My opinion of myself was and continues to be something I really struggle with in terms of
it being absolutely, like, rock bottom. You know, like, I just have...
I have a prick living in my head that talks to me all the time.
And that is something that to this day, as I'm sitting with you now, I have to contend with. I've
got this inner voice that is horrific. It's like a horrible, horrible person that I've got like,
you know, this horrible voice in my head that just like, regardless of whatever external evidence
there is, or whatever, whatever else happens, I will always have this kind of this inner belief
that I'm sort of a bit shitty. I mean, like, I'm not I can't do this, or I'm not good at this,
or you're getting away with this, or whatever. Imposter syndrome, I guess, is an oversimplified
way of describing it. Yeah, it's something I've sort of had to, not had to deal with,
something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember really. I got really,
I got chills all over my body then. And I don't really know, do you know why it is? It's because
it really breaks my heart to hear that. And it genuinely does like, cause, and it also, I think
people don't understand the privilege that they have if they don't have that in their head. Yeah,
I totally agree. I mean, it's, it's such a difficult thing because
Because if you don't have that, you don't understand why somebody would have that. You go,
what are you talking about? Snap out of it. Do you know what I mean? You look at your life and
go, oh, successful comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hundred percent. You sort of go.
And it's not that I'm unhappy with my lot. It's not that I want anything. It's nothing external.
I don't need anything external to change. I just have that. You just have that. You know, I've just
always mentally had that. And yeah, like what you just said, I totally relate to because sometimes
I've not, you don't tell people because you just sort of go, they're going to go, what, what you
want about? Like what, what are you talking about? But people that get it, get it. Do you know what I
mean? And it's like, I do think, you know, it's something that I've kind of got involved with.
as much as I possibly can, is to sort of encourage those, you know, those kind of mental health
conversations and stuff. I think we've become much more open about it than we were in the past. But
when I was at uni, I went to see a therapist that like, they had like these free therapy
sessions for students and I went along to one. and I did like a whole course or whatever. I remember
telling my mum about it and she like freaked out because she said, what do you mean you're going to
a therapist? Like, is there something wrong with your head? You know, like she like really like,
cause to her mind, does that mean you're mad? Like, do you know what I mean? Like she didn't
have that same, it's like her understanding of it. Now it's completely, you know, she's completely,
you know, her attitude towards it is very different. But yeah,
it's just something you have to contend with. And like at the moment, as I'm talking to you now,
I've got coping mechanisms and I'm sort of on top of it, but I'm always sort of this, you know,
if I get, if I, it can be something really little, like I don't exercise for a bit or I don't hydrate
properly for a few days or I don't, I don't get enough sleep, I'm back. Do you know what I mean?
Like I go dark, I just go dark in my head, you know, like you kind of, the voice comes,
you know, the voice comes back, but you know what I mean? You sort of, you start getting
down on yourself and you have to be on top of all of those things, like. What does the voice say?
It will say, you're not a very good dad, you're not a very good husband. If I come to do this
podcast, it will go, why are you bothering to do this? You've got nothing interesting to say. Do
you know what I mean? Like, you're going to try and get away with this. At some point, somebody's
going to tap you on the shoulder and go, we all know. If you leave quietly, we won't say anything,
you know, that kind of thing. You know, I remember like doing a run of like, I was particularly
busy. I had a run of about six panel shows, like different studio things over two weeks,
and I was in a really bad place. And I turned up to each one of them with the steadfast belief that
I was shit at this. And I've got to try and get away with it as much as I possibly, you know,
like I was just in a bad place. I turned up and I'll be sitting there and like, you know, to be
a comedian, you got to be loose and like chilled out and relaxed. And it's almost like being a,
you know, I've read a lot about it, about being in a flow state, you know, being in the pocket,
whatever you want to call it. You can't be in the pocket if you've got a voice in your head going,
you're crap at this. So it's like, yeah, it just, you just go through periods of it, I suppose.