G'day, A.J. Mahari here what's one key core reason why so many people codependency
after being ghosted by somebody with bpd or relationship breakup with somebody with BPD
however that happens seek after getting closure even when there isn't any closure to find you know
hoping to be hoovered trying to reverse hoover or stealth reverse hoovering by watching people your
ex's social media what really drives people to do so much of this and to want to in many ways and
at different times confront the ex especially a ghosting act what is this thing that drives people
to reconnect or to want to be reconnected with and ex when everything is so painful
well for many people with codependency it's loneliness loneliness that is more than just
being alone and not liking it but loneliness that emanates foundationally from within the wounded
inner child were the seeds of codependency were really sown the seeds of codependency
based on unmet needs or woundedness of one type to one degree or another that get in between the
authentic cell creating a false cell and setting up the dysfunctional relationship unhealthy
relationship to and with cell in childhood people experiencing the step of loneliness with
codependency feel isolated not connected to self lacking an authentic relationship to and with self
who feel like if they're not in a relationship that they aren't anybody or that they're friends
or that other people will think they're strange that being in a relationship is the measure
of their worth without a relationship they don't have esteem or self-worth and another issue that
goes along with this loneliness is that what really people are feeling people with codependency
who are really lonely and and maybe you've known this loneliness all your life or you may not be
aware of that yet you may well have known it all your life but ever since the person with bpd or
the narcissist or after these ghostings after the breakups etc people with codependency really feel
a deep deep extremely painful sense of loneliness not everybody but many most really and what it
really means is that you feel like quote i'm not worth being with unquote you feel like you're not
worth being with yourself it's such a deep degree of discomfort that most people with codependency
really have inside of that dysfunctional unhealthy relationship to and with self you know loneliness
is one reason that people with codependency don't want to leave the relationships in the first place
the relationship with a bpd or an npd when it's clear that you're being really poorly treated and
beyond by somebody who doesn't want to change because people bp could change if they want to
if they work hard at it but the point is this loneliness is something that resides down deep
inside so it's not just something that people will experience after being ghosted or a period
of no contact in which you don't know if the relationship is on off period or gonna be on again
all of the ruminating and all of the lack of closure and so many other things but
this loneliness drives people to reconnect to to put themselves in very psychologically
emotionally dangerous situations for themselves because they just simply can't be with themselves
sit with themselves they don't know how to be without being in a relationship
and even then i've had clients who've described being in relationships and in with a cluster b
but perhaps other types as well that they felt really lonely in the relationship
and then it's sort of like so look for the next person but the problem of the loneliness
might really be tethered to your childhood and something that you need to work out in that
healing and recovery journey from codependency and loneliness often creates codependency in childhood
and holds people in really unhealthy relationships long past the point when a healthier person would
have left and i don't mean that to insult or shame anybody but people feel really helpless with this
loneliness get very depressed and some people with codependency are so scared of being alone that
they reason that the miserable or even maybe really harmful relationship that you're in
or you were in or you'd like to get back in is better than no relationship at all which
isn't really true but people's codependency with this deep-seated loneliness of not knowing how
to be with self feel lost and for some people feel at points in time extremely frustrated
unable to cope and angry really really angry and anger can motivate that action a reverse hoover
re-contact that isn't really good for you but often anger out of loneliness depression and pain
will drive people to do what is not in their own best interest to do
and what will in a short period of time or not too long a period of time cause the same cycle
if someone gets back with the ex and you'll come back to being just as hurt just as devastated
just as angry just as depressed and just as lost with self again without a relationship and will
do almost anything sometimes to rehoover or not hopefully to be hoovered they want
to re-engage they want to try one more time and one more time can turn into so many more times
or a series of relationships with people with bp or npd and this is all being driven by the
fact that for many people with codependency they just don't feel worthy of being with themselves
don't really know who they are there is that false self within codependency that sort of to varying
degrees for people with codependency a separation from cell and what is that dysfunctional unhealthy
relationship to and with self and then when that's going on and you have codependency
without healing and being a recovery journey for that without healing that
you're going to go on to seek someone who's not going to be healthy for you but but people with
codependency will do that because the pain of loneliness that isn't just about the cluster b
it's a it goes back to childhood in the seeds of codependency loneliness drives people to really
engage with people that either they're just meeting and going forward and missing all the red
flags or people that they've been in relationships with that they know who they are and they know
what their issues are and they know that they're untreated borderlines or that they are narcissists
but they just can't stand not being in a relationship and they can't stand being alone
so people that are really really lonely some have called it quote pathologically unquote lonely i
don't want to use that word but are just driven to get back with the x or reconnect or get hoovered
or hoover and reverse hoover and that is just something that is so not in your best interest but
so many people not you know so many people with codependency are really driven by this loneliness
this inability to be with self because you don't know yourself well enough and there
is a pulse open codependency as well and this isn't everybody with codependency but it's a
lot a lot of codependent and and people with codependency who are really lonely
seem to really think more about the past a deeper situation is making it more than
just being without human companionship people feel well i'm alone right now
this is me like it defines you when it doesn't extroverts will feel a lot worse
when they're alone and codependent and not having a positive healthy relationship to and with self
then introverted people will but it can still be painful either way there's cognitive distortions
involved in this too because you're telling yourself something about the x or if you got
ghosted or why it didn't work out or who they went on to next and what about you and you're
telling yourself a story a narrative that is is cognitively distorted about what happened
you want to be in the relationship but you always tell yourself you might know that to be in that
relationship with with ex or whatever is not healthy for you but you might also be thinking
well i i have to be in a relationship um and you tell yourself because i won't meet anybody again
and and i've been hearing recently from clients with a lot of loneliness and
wanting to be hoovered and and or taking action to try to reverse hoover um doing things kind of
happen happen between to try to get the person's attention to see if they will hoover or not you
know in the world we live in today with whatever's going on restrictions in a lot of places perhaps
another lockdown coming who knows people are saying but so people with this loneliness this not
healthy relationship to myself with codependency definitely are saying well i don't know like i i
might not find anybody else and it's so hard in this world which it's really hard in this world
today to really find somebody healthy but before a codependent goes and looks for somebody healthy
you first have to be healthy within yourself in your relationship with into yourself but a
lot of people are saying but i gotta get in touch with the ex i'm gonna hoover them back i'm gonna
try to make it work again because it's just easier than trying to get to know somebody else but is it
really easier it can be so incredibly rewounding a lot of people just get really bored um
because they haven't found anything that they want to do when they're alone but also
it's this lack of relationship to authentic self people with codependency are having that
unhealthy relationship to them with self that is really about the false self being in between you
and your authentic self you might be surrounded by unhealthy people and maybe you could develop
closer friendships and more social support but often people are so fixated and and focused on the
acts that they're just not feeling able or like they just don't feel like they can connect with
even friends they have let them make new ones a lot of times people feel like they're really weak
if they fear being alone and and i would say often that's more true especially for men and then you
feel like you're you may feel like you're going to get judged because you don't have a wife or
a girlfriend at whatever age you are because it goes across the spectrum of age but the thing is
there's an inability there to calm down and feel better by one cell you know so so people with
codependency with this really deep loneliness because of this dysfunctional relationship to
myself lack soothing skills and so the inability to come and feel better or to soothe yourself
and be okay to be with yourself the roots um can be from well the roots are from something
in your childhood but they're also more immediately what you're most aware of is
that you feel abandoned or because lots of people codependency have abandonment issues too
and you're just in so much pain about being ghosted or a relationship breakup
that doesn't make sense to you or you're not sure if it's over or not
so really for a lot of people codependency and the loneliness and and the feeling of need to be in
a relationship to escape self really but people aren't often aware of that really uh comes from
something that you need to know more about by doing inner child healing work and in that
recovery process and then many people when you know after a breakup with personal bp or npd then
you're also appearing or having anxiety about now thinking about the past thinking about the
good part of them the cognitive dissonance but now you might have anxiety about the future too
i mean not only the world etc what's going on out there but you might get really anxious that
something will happen to you and how will you cope with it and and what's already happened is
bad enough and people don't know how to cope with that loss hurts you know whether that person was
largely not healthy for you or not and sometimes codependents feel this loneliness this brokenness
after cluster b which that can be part that's a big part of it but it goes back to something in
childhood too they feel a sense of no intrinsic value internally and in their world around them
because if you're really super lonely and you need someone to come and rescue you or get back with
that ex to to take you away from your plight that you don't know how to be with you then
other people may see you as a drain on them like even if it was a co-dependent with a person
without cluster b so you know you want to have something to offer and you want to give and rescue
and help the person with boredom with borderline personality or narcissistic personality
you want to keep trying to change them and rescue them and fix them and externalize out this
uncomfortable inability to self-soothe and not having a healthy relationship to and with yourself
that drives for so many this loneliness that is so deep that it's often called quote pathological
and quote loneliness which i don't like to pathologize anything because i don't think that's
where we find solutions people often feel useless they're very harsh on themselves feelings of guilt
all those questions about well if only i said this or did that those things that aren't the
reason why cluster bees just leave or break up or take off or so it's really important to know
that you need to get in your own healing recovery journey because if you don't
you're going to be ending up with if not the x or the on off again person
with cluster b or bp or npd you're going to end up with the next person with bp or npd because you
don't know how to be with yourself how to sit with yourself how to soothe yourself how to really be
authentically yourself because there's a false up in the way there's a wounded inner child
there and now you've been really hurt wounded by somebody with bpd or a narcissist and it's just
triggering you back and you might not be consciously aware of this yet to
something from your childhood so loneliness is a real driver for people that will reverse hoover
or try to provoke a hoover from the x and want to try again and want to go around again
because the only thing you can think of is that how you feel right now hurts too much
so that makes it seem like getting back with that person who continually hurt you is the thing to
do of course there's no rationality in this it comes from a depth of emotions that people
haven't learned how to skillfully cope with so if you're somebody with codependency
after in your next of a borderline or narcissist or you know on and off again
or maybe in the off cycle and you want a hoover a reverse hoover or you're hoping they'll hoover you
or you're kind of not no contact and there still is contact and you really want to try again to
know that what you really need to do is find yourself learn to like and love yourself and
do the inner child hearing healing the family of origin work the self-differentiation work
to be able to have a healthy relationship with yourself first because if you don't
have a healthy relationship to and with yourself first how can you really expect to have a healthy
and and prosperous healthy balanced relationship with someone else
you