WELL, HELLO.
IT IS VERY NICE TO BE HOME, NEW YORK.
I HAVE BEEN TRAVELING ALL OVER THE WORLD TELLING JOKES.
I WAS DOING A SHOW IN DENMARK LAST YEAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
UM, IT DIDN'T GO PARTICULARLY WELL.
NOT REALLY THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC FOR THIS CAREER,
BUT I GOT HECKLED IN A WAY I'VE NEVER BEEN HECKLED BEFORE.
A MAN GOT UP IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SHOW,
AND HE INTERRUPTED, AND HE SAID,
"HEY!
GO BACK TO AMERICA."
WOW.
(laughter)
IT'S AMAZING, IT'S AMAZING
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TOLD TO GO BACK TO SO MANY COUNTRIES
AND UH...
(laughter)
NEVER TO AMERICA.
UH, I'VE BEEN TOLD IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN, LIBYA,
WHATEVER COUNTRY WE'RE BOMBING...
I'M TOLD TO GO BACK THERE
AT PERHAPS THE LEAST OPPORTUNE TIME TO GO BACK.
I LIKE TRAVELING INTERNATIONALLY,
BUT I DON'T LIKE THE BUREAUCRACY,
LONG LINES OF CUSTOMS AND IMMIGRATION.
APPARENTLY, AUSTRALIA IS THE WORST
BECAUSE IT'S SO FAR AWAY FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD
THAT THEY'RE REALLY STRICT ABOUT YOU NOT BRINGING IN
PLANTS OR FRUIT INTO THEIR COUNTRY
BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED IF FOREIGN BODIES ENTER AUSTRALIA,
THEY'LL KILL PEOPLE AND DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT,
WHICH IS A VERY FAIR POINT,
BECAUSE IF YOU ASK THE ABORIGINES,
THEY WOULD TELL YOU THAT SOMETIMES FOREIGN BODIES...
ENTER AUSTRALIA, KILL PEOPLE,
DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN'T KNOW,
THE THEME OF MY SET TONIGHT WILL BE COLONIALISM...
(laughter and cheers)
WHICH IS WHY I WILL BE SPEAKING ONLY IN ENGLISH.
(laughter)
WE'VE NEVER HAD A FEMALE PRESIDENT IN THIS COUNTRY,
WHICH I FIND STUNNING.
IT'S AMAZING THAT WE'VE NEVER HAD A FEMALE PRESIDENT,
AND A BIG PART OF THAT IS THAT WE HAVE MEN IN THIS COUNTRY
THAT ARE SO SEXIST THAT THEY SAY THINGS LIKE,
"WE CAN'T HAVE A WOMAN PRESIDENT
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
IF WE ELECT A WOMAN, RIGHT?
LIKE, ONCE A MONTH SHE'S GONNA HAVE A PERIOD
AND HAVE PMS AND GO CRAZY.
SHE'LL RUIN THE COUNTRY."
WE HAVE MEN WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT A WOMAN
BECAUSE OF HER BIOLOGY HAS HER JUDGMENT IMPAIRED
ONCE A MONTH.
WELL, I'M A MAN WITH A PENIS AND TESTICLES.
MY JUDGMENT IS IMPAIRED EVERY FIVE TO SEVEN MINUTES.
(laughter and applause)
AND I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I WAKE UP SOME MORNINGS WITH MY JUDGMENT IMPAIRED.
(laughter)
THAT JOKE, OF COURSE, ANSWERS THE QUESTION,
HARI KONDABOLU, CAN YOU WRITE A FEMINIST (bleep) JOKE?
YEAH.
(laughter and applause)
MY FAVORITE BAND GROWING UP WAS WEEZER.
YEAH.
(cheers and applause)
I LOVED THAT BAND.
I LOVED THAT BAND DESPITE TWO, THREE, FOUR CRAPPY RECORDS
IN A ROW.
I FORGAVE THAT BAND BECAUSE THEY WERE MY CHILDHOOD,
AND I WENT TO A WEEZER CONCERT A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO
EXCITED TO HEAR THE OLD HITS.
I GET THERE.
THE USHER COMES UP TO ME AND HE SAYS,
"SIR, THE PARENTS SECTION'S UPSTAIRS."
PARENTS SECTION?
NO.
(laughter and applause)
I CAME TO ROCK.
YOU TAKE ME TO THE PIT.
NOW, A MOSH PIT AT A WEEZER CONCERT
IS DIFFERENT THAN OTHER MOSH PITS, RIGHT?
A MOSH PIT AT A WEEZER CONCERT IS BASICALLY
NERDS BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER AND APOLOGIZING.
"I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO RUIN
'ONLY IN DREAMS' FOR YOU.
YES, I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO THAT SONG AS WELL,"
WHICH IS A LIE.
THEY'RE BOTH VIRGINS.
SO I GO DOWN TO THE PIT, I GO DOWN TO THE PIT.
I'M EXCITED TO BE THERE, AND WHEN I GET THERE
I REALIZE EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME.
WHY?
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL 14 YEARS OLD.
SOMEHOW WEEZER'S DEMOGRAPHIC HAS NOT CHANGED IN 15 YEARS.
THEY'RE STILL 14- TO 17-YEAR-OLDS.
THEY'RE ALL STARING AT ME AS IF I'M THE CREEPY OLD DUDE.
THE CREEPY OLD DUDE AT A WEEZER CONCERT AT 27.
IT FELT TERRIBLE, AND THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT THE CREEPY OLD DUDE IN THIS SITUATION.
WEEZER ARE THE CREEPY OLD DUDES IN THIS SITUATION.
(laughter and applause)
THEY'RE 40-YEAR-OLD MEN WHO ARE MAKING MUSIC
THAT SOMEHOW TEENAGERS CAN RELATE TO.
ISN'T THAT A BIT STRANGE?
"OH, LIFE IS HARD.
GIRLS DON'T LIKE ME.
HIGH SCHOOL IS WEIRD."
OF COURSE, IT'S WEIRD, YOU'RE 40.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU HAVE AN AMAZING SHOW,
AND YOU CAN'T WAIT TO HANG OUT WITH THAT 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH, AND SHE'S ALL LIKE,
"AREN'T YOU MY DAD'S FRIEND?"
AND THAT'S WEEZER.
LET'S BE HONEST, AUDIENCE,
THE END OF THAT JOKE, IT WAS DISAPPOINTING.
IT'S NOT--YOU LAUGHED BECAUSE YOU WERE TOLD TO,
BUT LIKE IT'S NOT UH...
THE END OF THAT JOKE WASN'T PARTICULARLY GOOD.
I REALIZE THAT,
LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT STARTED OUT KIND OF--KIND OF FUNNY.
IT HAD A COUPLE OF NICE BIG PUNCH LINES
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE JOKE,
AND THEN IT PLATEAUED FOR A WHILE,
REALLY BUILDING OFF THE MOMENTUM FROM THE EARLY PART OF THE JOKE,
AND THEN THE END, LIKE, WAS REALLY DISAPPOINTING,
AND YOU MAY WONDER WHY I DID THAT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
I WANTED TO WRITE A JOKE THAT ECHOED
THE TRAJECTORY OF WEEZER'S CAREER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD NIGHT.
(cheers and applause)