ha.
Fly away! Again!
“Yay.”
Ah, yes. Thank you. That’s perfect.
Welcome to my treehouse.
I mean, inner chamber!
Yeah, where only the bravest souls dare enter.
Mmm. Where did this come from?
So scary. So delicious.
Now, it is time to meet my very closest friends.
These are probably the scariest bats who ever lived.
Like Chessie.
Chessie, please do something scary for us.
(munching)
Chessie,
people are going to think all we do is hang around and nibble melons.
Which is completely false.
We also hang around eating all types of fruits and vegetables.
And some of us even eat insects.
That’s kind of scary, right?
Last, but not least, we have my very good friend, Miss Starlie.
Isn’t she adorable?
Using her fuzzy tummy like a plate.
Uh, quite the scary eater, uh huh.
(chirping)
Huh? What that? What?
Oh, it seems my friends would like a word with me.
If you’ll excuse me for just one moment.
(whispering)
Really?
You don’t think they’re buying it?
Well, if that’s the case.
Mm hmm.
Friends, you know it, and I know it.
Ha ha! I’m not scary or creepy.
None of the bats who live here are.
In fact, perhaps you noticed that we are actually very adorable.
Because this bat sanctuary isn’t a scary place,
it’s a special place where bats who’ve been rescued
can heal until they’re ready to go back to the wild.
And for some bats like me and my friends, it’s a forever home where we can live
safe, comfortable lives with people who protect and take care of us,
not because of mind control, but because of love.
They even help some older bats like me fly around.
That’s right, I said older.
Believe it or not, I am 34 years old.
That is like 100 in bat years!
So sometimes I need a little extra help, but just a little.
Well, now that I’ve cleared up this misunderstanding,
I know what you’re thinking...
“Statler, if you cannot hypnotize people, how did you do that eerie, twirly eye thing?”
That, dear friends, is a very good question!
(laughing)
Happy Halloween!
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