- What if you could see your blind spots?
Blind spots trip us up on our journey of love
because the blind spots, by definition we can't see
what they are.
We can't fix them if we're not aware
of what they're doing.
Let's talk about some
of the habits that we have that are actually blind spots
that could be sabotaging you trying
to attract the love that you want.
On a call, recently I had a client bring up, she was like
what are the blind spots that I have?
How do I know what I'm doing
that's working versus what's sabotaging me?
And the challenge is
so many women that I coach are probably just like you
in the sense that you're open-hearted,
you want to lead your life with generosity and kindness.
You're a giver.
And if that's naturally
how you are there might be some blind spots that you have
when you're dating that you think are leading
with generosity, kindness, love,
but are actually backfiring because they fall under this,
what we call this nice girl.
We're calling these the nice girl habits that really
at the end of the day aren't nice for you or him
or your love life.
And what they are
actually doing is steering your love life
into a ditch.
So today we're gonna look at five nice girl habits
and how to shift them
so that you can accelerate the rate
at which you attract love into your life.
So the first pattern or habit that you want
to take a look at is if you cancel plans
with your friends
to accommodate his last minute invitation.
Now, there might be part of you that's saying like what?
Like I'm just being easygoing, right?
I'm just being go with the flow, men love that.
I want someone who's easygoing and going with the flow.
Now be clear.
We're not talking about you not having plans
and just kind of hanging out and it totally fits
within your schedule.
This scenario is canceling plans
that you've made with friends to go out with him.
Three really important things are at work
with this dynamic.
Number one, you're impeding your relationship
with your friends because you're teaching your friends
that when something better comes along you're gonna cancel
on them for that better opportunity
and that does not foster deeper relationships.
The second thing that we want to pay attention to
is you're teaching this guy
that you're dating that his needs and wants trump your own.
His plans are more important than your plans.
And so you're reinforcing his behavior to,
"Hey I can send an invite out to this woman last minute
and she'll be available."
You're not teaching him to give you advance notice
and to send you plans where you know what to expect.
And you can actually schedule it in.
The second pattern that you want
to shift is allowing him to play insult you,
even though deep down it hurts your feelings.
Now, often this comes in the spirit of,
"Hey we want to be easygoing.
I don't want to be so sensitive.
I want to be able to be playful
and be fun and be flirty."
But if the way that he's playing,
if the way that he's bantering with you
or being flirty with you comes
with little insults that ultimately leave you feeling down
or leave you feeling hurt or sad or whatever it is
then you wanna speak up
and you wanna maintain your boundaries.
You see, contrary to popular belief
boundaries don't push people away.
Boundaries actually create closeness.
Think about that, why would that be?
Because when you're sharing
with somebody your boundaries you're sharing
with them vulnerably here's what feels good to me
and here's what doesn't.
Here's where my line is
as far as how to treat each other.
And when he knows that about you,
he knows you even deeper.
A time that I learned this in a very, very powerful way
with my girlfriend at the time, who is now my wife, is,
I grew up in a family where we teased
and we roughhoused.
There was a lot of physical wrestling and playing
and that was just part of what we thought was fun.
And so we go to Olive Garden for one of these dates
and on our way out of Olive Garden, we're kind of teasing
and bantering and having fun and you know,
using our words.
And then on the way, walking out of the doors I kind
of like jumped to the side and I kick
and I kick her in the butt.
And I think that's really fun.
Like that's the way we could play together.
Yeah, she was not having it.
And she stopped it right there.
She was like, "oh no, you didn't.
I do not play like that.
I don't want that.
I don't accept that.
Never kick me in the butt like that again."
And I was like, okay, "I get it.
I get the message."
Now, she could have maybe been a little bit softer
in her approach, but needless to say
it was highly effective.
I knew where the line was,
I knew where the boundary was and I respected her
for owning her boundary, setting her standard
for how we want to play together.
So if you notice that he's playing or flirting
or having fun in a way that doesn't feel good to you,
not saying anything actually creates distance
between the two of you.
Saying something, holding your boundary,
that's what creates closeness.
The third habit that you wanna really be careful of
is changing your personality to fit his mood.
And this comes from the kindhearted part
of ourselves where we want people
to feel comfortable we want them to feel good around us.
But the challenge is,
if you're shifting your personality
because they're unhappy
or it's gonna make them feel better
then you're actually compromising your way
of being in the world for them.
Great relationships where both people can coexist
and really be themselves.
You've gotta particular personality that's unique
to you and you wanna let it shine,
you want to express it.
You want to be the fullness of yourself.
And chances are there have been times
in your life, I know there's been times
in mine where we are around people,
whether it's teachers or whether it's parents,
or whether it's the people taking care of us
that are telling us not to express ourselves.
You're being too loud.
Sit down, be quiet, you're disturbing other people
so on and so forth.
And so we learn to mute ourselves
to dial ourselves down as children.
Maybe you've been in a relationship
where you're talking too loud
and the person you're with is like,
"you are really over the top right now.
Like you need to bring it down."
And so you mute yourself, you dial yourself down
or you have a particular laugh.
Or when you really love something, you laugh
and you're big and the person's like,
"yeah, never laugh like that again.
Like that's so unattractive."
You'd be amazed at what people do to try
to create control in relationships.
You really wanna watch for.
Is this person really just asking
for a need they have?
Or are they trying to control you and your personality
'cause what you want is someone who's willing
to unleash you to this world.
Let me give you an example of how
if you stay in an environment that doesn't support
who you really are how it can begin to eat away
at your happiness and your own self-esteem,
there was a phase where I had to shift my personality
to have the success that I wanted.
You see, I'm a naturally very big energy guy.
Like I love to have fun.
I love to laugh.
I'm really animated, I bring the energy.
It's probably why bringing this content
to you this has gone so big because of that kind of energy.
In my early twenties, I had a job
as a timeshare salesperson down in Mexico.
And in sales, my energy being real big
and enthusiastic like that was working against me.
Like I wasn't selling, wasn't selling, wasn't selling.
And my mentor at the time told me,
"Matt you really gotta tone it down.
Like dial your (indistinct) you're at a 10 right now.
You need to be at a two.
Be quiet, don't say much.
Really just sit back, kind
of let them do all the talking."
And like you just put on a, he's like,
"put on a personality where you're super shy."
And so I was like, well I'm not selling anything anyway,
so let me try that.
And so I did.
I put on this like really shy personality and I was
like acting like I was shy like I was really timid
and it was crazy, it worked.
And I started selling like gangbusters.
And so when I would get to work, I'd put
on this personality of shy and timid, shy and timid,
shy and timid.
And I was making all this money and selling.
But then something crazy started to happen
outside of work I noticed
that my personality was beginning to shift.
Outside of work, I found myself more shy,
more timid.
Outside of work, I found myself less happy, less myself
because I was betraying myself.
I started to fall into this depression.
Even though I was selling, I was feeling more
and more sad because ultimately
when you betray yourself your levels
of happiness plummet.
And so I realized I've got to shift careers.
I've gotta get out of this
and into something that I was born to do,
which is to teach and mentor and coach.
And so I launched my coaching business and left.
And lo and behold,
my natural personality is a perfect fit
for what I'm called to do.
Here's the point.
Your natural personality is a perfect fit
for your perfect partner.
If someone doesn't like the way you laugh
if someone doesn't love the way you are
when it's who you are your natural personality,
they are not the right fit for you.
Shine your authentic light and let those who are meant
to be with you come your way.
Now, the fourth habit that you want
to eliminate is allowing yourselves to get physical
or sexual before you're comfortable.
You see, there's this myth that says
if you don't have sex when he wants to have sex
then you're gonna possibly lose this great guy.
And it's actually the opposite that's true.
You see, sex doesn't create closeness for men.
Men don't equate sex with emotional connection.
Those two things don't go in hand in hand.
Now, I will say, and this is where the confusion comes in
that once the two of you are committed to each other,
in other words you're committed
to growing the relationship,
you're exclusive with one another,
you've decided you're gonna be partners
with one another.
It doesn't have to be married but it does need
to be this level of commitment.
When that's the case, then sex does create closeness
and more emotional connection in a man.
Now know this.
If there's at all the fear or the thought that,
well if I make him wait, he might not want to be with me.
He might get impatient.
He might go choose somebody else.
Know this.
That wasn't the right guy, that was the wrong guy.
You want to scare off the wrong guys faster
to attract the right guy faster.
The right guy is gonna understand,
the right guy is gonna be patient.
I was just coaching a woman
in our Manifest Your Man coaching program this last week
and she was like, "Matt, I've watched a ton of your videos.
I know how you always say be willing to scare
off the wrong guy to attract the right guy.
And I was nervous 'cause we've been dating
for a couple months and we want to have sex
but I'm making this guy wait because I'm just,
I'm just not comfortable yet.
And he said the most beautiful thing to me.
He said to me, I'm totally willing to go at your pace.
I want you to feel fully comfortable.
I want you to feel fully ready.
There's no rush."
She goes,
"I felt like this whole sense of peace wash over me.
And then I realized,
oh my gosh this is a hundred percent evidence
that I'm on track with the right guy.
This is the best relationship I've had
in my entire life.
And we're just two months into this."
It was perfect evidence
that saying the right guy is a hundred percent gonna be
on your timeline with you, and he will respect that.
Now, I want to speak to the part
of you that if you're the type
of person where you're thinking,
"Matt I just want to have fun.
I'm in this casual, I'm in this sexual adventurous stage
of my life and I'm not looking
for a committed relationship."
I'm wanting to just have fun.
The more power to you.
This habit is saying yes before you're comfortable.
Bending your standards to accommodate his needs.
That's what you don't want to do.
What you wanna do is speak your standards
and let the right guy raise his game to the level
of what you would love.
And number five is forgiving him
without making an agreement for better behavior.
Forgiveness is necessary in relationships.
We all make mistakes, we all screw up.
There's gonna be a lot of forgiving and healing
in any kind of relationship.
But what makes relationships work is trust.
And trust is formed through making
and keeping agreements.
If he screws up, he hurts your feelings
with something that he says, or he doesn't show up
when he says he's gonna show up or he kicks your butt
while walking out of the Olive Garden
and you state your boundaries with that.
If he just says he's sorry, that's not enough
for fostering a really healthy relationship
and creating a new outcome.
And where the nice girl habit comes in, it's like,
"oh thank you for saying you're sorry.
And that's okay."
People say they're sorry.
You're like, oh, that's okay.
That's the wrong response to an apology.
A way better response to an apology is
when someone says they're sorry you say thank you
and let's create a new agreement moving forward.
He says, he's sorry.
Thank you for saying sorry for being late,
and let's create a new agreement when we make a time
to be there.
We're both gonna be on time.
Are you in for that?
Hey, thank you for saying sorry for kicking my butt
on the way out of Olive Garden and let's create
a new agreement that we're not play fighting like that
because it doesn't feel good to me.
And I'm like, good, that sounds great.
So instead of saying it's okay and giving him a pass
on that behavior, instead say thank you
and create a new agreement.
So if you notice
all of these behaviors, all five have one common theme
through each one of 'em.
And that is that instead of just being easygoing
and go with the flow, when something's uncomfortable
for you or there's a rattle for you
that you speak up and you let him know.
And what's beautiful about this is this
actually creates closeness between the two of you.
So my question for you are,
what are your best practices
when you're maintaining your boundaries,
what really helps you?
I'd love to read those.
Go ahead and share those in the comment section below.
Here's to your amazing love life.
Thank you so much for watching, and I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)