- Hey guys, we're trying to record up here!
No, I'm just kidding, just fucking around.
Yo, it's your boy Desus Nice.
Mhm.
And I'm the Kid Mero. - That's right.
And we're coming back.
Boom, boom.
Season 2, February 3.
That's right, 11 o'clock.
Your favorite show ever returns
to guide you through culture.
We'll talk about politics, talk about sports.
Life, news.
We're gossiping, misnaming white people.
All of that.
We're doing what we do well. You know what I'm saying?
Making you laugh, making you enjoy life and forget
the hellscape that is America.
And we're going to do so well this season,
we are going to win that Grammy.
You know what I'm saying?
We already got a Webby.
We've got a GramTonOscy.
Oh, Oscar and a Essence award, for foresee curls bitch.
Hold that.
Where are we right now?
We are at the home Mecca.
Brand new center!
OK, the brand new set, the bodega building on 34th Street.
You know what I'm saying?
Right across from the Garden.
From the-- well, where are we?
I think we're right across from, like, Rite Aid.
Oh, yeah. True, yeah.
But like, near--
we're Garden adjacent.
Diagonally across.
If we were in the Midwest, we'd see catty-corner.
Catty-corner to the Garden.
So we got that.
We're on 34th Street.
We not hiding from y'all.
You know what I'm saying? - You know what I mean?
We out here.
The number one show on late-night.
We on the number one street in Manhattan, I guess.
I don't know. - I guess.
You know what I'm saying? - 34th Street's pretty popping.
It is?
I've been exploring restaurants in New York,
you know, be a foodie.
Cheers.
Right now the five-star restaurant of choice is Arby's.
They have the meats. - They have the meats, dog.
They have the meats. I don't know what else to say.
They've got like-- don't they got like
pineapple here now and shit? Like, wow.
They do. They do.
It's hard to get a reservation.
But you know, you just-- you know, just--
Just pull up in a trench coat and, like, no clothes under.
I find that if you don't wear shoes, you get a table faster.
Much faster.
That's my-- mwah-- little trick right there.
Or if you've got debris in your beard, you're good.
Talking to someone who's not there,
that'll get you to the front of the line.
Or just stand there, ring the bell, naked.
Ah!
I have meats.
I have the meats too.
Ah!
Welcome to Holiday Heart.
Yo.
[INAUDIBLE]
All right.
Also, anyone we say shout out to,
I want you to know we're coming for your job.
All right?
We will do any commercial.
We'll do (SINGING) oh, oh, oh, Ozempic.
I'll do a Vagisil ad.
I don't give a shit, nigga.
I got no ethics.
And I got bills.
Kotex, holla at me, dog.
I'll show the absorbency with my mouth.
You know what I'm saying?
Just squirt that blue juice in there?
You know what I'm saying? Like, ah!
Ah!
I don't care what chemical it is.
Watch Mero handle a heavy day.
Savage.
Ah!
We drinking.
We're back on schedule.
Shot out to Showtime.
Showtime was like keep them drinking.
Keep them drunk!
Keep them drunk.
Yo, we're gonna go through livers than Mickey Mantle, boy.
All right.
We should have an episode, an intervention, where
I got a hoop earring, and I'm worrying
about if Mero's kids are eating ever since he killed himself.
I'm like, who jumps off the Eiffel Tower?
Yo!
That's a wild flex.
You just see a cut, and I'm like, it's fucking lit!
Or like, uh-uh, you know the vibes!
Ah! Oh, my god!
Lukie, Lukie!
Yes.
And if Mero jumps off the Eiffel Tower,
the digital team will capture it.
You know what I'm saying?
Send me an email like, oh, I need approval on this edit.
I'm like, um, can we get more of a focus shot
on when his body hits the ground?
Thanks.
Also, could you add, like, Sonic rings?
Yo!
Matter of fact, make him fall into, like, an anime intro.
Yo!
Some "Cowboy Bebop" shit, as I'm falling through the air.
Yo!
Tonight on "Toonami."
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, we're going for two seasons.
Two seasons, you know what I'm saying?
Two seasons, just cut it off at the end.
You're like, I really enjoyed that.
What's going to happen?
And listen, this ain't even finished in Japan, my brother.
Like, we've got to wait four years for this.
Yeah, I'm talking about you, "Attack on Titan."
How come there's no black characters
in "Attack on Titan"?
Talk about it.
They not ready for that conversation.
How come "Attack on Titan" doesn't
take place in the Bronx?
Hmm?
That's a big-ass titan.
Like, you're-- they're like, oh, shit.
Yo, that titan's in a tech suit!
Yo, thats titan's on titan's dead-ass.
This mad titan, there's like, Air Force One's, knocking down
buildings and shit.
Yo, fuck out of here, my nigga.
Dead-ass, nigga.
Hip hop, hip hop.
Yo, yo, y'all niggas don't fuck with HOV.
Yo, that female titan got pink Foamposites.
That's very attractive to a hood individual like me.
Yo!
She probably--
They got scrubs and Foams.
Y'all, I'm going to my phlebotomy job.
What the fuck?
All right, relax.
[EXPLOSION SOUNDS]
Relax.
Because we both know as Bronx residents,
there's nothing sexier than a woman in Foams and scrubs
on the train, like, on the train at 8
because you know she got a good job.
- Fam, that's pornography. - Woo!
You know, motherfuckers be like, yo,
that's violence and pornography.
And she's reading one of those--
she's not reading a book.
But she's reading one of those celebrity gossip magazines.
Oh, yes.
So you know she don't got much going on at home.
Man, no, it's just like she's rocking out through "Us Weekly"
and shit, like, yo.
And no matter how poorly you treat her,
she gonna put you up on her Instagram, like, yo!
- Yo, my king! - We fight.
But you know what?
He always comes home to me.
That's right.
He comes home to me, not you, bitch!
And just tags your other baby mama.
I'm like, stop making it hot.
Yo, what the fuck?
She ain't say nothing to you.
Leave your cousin alone.
Stop!
(SINGING) Nobody's supposed to be here.
All right, Deborah Cox, relax.
Relax.
I know you're Canadian with broad shoulders.
But just relax.
What's up with Deborah Cox?
She was fine as hell.
But she's Canadian.
Almost every woman from-- - She is?
Yeah.
Every woman from Canada is fine. - Oh, shit.
Because they have universal health care.
Yeah, they take care of theirselves.
That's it. They've been to the doctor.
They got all their teeth and shit.
That's what those were.
Yeah, Celine Dion--
Celine Dion is a joint.
You know what I'm saying?
Still, she's like 67. - Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah.
And you know her shit yank.
You know what I mean?
You know that because you're part Jamaican now.
Yeah, that's a fact.
You know she got that peanut butter grip.
Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
You know what I'm saying?
She got the hot walk.
Yo.
And she's like, shut the camera.
She's like, yo, shut the camera.
Nigga, what's up?
(SINGING) When you love me like this-- she's like, stop.
Stop loving me like this!
I can't feel my left arm!
Stop loving me like that!
Man, we're back! DESUS: Yeah, Showtime.
We still got it.
Season 2.
DESUS: Season 2, it's going to be even more sucio.
It's like when you go to a doctor
and they dilate your pupils.
We just dilate your pineal gland.
Don't go outside for like four hours.
Four hours, unless you've got BluBlockers.
Also, I hope you have someone here to drive you home
because, you know, like, you've got chance
for you to operate a car.
To operate vibes.
We would operate vibes.
Damn, so where yes, she was just like, oh, no.
No, gosh, darn it!
Oh, no!
Gosh, darn it, niggas!
Who has a harder job?
Our editors or Chris Brown's publicist?
Oh!
Shit.
Chris Brown, he's been behaving well lately, I think.
What is behaving well for Chris Brown?
Yo, not murdering somebody, like, smoking crack--
Oh, Rihanna's single.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
She's not with the billionaire dude no more.
Wow. - Wow.
Everyone's like, oh, I got my chance.
She just broke up with a billionaire.
MERO: You don't have a chance.
You know, like, you don't want to be in it.
You don't want to have that position.
MERO: You have no shot.
Nah.
Listen--
You're the stuff coming from the moon meme right now.
Listen, that first time you go to Chipotle with her,
and they be like, yo, guac is extra.
You're like, [TEETH-SUCKING].
She'll be like, sir?
Also, she got mad money, like.
You don't want to pay for guac?
Also, you can't take Rihanna. to Chipotle.
No.
Like, that's grounds for like, she'll have you arrested.
That's ridiculous.
The only thing you can do with that is try to keep it humble,
like-- DESUS: Keep it humble.
Yo, yo. We going to the old-school spot.
You know what I'm saying?
Yo, let's go to Mingles over by Boston Secor in the Bronx,
all right.
I heard they have a two for one Long Island Iced teas tonight.
You know what I mean?
You can gas her like that.
Like, yo, we gonna chill with our people's.
You know what I'm saying? - See, that kind of works.
If you're rich, you're good because that's like,
kind of Jay-Z knows that because if Jay-Z and Beyoncé
ever broke up, who could Beyoncé date
that will live up to Jay-Z?
Also, Beyoncé got like mad kids now.
Yeah.
Even if she's messing because we're looking at her like--
It's like, even J.Lo.
J.Lo got mad kids.
It was like-- uh?
But A-Rod, you know, he was like, you know what?
I'll take you off the streets.
It's fine, you know?
I'll save her.
DESUS: I love her.
I love her so much.
You have the same highlights. Let's cover some current events.
Yo, current events. Yeah!
Yeah, current events with just your boys.
MERO: (SINGING) Current events. Pow, pow, pow.
You know, Trump's getting impeached.
No one even cares. - Oh, yeah.
Nobody gives a fuck!
How did the presidency turn into "Game of Thrones"?
It was like, nah, I'm off that.
I'm not following that anymore.
I'm gonna follow with HBO.
Who cares?
You don't even know the updates.
Trump could have a new wife and a black baby.
And everybody be like, what?
I stopped watching two seasons ago.
I put the live shit on YouTube yesterday.
And I watched it for like 30 seconds.
I was like, yo, boring.
You know whose fault this is?
MSNBC.
Because I used to watch you, and they'd be like, breaking news!
Trumps being impeached!
That's not "breaking."
MERO: Nah.
Breaking news is like if someone down my block
just shot five people.
This MSNBC stuff feels like people will
deal with it in the morning.
Like, you never go to like the Fox 5 News
and like, yo, Trump's telephone records.
Like, no.
Like, it's just people at MSNBC.
We don't give a fucking shit, bro.
Yo, that's right.
Yeah, Hillary Clinton is beefing with Bernie
Sanders in the most, like, unbeef
I've ever seen in my life.
Like, she said wild shit about him in the interview.
She was like, nobody likes him and some other stuff.
Like, nobody wants to fuck with Bernie Sanders.
I'm like, yo.
I heard she did this in the barbershop, that LeBron show.
MERO: Yup. - She was sitting there.
MERO: She was like, yo.
It was her, Tory Lanez.
Travis Scott.
Travis was like, yo, it's lit!
She was like, yo, nobody fuck with that nigga Bernie, yo.
You know what I'm saying? - (MOCKINGLY) Fuck Bernie.
- Fuck Bernie. - Hey, Lebron.
Have you heard Roddy Ricch, "The Box"?
Ee, er. I love that.
- That shit slaps. - I love it.
That shit fucking slaps.
Bill was playing it the other day.
That shit goes hard.
But yeah, fuck Bernie as a record label, a brand,
and you know, as a person.
You know what the thing with Bernie is,
you know, at a certain point I realized that, you know,
there was no point to this beef.
You know, he had exposed something about me.
And you know, my emails and things like that
or whatever the fuck he was talking about.
And I was just, fuck that motherfucker.
You know what I'm saying?
You feel me, Travis?
You know what I'm saying?
Bernie respond.
He was like, niggas caught me slipping.
Took a loss.
So what?
Turn my beat on.
Flex.
I came here to clear the air.
It's just fame, a lot of clout.
Oh, yeah, that new virus.
Yeah.
You know about this?
Like a human virus?
Or like a--
A human virus.
But you know what?
Everyone's getting gassed on TV because you know viruses.
You start thinking, oh, shit.
It's about to be "Resident Evil" in this bitch,
or "The Division."
Let me start making guns, where they link up with this shit.
No.
Did you mention tuna cans?
This nigga's called coronavirus or something.
So it sounds like if you get infected,
you're going to drink mad Coronas and shit?
Oh, my god! I'm infected.
Let me get one down the hatch.
Ah!
I can't stop pushing the lime in!
Oh, my god!
Give me a lemon!
Ah!
I need more lime wedges!
Ah!
He's showing side effects!
Give him a hot wing!
Ah!
Listen, we survived SARS, what?
Bird flu.
Remember when we all were going to die from Ebola?
MERO: You remember that?
So now we got a new virus.
I'd just like to point out, weren't
we supposed to be starting World War III like two weeks ago?
Nothing matters anymore.
We're not dying from this virus.
Nothing's happening.
Donald Trump has proven that nothing ever happens.
DESUS: We didn't die from mad cow.
- Nope. - Nope.
And we still was eating burgers.
The trick is every day, like, yo,
let me get an Italian burger with extra Italian.
Also, mad cow is very confusing.
If you're from the Bronx, you be like,
yo, papi, let me get mad cow.
You know what I'm saying?
He's like, papi.
I've got you, papi.
I put that [NON-ENGLISH] on here.
Shout out to Tyler Perry.
That writing room going crazy.
Tyler's writing room is just like a Post-it Note.
Black one meets nigga.
Gospel shit.
Yo!
It's like the storyboard is like, bad nigga, good nigga.
Good nigga beats bad nigga.
Wait, so you're saying Tyler Perry's writing process
is basically the story of OJ in "4:44"?
(RAPPING) House nigga, good nigga, real nigga, good nigga,
still nigga.
Now we're never going to be in a Tyler Perry movie.
Are there Dominicans-- there are no Dominicans
in Tyler Perry movies.
He be like, oh, Mero's Mexican.
And then you know there's no Jamaicans.
Hell no.
If I was in a Tyler Perry movie,
I'd have the wild dreadlocks.
Oh, dreads and shit and like a marina in the winter.
And a coconut and beef patty.
We came to [MUTED] your woman.
Wow, you want to get your groove back?
Yeah, I want to [MUTED] your wife.
Like, what?
You get away from her!
She's protected by the blood of Christ.
Well, I'mma protect her with my--
- Back away! - Cucumber.
Back away!
Cucumber.
Throw it away.
Honey, let's pray.
Let's pray over these true believers.
"Somebody suck that baby's dick!"
[SHOUTING]
We're back!