Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Michael Kosta.
We have so much to talk about tonight.
Rudy Giuliani wants to be your barista.
Scarlett Johansson does not want to be your AI.
And we find out why Kamala Harris talks like that.
[LAUGHTER]
But first, some major developments
from the Donald Trump trial.
So let's get right into it in another edition of America's
Most Tremendously Wanted.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
The whole thing is a scam.
Big news today, the Trump trial is coming to an end.
And just like Stormy Daniels said,
it was over much more quickly than expected.
[LAUGHTER]
And we've heard from so many people during this trial--
this blonde blob, this other blob,
this one blob with the mustache.
It's just too bad no one's invented cameras yet.
But we haven't heard from the biggest blob of them
all, Donald Trump, who has been going around telling anybody
who will listen that he is just itching to testify under oath.
I would have no problem testifying.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I'm testifying.
I tell the truth.
I mean, all I can do is tell the truth.
Do you plan to testify in court?
Probably so.
I would like to.
I mean, I think so.
Will you testify in your own defense?
Oh yes, absolutely.
You'll take the stand?
That I would-- that, I look forward to.
REPORTER: Are you going to testify?
Yes.
Right at the buzzer--
yes.
[LAUGHTER]
But yes, Donald Trump has been saying for months
how much he wants to testify.
He's like, let's do it.
Swear me in on that shiny book that Mike Pence is always
blah, blah, blahing about.
And after four weeks of trial, today,
it was finally time for Trump to tell his side of the story.
So here we go, big guy.
It's the opportunity you've been waiting for.
The defense has rested.
Testimony has wrapped.
And Donald Trump, notably, did not take the stand.
What?
After talking such a big game, he's not testifying.
So he's doing the opposite of what he told us he was going
to do over and over again?
That's not the Donald Trump I know.
And I played--
I played full contact hockey without a helmet this morning.
But it's just so peculiar that outside the courtroom
with his legal pads of notes, he just talks and talks
and talks.
But then if you ask him to walk just a few feet
inside the courtroom and to swear
to tell the truth under penalty of law,
suddenly he's afraid to speak.
I mean, what's the difference?
Is it the fluorescent lighting?
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, I hate to even come to this conclusion,
but is it possible that Donald Trump is full of shit?
I mean--
[LAUGHTER]
--Mr. Trump--
[CHEERING]
Mr. Trump, are you just full of shit?
Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
Well, I really wanted that.
Yeah, well, we should believe him then.
We should believe him.
Let's move on from Donald Trump to his morally
and financially bankrupt former lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.
Last week he had an 80th birthday party, and he
got a little surprise present.
Rudy Giuliani was served with an indictment over the Arizona
2020 fake electors scheme during his 80th
birthday party late Friday.
Giuliani was served two hours after boasting on social media
that he would evade charges.
God damn, I mean, served at his own birthday party.
Can you imagine?
Hey, can someone take a picture of me
taunting the Arizona court?
Hey, how about you, man in a suit
and a badge at my birthday party
that I've never seen before?
And this indictment is on top of a $150 million
defamation judgment against him.
Rudy need cashy.
All right?
But luckily, he's got a side hustle.
Today, I'm thrilled to introduce you to something
I'm incredibly proud of, my own brand of organic specialty
coffee, Rudy Coffee.
Believe me when I say it's the best coffee you'll ever try.
It's smooth, rich, chocolatey and gentle on your stomach.
Wow, gentle on my stomach and "chocoly?"
I mean, I'll have mine with "malk" and "slugar."
Also, cool apartment, dude.
I mean, your kitchen says serial killer,
but the rest of your apartment says still serial killer.
And look, I'm glad there's finally a coffee commercial
that's somehow creepier than the Folgers one
where the brother and sister clearly
want to bone each other.
I just can't believe he's calling it Rudy's
Coffee and not Ground Zero.
[GROANING]
Let me keep going.
And in case you're wondering where
this delicious-looking coffee is sourced from,
I can assure you it comes directly from Rudy himself.
[LAUGHTER]
I thought it was--
well, you never heard of drip coffee?
[LAUGHTER]
By the way, why is it that you only see right-wing grifters
hawking these cheap products--
Rudy's coffee, Alex Jones's supplements,
Donald Trump's everything?
I mean, how come we don't see liberals getting grifted?
And I'll tell you why.
Because liberals are too smart to fall for this patronizing
scams that are like this.
And as I explained in my new book,
Liberals Are Too Smart to be Scammed, available
on my website for just $79.99.
[LAUGHTER]
Order now and shipping is doubled.
But look, it's important to remember that Rudy wouldn't be
doing any of this if he wasn't so deep in debt
from all his legal bills.
It's actually kind of heartbreaking.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
But you can help.
For the price of just one bag of coffee,
you can get this poor, broke, election
denier back on his feet.
Will you please help him smile again?
Oh, gross. No, not like that.
Forget it. Take that away.
Take that away. Take that away.
Never mind, never mind, never mind.
All right, let's--
[LAUGHTER]
Let's move on to a story out of Australia.
Australia, the country named after the 2008
Hugh Jackman film Australia.
[LAUGHTER]
It's where one billionaire is learning that money
can't buy you respect.
An Australian billionaire is apparently not
too happy with the portrait of herself
that's on public display.
That is Australia's richest woman, Gina Rinehart.
She is one of 21 people featured in the Australia
in Color exhibit that's been on display since March
at the National Gallery of Australia.
It's reported Rinehart is demanding that the gallery
remove the portrait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, remove the portrait?
What's the matter?
You don't want people to know you testified
at Donald Trump's trial?
[LAUGHTER]
But anyway, what's the big deal with having an
unflattering painting of you?
You don't see any of Picasso's models
complaining that their eye is on their forehead.
Suck it up, lady.
And even if you don't like it, don't whine about it.
Whining is what the rest of us do.
Whining is free.
You have money.
Just pay another artist to paint
a flattering portrait of you.
Then buy the museum and hang your portrait
over the other portrait.
Then burn the whole museum down for the insurance money,
and you end up making a profit.
Billionaire shit, let's go.
[APPLAUSE]
But this-- yeah, I mean, use your head.
But this story is really the proof
that maybe billionaires aren't as smart
as we all think they are.
If this woman hadn't complained about this painting,
practically nobody would have ever seen it.
Hell, I never would have heard of Gina Rinehart or Australia,
for that matter.
[LAUGHTER]
Animals with pockets?
Who thinks of this stuff?
And finally, let's turn to a story
about artificial intelligence.
Last week, OpenAI released a new version of ChatGPT that
could talk, and a lot of people heard it and thought,
this AI voice sounds a lot like Scarlett Johansson.
And one of those people was Scarlett Johansson.
REPORTER: This morning, an AI Warning from Hollywood--
actress Scarlett Johansson saying
this voice used by OpenAI's virtual assistant, Sky--
Hello, I'm really excited about teaming up with you.
REPORTER: --sounds quote, eerily similar to her own.
AI SYSTEM: Hi, how are you doing?
REPORTER: The actress famously played
an artificial intelligence system in the movie Her
in 2013.
Johansson says OpenAI CEO Sam Altman wanted
to hire her to voice Sky, but that she declined the offer
due to personal reasons.
The actress telling NBC News when she later
heard the AI voice, she was shocked, angered,
and in disbelief.
This is not acceptable.
OpenAI should be punished for attempting to steal
Scarlett Johansson's voice.
In fact, from now on they should
have to use an off-putting voice like my uncle
Dan, who's been smoking his whole life.
(GRATINGLY) You don't want to go to that restaurant.
That neighborhood's gotten real diverse,
if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHTER]
I miss Vietnam.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, for more on the Scarlett Johansson controversy,
we go live to San Francisco, home of OpenAI headquarters,
with Ronny Chieng.
[CHEERING]
Ronny?
Ronny, how-- how did Sam Altman think he'd get away with this?
Because he's a nerd.
And nerds have too much power now.
OK?
Look at Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk.
You can't trust these [BLEEP] nerds.
OK, I don't think that's an appropriate term.
What?
[BLEEP] all nerds.
Because what else do you call a bunch of weirdos who
spend all day on computers and don't
know how to act around women?
I mean, I call them socially awkward, shy, introverted.
You call them nerds.
They're nerds.
They're [BLEEP] nerds.
OK?
And nerds used to know their place.
They knew the rules.
Don't act weird.
Don't make eye contact.
Don't bring up Star Trek.
Keep your head down, and get a job at NASA
or hosting a show on MSNBC.
OK?
And it worked.
Nature was in balance, but at some point,
we decided that bullying was mean
because nerds had feelings.
And then we start treating them with respect.
And that was a mistake.
All right, Ronny, doesn't everyone deserve respect?
I swear to god, Michael, you sound
like a [BLEEP] nerd right now.
[LAUGHTER]
Don't you understand?
We gave them too much power, and look what happened.
They took over our financial system,
and now it's full of crypto.
We let them build a tech industry,
and now we're all mentally ill from social media.
We even shaped our pop culture to cater to them.
And we got 20 years of nothing but shitty superhero movies,
except for the Asian ones. Those are great.
OK OK.
All right.
Holy shit.
[CHEERING]
All right.
All right, so you're right.
So then what do we do?
The only solution is to make up for lost time.
We have to find Sam Altman and give him 20 years
worth of bullying all at once.
I'm talking two decades worth of wedgies in one wedgie.
I want that underwear to go around his head
and then again, over and over and over until his ass can
smell his face.
OK.
All right, but what type of fabric
would have the tensile strength to support the recursive force
required to-- - I don't know.
What do I look like, a [BLEEP] nerd?
OK, get that-- get that science shit out of here.
So let me be clear.
So you're advocating bullying?
No, I'm advocating balance.
OK?
Our ecosystem requires a proper mix of nerds and bullying,
and it's out of whack right now.
OK?
And I'm willing to be the hero that
will get things back on track.
I don't--
I don't know, Ronny.
[CHEERING]
I mean, I don't know, Ronny.
Is bullying ever really the answer?
Just shut the [BLEEP] up, OK?
Don't look me in the eye, and give me your lunch money.
OK. I'm right.
You're right. You're right.
Ronny Ching, everybody.
Sorry.
[CHEERING]