I was watching Fox News last night because--
[laughter]
Because, apparently, I hate my life.
But I learned something.
You know how the whole world remembers January 6 as the day
a bunch of violent Trump fans stormed into the Capitol?
Well, according to Fox News, we just got the footage wrong.
REPORTER: Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired the first clips
of the unseen January 6 surveillance footage
given to him by Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
On his show last night, he said the insurrection was mostly
peaceful chaos, adding that the people who forced
themselves into the Capitol weren't
quote, "insurrectionists."
They were sightseers.
We're going to begin tonight with footage
that shows you what was actually
happening inside the Capitol.
And that video tells a very different story about what
happened on January 6.
Protesters queue up in neat little lines.
They give each other tours outside the Speaker's office.
They take cheerful selfies, and they smile.
They're not destroying the Capitol.
They obviously revere the Capitol.
Sightseeing, my Black ass.
If you have to punch a cop on your way in,
you're not sightseeing.
You fight seeing.
[laughter]
[applause]
All Tucker Carlson proved is that you
can make anything look better by not showing the bad part.
How come they never show 9/11 planes taking off?
[laughter]
In a way, some of this footage is even more disturbing.
Like, there was this guy at the ride
who was just cleaning shit up.
[laughter]
That's a straight up psychopath.
I bet this guy goes to the orgies and does Wordle.
Guys, I got it.
I got it in four guesses.
Come on, guys.
Stop [bleep] each other.
Put your dick away.
It's grape!
But enough about January 6.
Let's talk about an even worse crime.
Some wax museum in Poland decided to make statues
of the British royal family.
And, boy, look how [bleep] up they are.
REPORTER: William and Kate like we've never seen them before.
REPORTER: Wax figures are on display at a museum in Poland,
supposedly in the likeness of Prince
William and Kate Middleton.
REPORTER: Footage of the figures
went viral this week after New Zealand visitors began sharing
them, saying the figures don't look
much like the royal couple.
I don't know, people.
They're pretty good statues.
I mean, pale skin, scary teeth, the dead eyes
look just like British people.
[laughter]
No, seriously, these statues--
look at their smiles.
They look like they just called Meghan
Markle nigga under her breath.
[laughter]
(STRAINED) Nigga.
[laughs] Nigga.
They look like they're auditioning for the sequel
to Smile.
And the Kate one, she's especially [bleep] up.
She looked like me in White Chicks.
[laughter]
[applause]
Now, finally, let's talk about the greatest
threat facing America today--
our kids are eating too much candy,
with weed in it.
REPORTER: The FDA has issued a warning about children
accidentally ingesting products with THC,
with many made in packaging that
looks like brand-name candies and cereals,
something kids could easily confuse.
The FDA warning--
"Accidental ingestion of these products
can lead to serious adverse events,
especially in children."
A recent study links the dramatic increase
in cases of kids accidentally ingesting cannabis to
the legalization of marijuana.
Researchers have seen a nearly 1,400%
increase, with about 200 cases reported
in 2017 compared to more than 3,000 cases in 2021.
Wait.
How can you even tell if a little kid is high?
[laughter]
No, because them little [bleep] always sound high.
Daddy, if a cloud had legs, would it be a snowman?
Nigga, you in my stash again?
And weed isn't just dangerous for little children.
It's also dangerous for adult children like Chet Hanks.
Go suck on your mama dot, you stinking crotches!
[spits] Spit on your griney grave.
I'm sorry, Tom.
I'm just saying the shit you'd want to say.
So, parents, please, be responsible.
For the health and the well-being of your family,
send me your drugs for safekeeping.
[laughter]
[applause]
I might get some back to you.
For real, though, here's what I want to know.
Why is weed the only drug put in food?
How come there's no crack in edibles?
Think about it.
They already got Hershey Krackel.
You're halfway there.
Just put the crack in it.
And for more on this story, let's go to Dulcé Sloan.
Dulcé.
Hello, friends.
[cheering]
How can parents stop kids from getting
into their edibles?
I'll tell you how.
How about these grown-ass adults stop taking
edibles in the first place?
You shouldn't be like a little kid
who needs an imaginary plane to eat his vegetables.
You're 35 years old.
Smoke a [bleep] blunt like you pay taxes.
Grow up.
That-- that's a little harsh.
Smoke the drugs. Stop playing with people.
I know, but that's a little harsh.
Some people, you know, have-- they like a little flavor
in their high.
Weed has flavor.
The flavor is weed.
[laughter]
If you can't handle it, you can't have it.
All these people are trying to eat instead of smoke.
Mm-mm.
You smoke to earn your way to the munchies, all right?
[laughter]
Listen.
MARLON WAYANS: OK--
Listen, you can't combine the two.
That's just lazy.
Come on.
OK, but if people are going to take edibles,
how can they stop their kids from getting into them?
Well, look, I want to help because I'm
a good Christian woman.
Hallelujah.
The problem is right now the packaging
is too attractive to kids.
So how about this packaging, OK?
See? Oh, so heavy.
Oh, my god.
Why me?
Listen-- ooh.
Oh.
[laughter]
I mean, this is the hardest part about being single,
picking up heavy things.
You know what I mean?
See, now, if you put the edibles in the math book--
[cheering]
Who the hell can do advanced algebra?
Come on.
And we all know that math is a lie, right?
So-- because, like, the only thing you really need
is geometry.
Measure wall, change your life.
So, listen, if you put the drugs in the math book,
the only kids finding them are nerds.
And, frankly, them nerds need to loosen up anyway.
Or-- or, you know, just to help--
[laughter]
Instead-- listen, look, look, look, look, look, look.
Look.
Instead of changing the packaging, change the edible.
See?
Green bean edibles with vitamin T, H, and
C. [laughter]
[applause]
Dulcé, there's not going to be
no adult or kid that's going to be down with that product.
But it's good, and it's good for you.
Listen, I hear what you're saying, Mr. Marlon.
And I'mma just tell you, you sound a little stressed,
you know?
So maybe-- just maybe you need a little visit
from the airplane.
Come on.
Here comes the plane.
Choo! - Come on.
No, no. I'll--
B-- b-- b-- b-- b--
Stop.
I'm a grown-ass man.
I'm not about to do that.
Nigga, eat the weed.
[cheering]
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.