[music playing]
[knocking on door]
- Hi. - Hi there.
Come on in.
How's it going?
I'm here today to visit Dave and Amber
and get up to speed as to how their marriage is progressing.
I had some concerns about some of Amber's insecurities,
and want to spend some time checking in with both of them
about that, and hopefully solve any issues that may
have come up while doing so.
In general, how have things been going between the two of you?
Yeah, we've kind of hit a little bit of a rough patch,
I think.
We had a date night the other night,
and I feel like maybe the communication is-- we're
missing each other somewhere. - OK.
AMBER: I do feel like he's been critical a few times.
And then here he is wanting me to change
my hair to be more his type.
DAVE: Uh, that's not true.
AMBER: So I just kind of went, like, on a downward spiral
from there.
I do have an insecurity that I might not be Dave's type.
And it's not that I think I'm unattractive,
it's just that feeling of being judged.
And just all these negative thoughts
are just running through my mind pretty much all the time.
And that kind of sucks.
DAVE: You know, Amber is a beautiful girl.
There's no question about that.
I would never want you to change who you are,
but I think maybe we're mishearing some things,
or things are being taken the wrong way.
JESSICA GRIFFIN: So Dave, talk to Amber
about how you feel when she starts
to go into that negative space.
When you go to that negative place,
it worries me about our future.
AMBER: I'm just worried, like, you were, like, disappointed,
like, when you saw me that I'm not, like,
what you had in mind.
But really, what did you rate me?
A seven and a half.
Oh my god, are you kidding me?
So why not stop dying it?
That doesn't sound good.
You're just not-- you're not a girl, so you don't understand.
That's true, I am not a girl.
You're not a female, so you don't get it.
JESSICA GRIFFIN: So Amber, I want
to give you an opportunity to respond to Dave
and what he said.
I can see how you can be concerned
about me being negative.
I just think, as my feelings get stronger for you,
my fear also gets stronger because I feel--
I don't feel secure, so I take it defensively anything
that you say.
JESSICA GRIFFIN: It is completely normal and natural
to have insecurities in any marriage,
but especially in a marriage within the context of getting
married at first sight.
You are marrying someone who you've never met before.
You're not sure how they communicate, whether or not
they're being honest with you and just trying
not to hurt your feelings.
And so that is challenging psychologically.
People enter relationships with different attachment styles.
Some people securely attach right away.
Other people may be more anxious attachers.
This pattern that we're seeing, you know,
the closer that she feels to you,
the more deeply she feels this, more scared she is.
And Dave, you have to let her know,
I want to work through this because our marriage is
important.
You know, one of the fears that she has,
as you know, in her insecurities,
it has to do with the fact that she
also doesn't want to lose you. DAVE: Yeah.
JESSICA GRIFFIN: So check in with how
safe each other is feeling.
How can I make you feel more supported in this marriage?
Do you feel safe in this marriage?
What can I do to make you feel safer?
OK.
DAVE: I care about Amber a lot.
The most important thing about the marriage is just Amber.
You know, just making sure that she's taken care of,
that she feels safe in this marriage,
she feels like she can trust me.
It's my sincere hope that Amber and I live a long and happy
life together, that we have a big house and kids
and, you know, far into the future,
look back as this being the beginning of our awesome, crazy
love story. - Make sense?
AMBER: Mhm. DAVE: Yes.
JESSICA GRIFFIN: OK. - Yeah.