>> This episode of the Modern Rogue,
brought to you by Roman.
>> Go to getroman.com/rogue and get a free online visit
and free two-day shipping.
>> Yeah man, take care of that thing.
Look, you don't have to worry about it,
none of us have to want to worry about it,
just get it done, take care of that.
>> Yeah, take care of it.
>> I don't even know if Jason likes coffee.
This might be a really bad idea.
>> We'll just give him coffee, because I don't care.
[Brian laughing]
I want to give it to, I want to give him a gift.
No matter what. >> Okay. Fair enough.
[record crackling]
>> Okay so I'm going to guess that you don't
start with flavored gelatin.
I'm going to guess that you add whatever flavors you want.
>> I'm not going to put any rules or limitations
on the people watching. >> Because otherwise,
it would be lemon-lime jello coffee.
And I don't think that's going to be good.
>> Now, I regret this whole setup here.
Because we just have plain gelatin.
>> All right how do we, where do we start?
>> I think people should know that coffee jello is a thing.
And the whole reason we're doing this episode
is because I just said, "Hey, Brian, coffee jello."
>> I could do word salad, too.
>> Yes. >> Look at me.
I can have a stroke.
>> And it is literally as complicated as it sounds.
Coffee -- >> Just coffee and jello.
>> and jello, that's it.
I'm just going to give you the ingredients,
which are gelatin --
>> Okay.
>> And you're just going to --
>> And see if I'm able to screw it up.
Okay. >> Yeah.
>> Let's see.
Instructions on the back say --
>> Don't read those.
Even Jello wants to get too fancy with jello.
This is like juice, fruit punch mixture thing.
Just...
>> Four packages of gelatin.
>> For four cups of coffee.
Now, warning.
Anybody who is confronted by coffee jello,
they're going to start eating it like jello
and it's not jello, it's coffee jello.
>> That's what I wanted to get to,
because I assumed that four cups
is like a whole pot of coffee.
My guess is you could easily eat that much jello
and suddenly you're a little bit wired.
>> Yeah, I mean, do the math of you have
like a nine ounce cup of coffee that you're sipping
over the course of 30, 45 minutes.
You got like a pound of jello.
You could just finish that in a single sitting.
>> I'm smelling like exam-time powers here.
>> So let's be careful.
>> Okay, so it's one cup of coffee per oop, that's hot.
One cup of coffee per package of gelatin.
This looks like we have what, five cups in there?
>> We'll find out, because we have measuring
marks right there. >> Oh, there we go.
Actual cups.
Cups is not just an imperial measurement.
So just keep going until I hit four cups?
>> JOHN: Yep.
>> That seems right, right?
And I assume, what?
Just mix it in there?
Get it all nice and even? >> Just stir it.
>> Got it.
>> That's the hard part.
>> Is this one of those things
where it's like you only have a few seconds
before it turns to like C-4 or something?
>> Probably.
I mean, I'm sure if we had a qualified chef,
they would be telling you exactly how to stir,
versus how not to stir.
But I wouldn't know much about coffee jello,
because I'm just a partner of the quarter at Starbucks
back in the day, back in the early odds.
>> I, number one, you have it.
Number two, you framed it.
Number three, I assume these are your old uniforms.
>> Nobody said that.
Those were given to me in perfectly legitimate ways.
>> We'll bleep out all the corporate words.
Okay, so I think this is all blended in now.
>> See, that looks pretty good, but I know Jason,
and I know that Jason kind of has a sweet tooth,
despite not liking chocolate,
but that's a whole another issue,
so I'm going to add a little Splenda,
because not a lot of people know this
about you, me and Jason.
We are fiends for non-sugar sweeteners.
>> Nope.
I take it black.
To be honest, what you're doing is an abomination.
>> But -- >> If you want sugar
and spice, why did you order coffee?
>> That's a good question.
But I, like most good-hearted Americans
like my coffee sweet and milky.
>> Yeah, you know what?
I think I did a dumb thing when I poured it right in,
because we've worked with gelatin before
and you want to really pour in the liquid slow
and stir its way in.
>> Narrator: Slowly add a little bit at a time
and you're going to mix it in.
What I've been told is that stirring it cold
means you will not get as many clumps or bubbles.
>> I'm going to add a little more sweetener.
And you know what?
A little bit of cinnamon, because Brian,
what does cinnamon go in?
>> Hot chocolate.
>> Everything. >> Okay.
>> Cinnamon goes in everything.
>> BRIAN: It's the MSG of sweet things.
>> JOHN: Yes.
Oh, I miss MSG.
>> Dude, I MSG in my eggs.
>> What? >> I put it on everything.
I do. >> Where do you get it?
>> You say, "Alexa, please send me MSG."
And then she says, "It comes in this two-pound bag."
And I say, "Great."
And then I have it and it goes in everything.
>> All right, good to know.
It seems like I'm going a little crazy with the Splenda,
but keep in mind, this is like four cups of coffee,
which to me, is like six cups of coffee,
once I add my sweetener and cream and all that stuff.
>> Yeah, so so far, we've only added what?
Like two or three?
>> So far, we've added, I want to say like seven or eight.
>> Okay.
So we could probably do a few more.
>> So that's, yeah, I'm going to add a little pumpkin spice,
because I'm basic.
>> Wait, wouldn't basic be black?
That's like I wanted to make black coffee.
>> I'm going to add a little bit of cream.
>> All right.
>> For me, the important thing about coffee jello
is you just make the coffee you want to drink --
>> Right. >> And add gelatin.
That's it.
That's how complex it is.
>> All right, we ready to pour?
>> Yeah, let's get it in here.
>> Now I know that you don't want a lot of those bubbles
in there, because otherwise they harden with those bubbles
on top and that's a nasty-mouth feel.
>> There we go.
>> Yeah.
>> And this should be enough caffeine to keep Jason busy
for at least four or five days,
or one really productive day.
>> This is like a prescription for five short stories
or one novelette. >> Yes.
>> Oh, that does look good.
So at this point, we're done with
all the mixing of everything?
>> We're done, we're just going to put this in the fridge
for about three hours, recommended.
>> Ooh, that's warm.
>> And it should be good to go.
>> All right, here we go, here we go.
You didn't tell me there'd be a physical challenge here.
>> Oh, yeah, it's like 30 yards away.
>> BRIAN: In fact, can you, can you open it?
>> JOHN: Yep.
>> Yeah.
>> There we go.
>> Okay, so in three hours, we'll have Jason's batch.
But you made some earlier.
I want to know what this tastes like.
>> Yes, well.
Do you want to know what my version tastes like?
The super sweet, sexy one? >> Oh, did you
do something clever?
>> Or, do you want just your plain --
>> You did straight black for me?
>> Regular for you. >> Yes.
>> And you know what?
For you, I even made it out of our locally roasted beans.
>> Whatever, they ain't paying us, don't --
>> Just let me say locally roasted beans.
That's all I want, okay?
You show where I say local about something.
>> [laughing] Okay, so do we have a plate or something?
>> Oh, we have forks. >> Okay.
>> And, I also have some whipped cream.
>> Oh.
>> If you would like some, sir.
>> Let's see how fancy we can make this.
It feels like jello, man.
>> JOHN: And keep in mind, these guys
have only been sitting in the fridge for like an hour.
>> BRIAN: Ooh, look at that.
That looks fancy.
>> You were giving yours the fancy presentation,
on the plate and everything.
I'm keeping mine in a cup, because see,
you could like the night before,
just brew yourself some coffee jello
and then next morning, you got your cup of
jello joe. >> Come on,
look how classy that looks, though.
That's some fine black coffee jello.
Caffeine shots.
Okay.
That's a big bite, oops.
>> Oh my god.
That is exactly as good as I remember it.
>> Black coffee's weird. [laughing]
>> I mean, may I?
>> Yeah.
I can't even taste the coffee until,
until the aftertaste.
It just tastes like unflavored gelatin up front
>> Yeah.
>> And then, ew, I'm so glad that we didn't do black coffee.
>> See, this is why you have to add stuff to coffee,
because coffee's gross.
[Brian laughing]
>> It's like whiskey or wine.
>> Yes, they're all gross.
>> It's what adults have tricked us into eating
and drinking all these years.
>> That little bit of whipped cream, though,
does give it a little bit of oomph.
>> Right? >> On the up front.
But of course, it doesn't matter what we think.
What matters is how does Jason like it?
Time travel.
[heavy band beat]
[dog barking]
>> Okay, so this was left on my front porch.
There was a smiley face here,
before it started to disintegrate.
There's whipped cream.
Hmm, coffee.
Okay, as with most things left
on my front porch, I eat them.
This looks somewhere between delicious and horrifying.
I can't quite determine yet.
There's some sort of agar here, like maybe this
was something for a petri dish?
Okay.
Well, it's like coffee-flavored jello.
I'm not the biggest coffee fan.
I usually drink it black.
And sip it, and it's only for its effects,
not for its taste.
I'm assuming this is much the same,
because I'm not going to eat it for its taste.
It's like if you left your coffee on the dash
and you put too much something
in there and it just congealed.
I'm going to eat this whole thing
until I get like heart palpitations.
I don't know what the hell you guys are up to,
but this is not the kind of science
that Jason sees that I can get behind.
I feel funny.
I think I need to lie down.
Or run around the block.
>> Look, Murphy.
I understand that our bodies are just dumb vessels
that decay over time, and I understand
that once you're past the age of 40, yes,
52% of all men will experience
some kind of erectile dysfunction.
What I don't understand is the 75%
of men who are experiencing it refusing
to talk to a doctor about it.
>> Oh, there's no reason --
Yes, everyone is slowly marching towards the grave,
but Roman can help you stave off
the negative effects of that.
Fight off that erectile dysfunction easily and privately,
in the security and safety and comfort of your own home.
>> Oh, [beep] right, man, we're talking about real doctors,
we're talking about real medicine.
You don't have to do any of that awkward stuff
where you go in and you sit and you wait for the dudes
in the white coats and they judge you
with their beady doctor eyes.
I'm talking about real doctors, who are able
to get you the real medicine, boom.
>> Yeah, and you get free online consultation
in the comfort of your own home,
just go to getroman.com/rogue
and they'll send it to you free in two days.
>> It's discreet, it's classy, you get free two-day shipping
and they're going to take care of that thing.
You don't have to make a big deal about it.
Head on over to getroman.com/rogue.
R-O-G-U-E.
You just got to spell it right.
[click]
[digital wind sound]
>> JOHN: For those of you who are curious as to
how I made my actual delicious coffee jello, here you go.
I did start with a rich, dark roast,
because ironically, light roasts
are harsh and acidic and gross.
We just went with the drip system, which is fine.
As you probably guessed, I added a few packets of Splenda.
A splash of sugar-free hazelnut creamer.
Some half-and-half, because I fear sugar, not fat.
Some cinnamon, obviously.
And of course, the gelatin.
And that's how I got my delicious coffee jello.