So this next segment is our mailbag.
First I'll read the submission.
I'll ask you to get a grade of it.
So it's either dry, moist, or fully juiced,
fully juiced being the most salacious
and dry being very boring.
And then I ask that you kind of explain
the reasoning behind it. Okay.
So two bathroom debacles from my old job.
All right, the first one, one guy from the Texas,
but like Austin, Texas office got fired
because he took a dump
and forgot his handgun in the bathroom stall. (laughs)
Whoa, whoa. That's... (laughs)
In the main Chicago office, some guy kept taking a huge shit
and then not flushing it.
Like, this happened for a week straight.
Eventually our CEO called all the men to the bathroom,
stood at a table and threatened to get the poop DNA sample
so he could identify and sue
slash fire the non flushing culprit. (laughs)
Oh my God.
That one's fully juiced just because of the extent
that the boss was prepared to go to,
which I bet it's a bluff, but I have to appreciate.
Like, you gotta do what you gotta do
to get this monster to stop.
What kind of, what kind of monster?
Just look, I can tell you right now there isn't a company
in the world that takes poop samples from DNA. (laughs)
(laughs) Good point.
That is, at least not casually
taking poop samples for DNA.
Certainly not like-
It's like, hey your shit samples to us
so we can solve your office crime.
Yeah, because probably to do it right,
they would have to come do it,
not just trust some middle manager
to have collected the sample correctly in toilet water
that would also have other people's DNA in it, presumably.
I think, well no, tell you what,
toilet water should be pretty clear between people.
Not if it isn't flushed. Not if it's not flushed,
but that should be the only...
Look, that's a very good question.
I'm not very good at DNA. I've never had to test it.
I think that's a good company to start.
Somebody out there that's listening.
Yeah, yes. This is your chance
to take it to market 'cause you know what?
Surprisingly, we get a lot of people
not shitting in offices as gossip.
Wow, yeah, I can see that. It is a lot of people
shitting and not flushing.
That is really, it's everyone's favorite trademark
when they're pretty pissed off in the world of gossip
is to take a dump somewhere and either not flush
or put it in a place or shit somewhere
where they're not supposed to shit,
which is really impressive.
Is that just some kind of kink
that society at large won't admit?
Because I don't share that kink,
and I don't understand it, but it does seem to be rampant.
The main reason I don't even go camping
is because I'm put in a place where I'm not allowed to shit
where I wanna shit, which is the toilet.
Exactly. And the idea
of having anyone else see what I've created,
I don't want that, I never wanted that.
I never want that to happen to me.
No, no, no. But like, I feel like
there was a culture of people- I'm not that kind of artist.
(laughs) But I've known people who send photos,
and I really wish they wouldn't.
To you? Yeah, I had a couple friends
in my past who liked to send me a photo
if they took something that they considered
a hefty poop that they were very proud of.
Oh my God, whoa. You know what?
This reminds me, and this goes to gossip, too.
There was a friend of ours when we were just out of college.
We'll call them, this guy's last name was Schneider.
It wasn't, but let's just say. (laughs) I believe you.
And their family was notorious
for having the Schneider poo knife because their family,
the men in the family took such massive dumps
that for it to go down the toilet, it had to be chopped.
So they kept this knife- What?
The Schneider poo knife next to the toilet. (chuckles)
(laughs) What?
(coughs) Oh my God. (laughs)
That's all I know. I don't know what kind of knife it was.
I don't know the circumstances.
(laughs) God, it was a steak knife or like a?
Like now that's some, like, I never knew that was an option.
For some reason, I picture one of those long
cake icing knives that you get a flat edge-
(laughs) With a flat edge, yes.
That's like, blunt-tipped. Yeah, yeah.
(Solomon laughing)
Oh, oh, wow. I never...
That's A, impressive and B, very concerning
for whatever's going on in that family's bowels.
Yeah, yeah. But I love
that it's hereditary and...
(Solomon and Matt laughing)
It's not just one. It's all of us.