-I've been reading a lot of stuff online
about how Elon Musk's tweets have been influencing
the price of crypto currencies like Bitcoin, Dogecoin.
And frankly, it's pretty confusion
and, well, it got me to thinking, you know,
I'm getting older.
Well, sometimes I look around and I don't even recognize
the world I'm living in anymore.
Things are changing every day.
And, well, not always for the better.
And sometimes I think we need to take a moment to slow down
and talk about how things were just a bit more simple
back in my day.
♪♪
Back in my day, people were sinking their hard-earned money
into things like Dogecoin, NFTs, crypto goggles.
Back in my day, people knew the value of money,
which is why we put all our savings in smart investments
like Beanie Babies and subprime mortgages.
Back in my day, people weren't giving out cash and incentives
to get people to get the COVID vaccine.
Back then the only incentive people needed
to get the COVID vaccine was, you know,
not wanting to get COVID.
So, we took the vaccine for nothing like a bunch of suckers.
No free vaccine tacos for us.
And back then we weren't choosey either.
You would take whatever vaccine you could get your hands on --
Pfizer, Moderna, heck, you would even drink some bleach
if you could find some.
Back in my day,
Netflix wasn't developing video games, stream beagles.
Back in my day you could only play one game on Netflix.
It was called "Is There Anything Good on Here?"
And after 30 minutes of scrolling, you lost.
Back in my day, Kentucky Derby winners
weren't getting caught juicing.
Horse feathers!
If you were an athlete and you got caught juicing,
that meant you played baseball or you were a cyclist.
And now our ponies do drugs, too?
[ Dog barks ] Oh, that's right, Rusty.
I forgot about Mr. Ed.
That fine gentleman loved cocaine.
That's how they got him to talk.
Do you know how they got him to shut up?
[ Dog barks ]
That's right -- horse tranquilizers.
Back in my day, no one thought COVID-19 was leaked from a lab.
No, sir, back in my day we thought COVID-19
came into our lives the old-fashioned way --
a human locked eyes with a handsome,
mysterious pangolin at a wet market
and immediately they knew they were destined to be together.
Was it love? Maybe. Hunger? Sure.
Listen, we don't know if they ate the thing or married it,
but the rest is history.
Back in my day we didn't have TikTok dance challenges.
Back this my day, we had real dance challenges.
Someone at the prom would clear a space
in the center of the floor and point to you.
You would step into the center and do the Charleston dance
that your grandma taught you.
Then some gymnastics kid would come out and do a backflip
and you would scream, "Backflips are not a dance!"
No one could hear you
over the sound of all the cheering and clapping.
You would go home and grandma would say,
"Did everybody like it when you did the Charleston?"
And you lie to her and say, "Yeah, Grandma,
I was everybody's favorite."
But she would know you were lying...
'cause you were crying. [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Jeff Bezos wasn't going to space
with his brother.
Prime swaggles.
Back in my day, I was going to space with my brother,
out back behind the garage when he came home from college
and was like, "Bro, did you ever try salvia?"
And I was like, "No, what's that?"
And he was like, "It's like weed, but it only lasts
for five minutes. Also, it makes you go insane."
And I was like, "Is it fun?" And he was like, "Not at all."
And I was like, "What are we waiting for?"
And then we spent five minutes in a chaotic spiral
of terrifying ego death,
the likes of which no man should ever have to endure.
Simpler times, I guess.
♪♪
[ Dog growls ]
♪♪
[ Dog growls ]
[ Laughter ]
We don't skimp on special effects here.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Bill and Melinda Gates weren't
airing their dirty laundry out in public.
Micro stop it.
Back then, if you wanted to look at a billionaire's private life,
you had to fly on down to Omaha, Nebraska,
go to Warren Buffett's house
and offer him $50 to whip out his Johnson.
Oh, he'll take the money every time.
Trust me, he may be rich, but it's never enough.
It's never enough.
Back in my day, Andrew Yang wasn't running
an outsider campaign for mayor of New York City.
He was running an outsider campaign for president.
And we didn't criticize his every move or statement.
Because deep in our hearts, we knew that goofy,
fun-loving bastard had no shot.
Hey, Rusty, who are you going to
vote for in the mayoral election?
[ Dog barks ] Giuliani?!
[ Dog barks ]
Back in my day, Chinese rockets
weren't plummeting back to Earth.
No, the only Chinese rocket we had to worry about was Yao Ming.
He was unstoppable in the paint
and pretty funny in commercials too.
Back am my day, Liz Cheney wasn't being called a rhino.
No, back then they were calling Matt Gaetz a rhino,
because he's endangered... and horny.
Back in my day, I wasn't doing a show for no audience.
No, sir, back in my day,
if I were doing a show for no audience
it meant I was doing improv
right outside of college in the back of a wine bar at 10:00 P.M.
on a Tuesday, and would yell out for a suggestion
and then after an excruciating long pause,
the waitress, who was the only person in the room,
would say pineapple
so that we could get started. [ Dog barks ]
Because you never showed up to practice.
That's why we cut you, Rusty.
Back in my day, Caitlyn Jenner
wasn't running for governor of California, no, sir.
She was running in the Olympics.
And that's, I think,
all I'm going to say
about that.
Well, I am sorry I had to do that,
but sometimes [indistinct, muffled]
This has been...
"Back in My Day."