Ghostbusters had some pretty questionable sexy stuff involving departed spirits, and
Back to the Future boasted a scene where a time-traveling teen made out with his own
mom, but when it comes to messed up movie classics from the ‘80s, nothing beats 1984’s
Gremlins.
Directed by Joe Dante, this horror comedy was so violent and disturbing that two months
after it came out alongside the heart-ripping thrills of Indiana Jones and the Temple of
Doom, the MPAA opted to change their entire rating system by adding “PG-13,” just
to make sure that kids weren’t allowed to wander into a theater to see something like
this without having a parent in tow.
It was also a massive hit, racking up an incredible $153 million at the box office, making over
12 times its budget and becoming the year’s fourth highest-grossing film.
Considering it was up against franchise hits like Temple of Doom, Ghostbusters, and Star
Trek III: The Search For Spock, that’s no small feat.
Audiences loved the combination of comedy, horror, and gross-out action, even if a few
kids were thoroughly traumatized along the way.
Give it a watch, and it’s easy to see why.
While it’s set at Christmas, Gremlins is anything but holly jolly — especially when
Phoebe Cates explains why she hates the holidays, and tells the story of her father getting
stuck in a chimney while dressed as Santa Claus and giving her the worst Christmas ever.
"That’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus."
If that wasn’t upsetting enough, don’t worry.
The rest of the movie is devoted to yuletide carnage and destruction that manages to go
way past Die Hard, with the title monsters going on a full-on rampage.
There are only three explicitly fatal on-screen attacks from the slimy little monsters, but
the movie boasts plenty of violent slapstick moments that definitely resulted in the citizens
of Kingston Falls shuffling loose this mortal coil.
And the original script was even more terrifying, including a scene where Billy’s mom was
eaten alive, and a massacre in a McDonalds that included entire families taken out between
bites of McNuggets.
Suffice to say, they were definitely not lovin’ it.
But while Kate’s story about her father and the hyper-violent gross-out comedy get
a lot of attention, there’s one weird aspect of Gremlins that nobody ever really talks
about.
If Randall Peltzer and his family had bothered to pay attention to what they were buying
in Chinatown, they actually could’ve avoided the next 106 minutes of rampant destruction.
Well, maybe not the part with Kate’s dad ruining Christmas.
For everything else, though, there’s a warning right up front.
When Billy’s dad buys Gizmo in the opening scene of the movie, Mr. Wing refers to the
fluffy little creature as a "mogwai".
Cute name for a pet, right?
Wrong.
Unfortunately for the Peltzers, Mrs. Deagle, and the rest of Kingston Falls, nobody thought
to ask what “mogwai” actually means.
If, however, you happen to speak Cantonese, you already know that it’s literally just
that language’s word for “monster” or “demon.”
That’s usually a sign that there might be a problem here.
Sure, Gizmo’s adorable when he’s in his normal fuzzy form, but think about it this
way: if you went into an animal shelter and saw the cutest little puppy you’d ever seen,
you might think it would make a good gift for the animal-loving child in your life.
If, however, you found out that it was actually not a puppy, but a creature named “self-replicating
cannibal hell-beast who only thirsts for the blood of the innocent,” you might reconsider
sliding it under the Christmas tree.
At the very least, you’d pay real close attention to those care and feeding instructions.
"But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget no matter how much he cries,
no matter how much he begs, never, never feed him after midnight."
Unfortunately, the Peltzers haven’t brushed up on their foreign languages, and Mr. Wing
isn’t really into explaining things to his customers.
If he had been, then Kingston Falls might still have a movie theater.
Then again, maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t.
Sure, plenty of lives could’ve been spared if they’d kept Gizmo out of the water, but
if the Gremlins never got loose, then Billy and Kate never would’ve gotten together,
Lynn Peltzer wouldn’t have shown off how much of a badass she can be in the kitchen,
and we never would’ve gotten the high point of Hulk Hogan’s cinematic career in Gremlins
2: The New Batch.
"People pay good money to see this movie!
When they go out to a theater they want cold sodas, hot popcorn, and no monsters in the
projection booth!"
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