- Zack is feeling great.
Drivers' Ed starts today, which is the first step
in his plan to drive girls far away, park,
and demand a hand job for a ride home.
Zack begins his campaign for parked car hostage sex
by giving Kelly a ring.
She says they just started dating
and she's not ready to be his girlfriend.
Zack has no respect for her well-defined boundaries
and says, "Relax.
"It's a friendship ring."
Kelly asks if there's anything she can do for her friend.
Zack suggests sexual favors.
Mr. Tuttle says a car is a responsibility
and a privilege, two concepts Zack has no time for.
Mr. Tuttle pop quizzes on the correct driving hand position.
Zack says, "One hand on the wheel, the other
"groping your passenger."
Slater answers correctly.
"Hands at 10 and two, so you have control of your car."
Zack makes fun of his ability to drive safely
without assaulting anyone.
Kelly says Zack needs to take Drivers' Ed seriously.
He ignores her and displays the cheap ring he bought
so every guy can see he owns her.
Zack wants to know why his friends are sad,
mistaking homework for depression.
They say they don't have money for cars.
Zack says he'll be driving his dad's Porsche
when he turns 16,
a very sad thing to lie about.
Slater says he just bought a car.
Zack says if he didn't buy that ring,
he could have bought a car.
Another bummer of a lie.
Slater shows the gang his car and says,
"It needs a little work."
Zack jumps for joy because work and misfortune
are synonymous to him, then says,
"Even the doctors who worked on Michael Jackson"
"couldn't fix this car,"
a bad joke that makes no sense
for a variety of reasons.
The gang minus Zack chips in, and the car looks great.
Zack, who sees the world like an infant,
says he won't be 16 for months, so who cares
because nobody can drive until then.
Slater says he turns 16 next week.
Zack decides to be the only teenager in history
to actively prevent a friend with a car
from getting their license.
Zack says he's ready to take class seriously,
unlike some people,
*cough* *cough* Slater.
Tuttle says Slater's his best student,
and Zack says, "That's the thing."
"He's so good he's been telling people"
"he should teach the class."
Now Zack has a paranoid teacher squashing
a student's passion to learn, with the goal
of depriving his friends and himself
of happiness.
Mr. Tuttle gives Slater a challenge and he nails it,
and Zack envisions a nightmare well Kelly and Slater
are happily dating, but they're still discussing Zack
because this child can't picture a reality
where he's not the center of attention
and six feet away at all times.
Zack offers Slater 20 bucks for a private lesson,
then tells Screech to impersonate Mr. Tuttle
and request Belding get the keys he left
in the Drivers' Ed car,
after Screech stalls
for exactly five minutes.
Zack goes to steal a car, and leaves his friend alone
on a bathroom floor to commit countdown timer
identity theft.
Zack spastically pulls the stolen car around.
Slater says they could get in big trouble
driving in the halls.
Zack says his $20 deserves a hallway lesson,
and he could learn better if Slater was driving
and he was outside the car entirely,
the best way to learn how to drive a car.
Kelly's on her way to practice.
Slater graciously offers a ride.
Zack commands his woman to get back.
Zack, fearful Kelly will get caught in this hot ride,
thereby delaying his parked car tugger,
screams at the top of his lungs.
Slater, distracted by Zack's shrill outburst,
crashes the car into lockers.
Zack ignores Kelly's head wound and berates Slater,
then, hearing Belding coming on cue, flees the scene
of the accident he orchestrated.
Mr. Belding announces, "Whoever's responsible"
"has until tomorrow to fess up."
Kelly blames herself because she accepted a ride
knowing Zack's a jealous bitch,
and Zack got jealous like a bitch,
then cried like a bitch,
and that's why they crashed.
Zack is ready to apologize, but Kelly,
who just suffered head trauma, says it wasn't his fault.
That's all Zack needs to hear to feel he's off the hook.
Zack tells Slater he's fully to blame
because he was driving.
Zack says if he was at fault,
he'd be man enough to turn himself in,
because the saddest lies
are the ones we tell ourselves.
Slater wonders how Belding was right there.
Screech blabs he was on the phone
because Zack was keeping him on the phone
after planting info that the Drivers' Ed keys
were left unattended.
They decide to teach Zack a lesson before he attempts
more vehicular manslaughter.
Zack wants to know where his woman is.
They say Kelly went home because her head hurt.
Zack, not a doctor,
says she's fine.
Kelly pretends like she doesn't remember Zack
and finally gets to remove that tacky ring.
But when Kelly says she remembers Slater is her boyfriend,
that's too far, and Zack confesses,
unwilling to give up a brain-damaged human
he understands to be his property.
Mr. Belding comes to class for a confession.
Zack says it's fine because Belding will say
if nobody confessed, he's disappointed
but can't get anyone in trouble.
Only that doesn't happen
because that's not how trouble works.
Belding says everyone is now flunking,
and they'll have to repeat Drivers' Ed next year.
Kelly, angel that she is,
says it isn't fair
for everyone to suffer, and she'll take the heat.
Slater, a gentleman,
says he drove the car,
so he'll take the wrap.
And with Belding almost out the door,
Zack says it was his fault, and he set Slater up
to get caught in the stolen car,
but only comes clean because it was his last shot
of maybe, eventually,
securing that parked car handy.
Let's review.
Zack Morris used jewelry to pressure a girl
into a relationship she didn't want,
ignored vital lessons about driving safely,
and when the first person in his group of friends
was about to get their license,
planted seeds of mistrust
with his instructor, then used pay-offs, lies,
and identity theft to manipulate him into driving
stolen school property with the intent to get him busted,
then distracted him while he was operating a moving vehicle,
causing an accident that resulted in a head injury,
and only confessed after his wounded girlfriend
pretended to have the kind of brain damage
that would negate their spurious union,
then let two victims take the blame for their accident
he caused and only accepted defeat as a last-ditch effort
to get the theoretical car sex he felt entitled to.
Zack Morris is trash.