Transcriber: Minh Khuê Trần Reviewer: David DeRuwe
Do you know what’s a hot commodity these days?
Confidence.
Where to get it, how to find it,
why you’re even lacking it in the first place?
And who better to buy it than women? I mean, everyone knows.
We lack confidence in the workplace.
We’re paid less,
we’re not promoted at the same rate,
and we hold fewer C-suite and executive-level roles.
Women, we have a problem,
and it’s a problem that seems to be unique to us.
So therefore, we need to fix it.
Who am I? Why am I even qualified to speak to this in the first place?
As a human resources professional, I have seen thousands of résumés,
I have conducted countless interviews,
and here is what consistently stands out to me:
Women are more likely to write a résumé that reads like a job description.
Not men.
Men tell me about their wins and their accomplishments.
And when I interview a woman and I say, “Hey, tell me about yourself,”
she very often walks me through her entire career history
from the day she graduated all the way to current day.
Not men. Men just tell me why they are the right fit for the job.
What does this mean for us? For women? Are we broken? Are we deficient?
Are we in need of repair?
I mean, personally I think it’s obvious:
We need to step forward,
lean in,
be more assertive,
demonstrate confidence.
And who better to solve this obvious woman problem
than a seasoned
and savvy executive recruiter with a passion for helping people?
I was on a mission.
I walked away from a successful human resources and head-hunting career
to empower women to finally get the career they want
and the money they deserve.
Here we are:
Two years later,
I’ve built a successful coaching business on this widely held belief
that women lack confidence in the workplace,
and that is why we are second to men in corporate America.
I specialize in slaying imposter syndrome, diffusing limiting beliefs,
often by highlighting what could very well be perceived
as typical female shortcomings.
You know the ones:
too humble,
too nice,
unassuming.
I teach women to tell their professional story with impact,
often chalking up their challenges
to social programming and a lack of confidence.
You could call this
“rewiring,”
“relearning,”
“fixing”.
I had become a fixer.
The women I work with are smart and inspiring and successful.
And when I think about it,
they don’t actually tell me they lack confidence.
I made that assumption.
That was all me.
So if confidence isn't the issue, what the heck is going on?
I started thinking about the way I work with my clients -
situations, conversations, roadblocks.
I have to be honest.
It wasn’t super comfortable.
Yes, I champion women,
but by falling into the “confidence trap,” was I actually exacerbating the issue
instead of working to understand the root cause?
Yes, clearly, there was a disconnect,
but was I misdiagnosing based on my societal beliefs and gender norms?
What if the confidence crisis isn’t even really a thing?
And those articles that we see plastered all over the Internet
with titles like “Nine Ways Women Are Losing Confidence in the Workplace”
and “Here’s How to Help Women Be More Confident” -
just perpetuating these unnecessary and often invalid labels.
So, I dug deep.
I went back and spoke to 40 of my past and current clients.
And here’s what I found:
Of those 40 women, one told me her confidence was an issue.
One.
The other 39 told me that they worried about the way
their confidence would be received.
They used words like “bossy,” “arrogant,” “abrasive.”
They were afraid of this backlash.
Have you ever been told that the key to your success is confidence?
You know what I’m talking about, right?
The ability to toot your own horn or sing your own praises from time to time -
seems very straightforward.
Factually not, but it is easier for men.
Here’s what I uncovered in my research:
Confidence will do very little to enhance a woman’s career
unless she can temper that confidence -
more feminine attributes like empathy, modesty.
So whereas men seem to need only a dash of grit to get ahead,
women are expected to walk this fine line between appearing confident
but remaining humble.
I have absolutely been guilty
in my own business
of emphasizing these gender differences,
speaking about them as if they’re inevitable.
A man would never put that on his résumé.
Men do not have a problem asking for a raise.
But I was wrong.
Seems to me neither men nor women
truly understand the way women self-promote.
Let's take performance reviews for an example.
You’ve got these little, tiny, subtle gender biases
that creep into these evaluations
which means women
are more likely to receive a very specific type of feedback -
around personality.
So while men are critiqued on
room to grow, areas of improvement, new skills to acquire,
women are critiqued on their temperament and their disposition.
“Sorry, Kelly, your tone is a little abrasive.”
“Carol, shrill, just bring it. Thank you. We talked about this.”
Women who lead are described as bossy,
bitchy, and shrill,
and when they disagree with others -
emotional and irrational.
So what does this mean for us, for women?
Because looking back at those performance evaluations,
the topic of personality was nominal for men,
but it was overwhelming for women.
Do we accept that this is how it is? We just abide by these gendered rules?
We accept that yes, we women, we can be seen; we should not be heard.
It seems to me the issue is not that women lack confidence,
but that confidence in women is rewarded differently,
and the onus to change is on the workplace.
Because if we keep having these fear-mongering conversations
but the alleged confidence gap,
we cause otherwise normally self-assured women to at least question
if they’re good enough.
And by even suggesting
that women can close this gender gap on their own
completely overshadows the fact that what if,
what if it’s beyond our control?
What do we do?
Conduct trainings,
educate leaders to ensure that all employees understand
that yes, men and women self-promote differently.
And it is this differential treatment that leads to women getting less money
and fewer promotions.
Because the way things stand now,
companies are missing out on this vast pool of potential leaders.
These women are not evaluated by the same criteria as men.
At the same time, you have these smart,
purpose-driven women who are not putting themselves forward
for growth opportunities because they are afraid
of the way their confidence will be received.
Launching education and awareness is a win-win for everybody
because it not only brings us one step closer to closing the gender gap,
it brings us one step closer to curing the confidence crisis.
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheers)