(VHS sounds)
(chill music plays)
(censor beep)
Hey YouTube World!
It’s Me, Evelyn.
I come to you in the spirit of fatigue.
I come to you in the spirit of dry scalp.
I put lotion on just my forearms today.
But I did take a shower.
I come to you in the spirit of poor posture.
Bra straps that dig into yo shoulder meat.
That's the energy that I'm coming to y'all with.
So now that y’all know where I’m at??!??!?
(fire crackling sounds)
For the past couple years I’ve done an end of year review or recap here on the YouTube
internets for your viewing pleasure.
And it's always forced me to slow down and look back through all my photos and videos,
my journal entries, so that I can really come back and report back to y'all all the things
that I did, the places that I went, the feelings i felt, dreams i dreamt.
This year, I’m not into it.
I’m not even gon’ lie.
I'm not even gon' lie.
Matter fact, if it wasn’t for the fact that we filmed that Christmas video on Thanksgiving,
I woulda just seen y’all in 2020.
'Cause December can kick rocks.
December can go kick rocks.
So I'm going to listen to myself.
Listen to my body, my spirit.
And I'm going to honor my emotions and talk about the ways that 2019 sucked and the lessons
that I learned.
But first, a lil montage. Cause it wasn't all bad.
(chill hip hop music plays)
Aight, so boom.
Now that gratitude is out of the way, let's get to the suck!
Let's get to the suck.
I kicked off 2019 with a falling out.
It was a break up, essentially.
It was confusing.
It was irritating.
It was stressful, poorly timed almost offensively timed.
And it hurt.
It was a new experience.
I hope y'all see this from the screen, you feel this - I'm not someone who has a trail
of burned bridges behind me, you know what I'm saying.
That's not me.
I handled the situation the best way I knew how at the time, for sure.
But that was pre-therapy Evelyn.
I can definitely say I would have handled it differently now.
And that's growth.
I feel like the outcome and the decision I made would've been the same.
And that’s just a shame.
The biggest lessons I learned from that ordeal, from falling out with someone.
Number one.
You are not the exception to the rule.
The way someone treats others is the way they will treat you.
Maybe not now, but eventually.
Number two.
Know the difference between a friend and a coworker or colleague.
They’re not the same.
Number three, and this is the hardest lesson of all I think because I like to be liked.
I learned that it’s okay to be the bad guy in someone else’s story.
Woo!
This feel good.
Can't even lie.
I already feel a weight come off.
I didn't wanna film a video at all, but--
2019 also had some missed opportunities.
I had the chance to meet Michelle Obama and I couldn’t go because I had to go to work.
(crowd boos and groans) I'm sorry- let me say that again.
I was going to meet Michelle Obama but I had to go to work.
Now I know you will speculate all the reasons why I should have walked out but in my particular
line of work, ah!
Now that's a bridge you don't wanna burn.
(violins play) Just sit with that, and weep with me.
I was also asked to audition for a TV show that’s coming out on TV.
Did I mention it was television?
It was a TV show in which on TV, um, the role would be on TV.
I don’t have an agent, I'm not a working actress.
I don’t go on auditions - but they called me.
So this opportunity was obviously alleyooped to me by someone on the inside who believed
in me.
They believed in my abilities.
When I tell y’all that I fumbled the ball.
(fire crackle sounds) It was embarrassing.
I cried.
Twice.
Before doing the audition and then after doing the audition.
It was garbage.
And I sent a text to the person that I know was the one who gave me the opportunity, who
kind of said "Evelyn", right?
You know, a seat at the table - all that.
I sent them a text and I was like "I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry!
It's bad.
It's really bad!"
"Throw the whole thing away!
Throw me away!"
I didn’t know what I was doing.
I knew they were the one who gave me that shot, and I didn’t give it my all.
The role uncovered some personal issues that I have and I didn’t wanna go there.
And acting requires that you go there.
Like, you have to go where the character goes.
But if inside yourself, you're like - "Ooh, this too close to home!
Don't wanna go there" you know you do that dance when you wanna exit the room.
That's what I was doing in that audition and I wasn't diving in.
My brain went to the future.
My brain assumed I got the job first of all - it's just an audition.
My brain was like "what if I get it?
What if my world crumbles?"
Too much!
It's too much.
Too much stress.
What a fail, am I right?
So the lessons that I learned from those two missed opportunities:
Number one: It’s okay to be confident.
Listen to me.
I will meet Michelle Obama.
I'm not even stressed, pressed, worried, concerned.
I will meet Michelle Obama.
It’s just a thing that I know.
It's a feeling that I have.
It's a fact.
When I found out I couldn’t go to the function with our former FLOTUS, my first thought was
WOW THIS SUCKS I HATE EVERYONE!!
My second thought was the opportunity will present itself again.
Number two: It’s okay to say no if you’re not ready.
It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.
With the audition, I didn’t want to “waste” the “chance” but because I wasn’t honest
with myself I screwed up my chance anyway.
Cute, huh?!
This is fun.
Are you having fun??
In 2019 yo girl was overwhelmed!
Mid-key, high key overwhelmed.
Frequently!
Nonsense!
For no reason- I mean, there were reasons, but all avoidable.
Learning process.
Teachable moments.
Let's get into it.
This was my first year being self-employed, and shout out to my friends for always reminding
me of that so I can give myself some grace.
I was learning so many new things about insurance, taxes, business law, time management.
I always felt like I was playing catch up.
I always felt behind.
Like I was winging it.
Like I was hamster wheeling it.
And that meant pulling all nighters like I’m 19.
Mama need sleep!
It ain't a luxury.
It's a necessity!
Yo girl gon' be hung over for 48 hours if I don't sleep the correct amount of sleep.
Touch and agree.
Touch.
That meant a lot of panic, a lot of anxiousness and worry.
A lot of dread.
That feeling of when you got stuff to do, hella stuff to do hallelujah amen we booked and
blessed but you don't know where to start, so you stay in bed and do nothing.
Thus making the problem larger.
It's a snowball effect.
But we OFF THAT IN 2020, and I'ma tell you why.
I'ma tell you how.
This experience of being overwhelmed taught me that duh - I don’t not have processes
and work flow and systems in place to make my life and my business run easier and run
smoothly.
We finna set that up in the new year.
We already begun setting it up.
It already been had been set up.
I also learned to ask for help before it gets bad.
What a concept.
It’s better to say "oh, nevermind I actually got this!" than to be scrambling and scraping
by.
The third lesson from this experience was I was not aligned in 2019.
Alignment is when what you think and feel matches what you say matches what you do.
Alignment, okay?
Now listen to me.
Saying you’ll do something when you don’t want to do it is not being nice.
It’s called lying.
(applause) And I learned that lesson in 2019.
And finally!
The major reason that 2019 sucked is because I started going to therapy.
And therapy works by making you uncomfortable.
Every week or however frequently you go, you gotta talk about all the things you don’t
wanna talk about.
All the things you have been avoiding.
All the issues you not finna address.
All the people you wanna leave behind.
You uncover patterns in your behavior.
You're more self-aware.
And the difficult thing about being self-aware is that just because you know what needs to
change, doesn't make it easier to change.
It just means now you know what you have to do.
Ignorance really is bliss.
That is a rip off!
And I pay out of pocket, so --
I started therapy in June or July of 2019, and I said I’d give myself a year.
Give it my best.
Give it my all.
And not all therapy is about receiving a diagnosis.
And there’s nothing wrong with getting help for a particular disorder or seeking treatment
for something clinical.
I wanted to be a better person because I'm the only home that I have.
It's not like my soul bounce from body to body.
In this life, this is it.
This is all we doing!
So I might as well be the best me inside me that I can be.
So that meant a lot of crying - in the car after the session not actually during - you
know I haven't cried in front of them 'cause I'm a thug, okay?!
It meant a lot of thinking about things I’d rather not think about.
But ultimately my decision to go to therapy is the ultimate act of self care.
All the face masks in the world not gon' help my mind.
Anyway, this year happened.
Uh...roll the montage!
You know, I’m excited to be alive in 2020.
I can definitely say that for all the suckage, it was mostly internal.
The suckage was not external you know what I'm saying?
We here.
We surviving.
We hopefully are thriving and when it comes to this whole living thing - I ain't got no
qualms.
Let's do it again!
I’m not going into the new year with hope, I’m going into the new year with understanding.
(speaks in tongues)
That girl good!
That's a good one.
So thank you - my Internet Cousins for making this lil crevice of the world wide web a fun
place to be.
Y'all are funny, insightful, supportive, vulnerable, kind, y'all always be showing up for my shenanigans.
So in the comments below, please tell me let me how your year went.
And if all goes well and according to plan, I will see you in 2020 on the internet somewhere.
Bye!
(sings) Hallelujah!
I'm so glad the year is over.
I just wanna stay in bed and eat snacks.
And watch the world burn.
alright, I'm done.